


The Disadvantage 2.0

by Bonniebird17



Category: Outlander, Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Love, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-05-14 04:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 66,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14762318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonniebird17/pseuds/Bonniebird17
Summary: The disadvantage of living in a small town where everyone knows each other is that as soon as something new happens, everyone already knows about it within hours. The rumors about Claire Beauchamp started spreading faster than she thought, and she knew it was just a matter of time until Jamie Fraser had heard them too.“Claire Beauchamp got engaged to John Grey,"Co-writer ; @BetweenScenes





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have lost my inspiration, this story needs to end so I’m going to post all they chapters I have . It’s still not as good as I had wanted it too. But I don’t have the time or energy to keep this story alive. The grammatical errors are still there, I haven’t rewritten it. So here is the rest!

**Present.**

 

The disadvantage of living in a small town where everyone knows each other is that as soon as something new happens, everyone already knows about it within hours. The rumors about Claire Beauchamp started spreading faster than she thought, and she knew it was just a matter of time until Jamie Fraser had heard them too.

“Claire Beauchamp got engaged to John Grey,"

Claire had been surprised herself when her mouth opened and she said yes. She didn’t even know if she wanted to marry John.

Dinner at their favorite restaurant Calimari had gone on as usual though she did notice that John seemed to get nervous when the dessert came in and the waitress gave them a bottle of champagne. Suddenly John got up from his chair and walked over to her side of the table and she didn’t understand what was happening until he was down on one knee.

But here she was in their shared apartment staring down at the huge diamond ring on her finger. She had been sitting at their dining table staring at it for what felt like several hours. She wondered what she would say to Jamie. He would certainly congratulate them and say that he was happy for her sake, but she knew that he would be lying and screaming on the inside.

The thought of calling Jamie made her head hurt even more. It felt like her head would explode at any time. She started to consider if she should wait until the weekend was over and talk to him on Monday instead. She could spend the few days until then to build up the courage during the weekend and talk to him right before the 8 o’clock meeting she knew he had with a new client. There was some benefit to being his secretary--she knew everything about him.

 

**2011**

Claire, James and John had come to know each other during their first year at the university in Scotland. Claire had been out with some new classmates she met her first day at a little pub a bit outside the area called The Ridge. Jamie had been super wasted. The six-foot four-inch tall Scot had tried to flirt with her or maybe her classmate.  Neither of them were interested, and Jamie was far too drunk to even put together a simple sentence that someone could understand.

Claire recognized Jamie from one of her classes and saw that his friend John was standing at the bar looking at them and laughing. Claire had grabbed Jamie and dragged him back to the bar to John and gave them both a piece of her mind, cursing like a sailor at them.

  
She ran into both of them the next day, Jamie extremely hungover had apologized for his behavior and John couldn’t stop laughing at his friend ,who looked completely embarrassed when Claire said some more inappropriate words. But she felt sorry for the red-headed man who matched his hair with his face of embarrassment and she had smiled at him.

  
After that day they all became friends.

 

**2013.**

"Come on Claire, you need a job and I need a secretary! That's perfect. "

"But you would be my boss, Jamie .."

"Yes, but there are advantages to being friends with the boss." Jamie said, giving her a lopsided smile.

 

**Present.**

Claire woke up on Monday morning to the high buzzing sound from her alarm and glanced at her phone. Claire had received calls and messages all weekend from both relatives and friends who congratulated her on the engagement. It felt like everyone she knew had called... except Jamie.

John, who worked as a firefighter, usually had really early mornings and was always gone when she woke up in the mornings. The advantage was that there was always coffee ready when she got up and an empty bathroom so she could get dressed and ready in her own time. But today was anything but relaxing. Just the thought of eating breakfast made her nauseous and she thought taking a shower would make her unwind. She knew she didn’t have the time for a long shower and she knew she soon needed to go, yet she shampooed her hair slowly and scrubbed her face at least four times. The hot shower had helped a little, but she knew there were  only a few minutes left before she needed to get in the car and drive to work.

She stood outside the tall building and couldn’t make her feet move; her entire body seemed to fight against the thought of entering the building. "Beauchamp... pull yourself together! Walk through the doors, take the elevator to the 13th floor and just go to work, for god’s sake!” she scolded herself.

The elevator doors opened and the big silvery sign with the name "Fraser" stared at her. When she came inside, the receptionist Laoghaire Mackenzie waved to her and mouthed congratulations while she kept on talking on the phone. Claire smiled back and went to her own station. She sat down in her chair and stared at the closed door next to her. Behind the large glass window she saw Jamie looking intensely at his computer.  He had probably gone through all the book manuscripts she knew he had not finished last week. He never looked up, but she was sure he was aware of her presence.

She took a deep breath, got up and walked toward his door, She grabbed the handle, but it was locked. She got irritated; Jamie never locked the door. She took an even deeper breath and knocked and waited until it was obvious that he was not going to open it.

"Fuck" she screamed in her head. But he can’t hide in there.  He must come out at some point, she thought.  She knew he had a meeting in about 20 minutes; then he would have to pass her to go to the conference room.

But when the clock struck 8 and he didn’t come out she got anxious. Fifty minutes later and he still did not leave his office. The phone started to ring and she sighed and responded with her best secretary voice as she always did, "James Fraser’s office, what can I help you with?"

Hours went by and Claire began to wonder if he would camp in his office forever. The more time passed, the bigger the pit in her stomach grew. When Claire finally felt defeated, she left her desk. She went to their break-room, refilled her mug with some more coffee and took out her salad from the fridge. When she returned to her desk she saw that Jamie’s door was wide open and the room was empty. The bastard had waited and left when she was getting her lunch. Claire went inside into his office and looked around.

She dragged her hand slowly over the big black desk and got a flashback memory. She saw herself scattered on the table, naked, sweaty, and she could almost hear herself when she shouted his name "Jamie."

She woke up from her thoughts when the door closed with a bang behind her. Jamie was standing next to the door but said nothing. He just stared at her, so intensely she almost thought he could see into her soul.

"Jamie..." She sounded more guilty than she should. "I guess you've heard the news?" she said carefully and looked at him.

"Aye, I heard. Congratulations. Was there anything else?” he said as he walked past her and sat down by the same desk she had just touched and reminisced about.

"Is that all you have to say?" she asked quietly.

“Aye, Claire can I continue with my job now? Or was there more? Maybe you want to ask me to be your bridesmaid?” He started laughing at his ridiculous comment but she heard no joy in his voice. Claire tried to say something else but the words got stuck in her mouth. "Close the door when you leave." Jamie ordered.  His comment felt like a slap in her face. She left his office and slammed his door so hard that his windows shook.

At 5 o'clock, people began to get ready to go home. Jamie had still not said a single word since she was in the office and Claire had not dared go back there.  She didn’t want to either. He is the most immature person I ever met, she thought to herself.  What does he expect? We are not together anymore or whatever we once were.” Annoyed, she trashed the last of her coffee and shut down her computer. She walked past James's office without even looking at him.

Claire was sitting in her car in the parking lot and had been there for almost an hour with the engine turned off. She should go home, she should call John. But she knew John worked late today so there was no stress to make sure that dinner was ready or any pressure on cooking at all. When Claire finally went home, she decided that the wine bottle hiding in the back of her cabinet would be her dinner today.

Sitting on their newly purchased grey futon couch, still in her work clothes, drinking her fourth glass of wine, she began to think of John. She loved John.  He was the stability she needed in life. He was kind and really attractive with his brown hair cut short for his work the way she liked it. He was very fit and had gained a lot of muscles after training like crazy to become a firefighter, unlike how he looked like when they first meet in uni.

He was caring and they always had fun when he was home. They went to Calimari as they always did on Fridays, the same restaurant where he proposed.  She always ordered her favorite meal. Afterwards they chose to walk the long way home and she knew that if John had slept all right the night before, he would always try to seduce her when they were back in the apartment. He usually had the same trick to sneak down under the blankets next to her on the couch and kiss her behind her ear and whisper how beautiful and amazing she was. Then afterwards they fell asleep in each other's arms.

But at night she often dreamed of colors in different shades of red.

 

**Past. 2011**

Claire, John and Jamie became a super trio, doing everything together. They studied together and even had some classes together. They often took time to cook dinner, though truth be told, the guys cooked the food while Claire watched. Nobody wanted her to even touch the stove without being afraid she would burn down the apartment. They often went out for beers at The Ridge when they didn’t have classes the following day.

Jamie and John had known each other for several years before that and were so close that they even called each other brothers. Claire who didn’t really get along with so many people felt grateful to her new found friends, and even the few female acquaintances she had were more than happy for her attractive new companions , when they realized they were pretty good guys after their first encounter. Her roommate Geillis Duncan was one of those who was interested. The apartment was actually Geillis’, but Claire rented a room from her so it felt like it was theirs.

“But if you don’t intend to do anything with them, maybe it's okay if I ask them out?" said Geillis when she was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, watching while Claire brushed her teeth.

"Haha.  Are you going to ask them both at the same time?" she replied, but Claire already knew neither of the guys was interested in Geillis. So Claire played along to let Geillis be Geillis and do her thing.

All three enjoyed hanging out with each other, but the pressure John had from his parents meant that he didn’t always have time and often had other important things to do. So it became more and more common for Claire and Jamie to hang out alone. She would be lying if she said she didn’t find both of the guys extremely attractive but after her most recent failed relationship, she wasn’t looking for a new love drama and she was firmly determined that even though she found them attractive she would never do anything so stupid as to risk destroying their friendship by sleeping with either of them.

But she was so wrong. Within a few weeks she would have sex with Jamie for the first time.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

**Present.**

Claire woke up before her alarm on Tuesday morning and gently slipped out of bed so as to not wake John. Her appetite seemed to be back and she even made breakfast, a slice of bread and a big cup of coffee. She hadn’t bothered to turn on the light in the kitchen and stood looking out through the window.  The sky and the clouds looked dark and she guessed it was just a matter of time before it started to rain. Used to the weather in Scotland she already knew it was a lost cause to even try and fix her hair that morning, so she just put it up in a simple knot on her head. Jamie would probably not talk to her today either, she thought irritated as she walked out of the elevator.

She arrived at the thirteenth floor and stared at the silver sign with his last name.  This was his company. She was his secretary. Everything was his. Even Claire had once been his.

Claire could hear Laoghaire’s laughter even before she got around the corner and she saw Jamie’s back.  He was leaning forward in front of the desk talking to the young secretary. "Good morning Claire," Laoghaire said. Jamie stopped talking and his entire body froze. He didn’t turn around to acknowledge her presence and just continued to tell his story to Laoghaire, who started to laugh again.

**Past. 2011**

"Claire, we should play a game," Jamie suggested as they sat in her flat. They had been there for several hours studying and this was the first time they had talked in at least an hour. 

"What game? " Claire asked curiously.

Jamie got up, went to her pantry, took out a old, half-empty bottle of tequila and waved it in front of her “Never have I ever,” he said.  He looked very happy with his choice of game. 

"Haha.  Shouldn’t there be more than two people playing?" Claire asked as she closed her laptop.

As they began playing, Claire asked tedious questions like "I have never stolen anything.” She really didn’t want to make the situation weird by asking inappropriate things, although she was kind of interested in knowing things about him. But she realized with every simple question she asked, it meant she needed to drink more and she was starting to feel a bit intoxicated by the fifth shot.

When Jamie raised the stakes, Claire didn’t really know how to react. "Never have I ever used a sex toy," he said. She started laughing a little nervously but she still drank. He looked at her and asked what kind of toy she used, casually like he had just asked what she wanted for dinner.  _ Maybe he is drunk too, _ she thought but answered,"No follow up question, Fraser, that’s the rules...”

She began to feel a bit uncomfortable about how hot she was getting. Trying to break eye contact, she looked out the window. But Jamie just continued the game although it was her turn to ask questions. "I've never used sex toys after being with my platonic friend James.” 

Claire hesitated at first but got her confidence back when she saw his smug facial expression. She took her glass, looked him straight into his ocean blue eyes and she drank.

The alcohol combined with the inappropriate situation did something to her. "I have never fucked on a kitchen table," she said and started to look to the right, at her own kitchen table and she drank although it wasn’t her turn to answer. Jamie raised his glass as a salute and emptied his glass.

Their questions became more and more daring. Each question made them move closer to each other, but they didn’t touch. For each challenging question she became more aware of his body; she even started to get worried what was going to happened next. But god, she wanted it. She wanted  _ him _ .

"I've never been more turned on than I am right now," Jamie said and she drank without even thinking twice about it. 

_ God this is really happening _ , she thought when Jamie emptied his glass as fast as she had. When Jamie licked his lips, she could feel her body was on fire. Jamie started to lean his head forward and she did the same. But they stopped mere inches apart when they heard a key going into the lock in the front door.

They flew apart when they heard Geillis voice coming from the hallway. "Claire, are you home?”

When Jamie left their apartment Claire told Geillis how close it was that something could have happened between them.  Geillis had interrupted them when she walked into the apartment. "Fuck!!! I should never have come home…” Geillis said.

After being interrogated by Geillis about their little moment, Claire finally admitted to Geillis that she maybe had a little crush on James Fraser.

So Geillis decided that she needed to throw a party. “I’m kind of jealous,” she said, “but you need to get laid more than I do and you could do far worse then Jamie Fraser.” Geillis smiled teasingly as she walked out of the apartment to buy more booze.

**Present.**

Claire was at her desk Tuesday morning when Jamie came out of his office. "Claire, please book that hotel I stayed in last summer, the one with the spa." She did not dare to look up at him, worried that the face would betray her and show the pain that started to ache inside of her. 

"Okay, single or double?" She held her breath.

"King size," he responded.  He walked away and closed the door behind him. She tried to hold back the tears that she felt were on their way, took a deep breath and she picked up the phone.

The rest of the day went quite uneventfully. Fewer calls than usual and she had written down the four meetings she had booked in during the day. At 4 o'clock she had just shut down her computer and got up from her chair to go home when Jamie put out his head at the door.

"I have some paperwork I need you to fix today," he said shortly.

Claire looked in through the glass window and saw a big pile of papers and sighed. She sat down on her chair again and texted John that she wouldn’t be home in time for dinner.

Four hours later and she was still not done. It was like he had been saving all these files since last week, since he was told about the engagement. This was his revenge. She swore and whispered all the nasty words she could when she watched his dark office.  Even though he made her stay, Jamie had gone home several hours before.

She began to think that he was probably safe at home in his stupid modern expensive bachelor apartment with Blondie number 27 or Brunette number 4 or whoever he was sleeping with. She became angry with herself for feeling jealous and tried to forget him by focusing on the papers in front of her.

When she finally came home, John was already sleeping. Claire walked into the bathroom and locked the door after her. She turned on the shower and let all of the emotions she had been struggling with during the day come out. Her tears blended with the water coming out of the shower head and she leaned her back against the cold tiles on the wall.

She took the shower head off its holding and let the hot water beam first to her neck, then down over her body. She knew she shouldn’t but she desperately needed to feel anything other than what she was feeling.  

When the the hard ray hit her center it almost made her legs collapse. Her breathing got heavier and she felt right away how the orgasm slowly began to build up.   When she came she cried out his name. "Jamie ..."

Afterwards she fell into more tears.  She struggled with the anger and guilt she felt about how she couldn’t seem to get Jamie out of her head. She was engaged to another man; she should not behave like this.

She left the bathroom and carefully slid into the bed next to John. When she fell asleep, she dreamed again of colors in different shades of red.

 

Claire woke up when John kissed her, but she pretended to be asleep until she heard the door close. She felt completely exhausted. All the paperwork and the roller coaster of emotions she felt yesterday had taken all of all her energy; the shame she still felt made her avoid John.

She got up and dressed. She looked in the mirror to inspect herself. She had on a black, high-waisted skirt that was a little too tight but it made her ass look amazing, and she wore a white top and her favorite pair of high heels.

When she remembered what day it was Claire felt a little more motivated to go to work. They had their staff meeting today, the meeting when everyone at the company got together and reviewed all the books that were going to be published. What made her really excited was that at today’s meeting they would finally talk about the annual book fair and choose which of their amazing writers would get the chance to attend this year.

Usually Claire and Jamie spent the night before talking about who their favorites were before the meeting. But with the fact that Mr. James Fraser was not talking to her at the moment, she had no idea who he was going to pick. Claire herself had a favorite author, Pauline Brasseur. Her French poems and novels had caught her interest straight away. They were so honest and loving that if you did not believe in love before, you did after reading her book.

After two cups of coffee, Claire was in her car.  Her energy slowly started to come back and even though the day before had been hard, she finally was in a pretty good mood. She sang along to the radio but when she turned into the parking lot, she saw Jamie getting out of his car.  _ Of course we had to run into each other, _ she thought. They had their parking spaces next to each other, she was the chief executive secretary. 

She even used to be his best friend.

 

Jamie was waiting for the elevator when she entered the building but he said nothing when she stood next to him. Claire broke the silence when they got in the elevator. "Jamie, we work together, we’re a team. You can’t ignore me forever, can you?" 

He didn’t look at her when he answered, irritated, "You and John are a team now." When the doors opened at the 13th floor, he walked out quickly, rounded the corner and walked straight into his office.

Claire stayed at the front desk and asked Laoghaire to make coffee and set up the conference room for the meeting. "I’m on it, Claire," replied Laoghaire, but stayed next to Claire. "I do not want to be to forward, but has something happened between you and Mr. Fraser?" 

Claire saw how nervous Laoghaire seemed be. "Why do you ask?" she answered, a bit irritated. 

"No..I don’t know, but you have been very quiet around each other. The atmosphere in the office has been very strange.” 

She really didn’t want to discuss her private life with the receptionist, of all people. "Don’t worry, it's nothing," she answered with a fake smile on her face.

Claire left the troubled receptionist and walked over to Jame’s office, knocking and waiting a while before she opened the door. “Jamie?”

“What is it, Claire?” he asked.

"The meeting is soon and I just wanted to talk about Pauline.” She sat down the chair opposite him. 

"She is still going to the book fair as I promised you,” Jamie assured her.  “This is my job, Claire. .. Do you think so little about me that you think I would let my private life get in the way of my job?" He would not look at her, and Claire felt a bit ashamed that she thought he wouldn’t choose Pauline just because of her engagement. 

But then she got upset again when she realized what he had said.   She couldn’t hold it back. “You  _ have  _ let your personal feelings come in between us when it comes to me…”

Everyone started gathering in the conference room, with Claire in her usual place to the right by Jamie’s chair. When Jamie came in, he said without looking at her. "Claire, you don’t have to join us today, you can go and help Laoghaire."

Her mouth was wide open and the shock in her face transformed into rage. She got up, left the room, walked to the elevators, and when she got outside and felt the rain against her face, she started to cry.

Her phone began to ring after a while and the screen lit up with Jamie’s name. She put her phone on silent and put it back in her pocket, then walked to a coffee shop she knew was nearby. Her phone continued to vibrate and when he seemed to realized that she wasn’t going to answer, the phone started vibrating with text messages instead.

**-Where are you? Answer now.”**

**-I am out. I was not needed.”**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment and tell me what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have read the first version please let me know if you think its better ;) and ofc you new guys to. #NSFW

**Past. 2011**

John were the first one to come to their party and he came with a whiskey bottle in each hand and he looked completely wrecked. _"After this hell of a week, I need all the alcohol I can get."_ He said and Claire took one of the bottles and they walked together into the apartment. He sat down in one of the chairs in the kitchen and sighed.

 _"That bad huh?"_ Claire said sympathetic and she put down two glasses on the table in front of him. John didn’t answer just nodded his head and drank the whiskey straight from the bottle in response.

John told Claire that he was failing one of his classes and his father wasn’t pleased at all. The Grey family was well-known in Scotland and she was relieved that her own life wasn’t as strict as John’s.

More and more people started to show up and Claire almost didn’t recognize anyone and she began to wonder if Geillis had invited strangers their home. She saw Geillis was flirting with one of the strangers and Claire knew it was just a matter of time until Geillis were dancing in her underwear on the table.

John and Claire were half in Johns whiskey bottle when Jamie finally arrived. _"Where have you been James?"_ slurred John and got up to hug his friend _“Nowhere, nothing important.. I'm here now, Give me a glass lass."_ Answered Jamie and sat down next to her and she gave him the bottle she was holding.

The little trio sat in corner of the apartment and was discussing what they were planing do next week, when they had a break for a few days. Claire had already planned to stay home and rest but the guys were going away together, to Johns parents cottage. John tried to convince her to join them and when Claire was about to say that they probably needed to get away from each other, she heard a familiar voice behind her. _"Hi Claire, you are missing your own party.”_ Geillis said and winked at her.

Her roommate Geillis was the direct opposite of her in every way, Geillis were very social and forward person while Claire preferred small crowds and had difficulty finding interest in superficial rich people, like the people that was currently at their party.

They were discussing about how boring Geillis though Claire was when she didn’t mingle when Jamie came over _“Come Claire, i need your help."_ He said and he began to pull her away from the party in the direction of her own room. _"Thought you could show me your wee little collection..”_ he whispered and placed his hand low at her back and she got nervous.

 _“Jamie this is not a good idea..”_ she said when they got inside. _“What is? I know you're hiding your good whiskey in here.”_ He answered and his big smile showed that he knew exactly what she thought he had meant.

A little embarrassed however, Claire walked over to her closet, to take out her finest bottle and when she turned around she saw that he had made himself comfortable on her bed. Claire sat down in her green, awful armchair opposit to him with the whiskey bottle in her hand, She screwed off the lid and took a big sip before handing it over to him. He took it and got up from her bed. Claire thought they were going to leave, so she started to get up but stopped surprised when he closed the door and locked it.

Jamie stared at her, placed the bottle on the floor and said _"Take off your clothes Claire"_ Speechless she did as he said. First she pulled off her shirt over her head and then she jumped clumsy out of her jeans.

Claire felt very pleased over the fact that she had skipped wearing a bra that night and she stood in front of him almost completely naked, only wearing her panties. He walked over to her and she became nervous and took a step back and she fell down on the armchair again. He stopped right in front of her and got down on his knees and then he slowly began to pull off her panties, she just watched him as he undressed her.

 _“Oh god..”_ she though when his index finger slowly began to follow the contour of her breasts and her nipples got hard when he circled around it. Claire felt mesmerized as she watched him and he started to kiss her inner tighs, kissing her further up and then he suddenly had his head completely between her legs.

His tongue found her sensitive spot and she could tell he were teasing her when he first slipped in one finger, then another one and she almost felt high and grabbed his hair to push him closer. He increased his speed and when Claire felt her orgasm started to build up, she started to moan even louder. But when she was on the edge, Jamie stopped. Confused she opened her eyes.

  
Present

After a couple of hours and several blueberry muffins later, Claire started to walk back to work. She wasn’t going to stay, She just needed her jacket and her car keys. When she came back to her desk she saw the looks her coworkers gave her and Jamie came out of his office, he looked as pissed of as she did, he grabbed her arm and started to drag her into his office. Claire tried to get out of his grip but her attempt just made his grip even harder on her arm.

Inside his office Jamie pulled down the blinds so it were impossible for anyone to see them. _"Let go of me"_ She screamed but he pressed her closer to him and then his lips were pushed hard against hers.

For two full minutes she lost all control and drowned in their kiss before she pushed him away. Her hand were against her swollen lips, her eyes wide open. Then she exploded with rage _"You ... you refuse to even acknowledge my existence, refuse to talk to me and then you think you have the rights to drag me into your office and kiss me??."_ Her hands began to shake with all the anger she felt and she took two small steps forward and then she hit him as hard as she could.

None of them said anything else after Claire slapped him, they just stared intensively at each other and the silent buzzing sound from the AC started to sound almost like a fire alarm.

When Claire’s phone started ring she started to move towards the door. _“I don’t think I can work here anymore.”_ She said and left Jamie who looked completely destroyed, alone in his office.

Claire was desperately trying to hold back her tears as she listened to John, he were in the store and asked what she wanted for dinner. He told her about the wedding planner his mother had recommended and he thought they could check out her website together.

Louise Rochambeau was the most expensive wedding planner in England and Claire was not surprised that John's mother had recommended just her. John had talked continuously about what his mother had said about Louise during their dinner and she was not wrong. Louise seemed to know her job but it wasn’t at all what Claire wanted.

Louise's website reminded her of big royal weddings and even the professionally taken image of Louise Rochambeau, showed a tall middle-aged woman, wearing expensive jewels she imagined royalty owned. "What do you think honey?" John said existed.

 _“I think I want a small wedding John.”_  
  
_“It's your special day, we’ll do exactly what you want Claire”_ he said and Claire kept scrolling down on the website.

 _“Maybe we can sit down together next week and choose a date?"_ John smiled and kissed her forehead and then he turned around to continue with the dishes.

She stared at her laptop and was still a bit overwhelmed by all the wedding talk and was trying to think of an date when her phone started vibrating and she saw a text coming from Jamie.

**\- Did you quit today? Need to know if I need to hire someone new.**

**\- Do you want me to quit?**

Claire answered and put her phone on the table with the screen down and she waited. After a while, it vibrated again.

**\- No**

 

 **Past. 2011**  


_"Why did you stop?_  " Claire’s voice was hoarse and shaky as she sat naked, confused and looked down at Jamie, still sitting between her legs. _"I dont want you to come yet, I want you to come when I have my cock inside of you, I want to feel you come. So not yet.."_ Maybe little to fast, Claire got up and she dragged him off the floor over to her bed. Jamie was still wearing all of his clothes and as it were a movie he took off his clothes almost in slow motion without breaking eye contact with her.

When they stood only inches apart, There was a fire burning inside of her and she could feel it all the way out to her fingertips. She desperately wanted him to touch her again.

They waited , breathed in each other’s air and Claire took the last step. At first, their kiss was slow, gentle and exploring until she pressed herself against him and he placed his hand at the back of her neck, kissed her harder and almost swallowed her.

It was surprisingly easy to drag him down over her, she thought and she placed her hands on his chest, then at the bottom of his stomach and she continued downwards. She looked him in the eye to see if he were going to stop her, but the look he gave her were all the answer she needed and she guided him inside and the burning sensation took over both of them.

Each time he pushed himself deeper and harder inside of her she screamed and forgot all about the people outside.

Afterward they stayed wrapped in each other's arms and when the silence surrounded them, they fell asleep.

Claire woke up by the sunlight radiating through the window and she felt her headache gradually increased per minute. She turned her head over and saw Jamie sleeping next to her,with his arm still tightly around her waist.

A few red strands hung over his eyes and carefully she turned around and stroked them away. She studied his face and remembered what they did last night. _"Stop watching me when I'm sleeping"_ he whispered and she started to laugh and she tried to get up.

But Jamie pulled her back into his arms again and held her closer against him. _"Not yet. The second we get up .. "_ he stopped talking and placed a light kiss on her forehead. _"The second we get up, what??"_ She said so low that she didn’t knew if he had heard her.

_"As soon as we get up, the spell is broken"_

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okey, if you are wondering how this chapter is 16226 better then the others it it’s becuse I had help , first by @bdell1 and then the magical @betweensceneswriter was my beta and helped me! So I’m super excited for you to read it.
> 
> #NSFW

Past. 2011

"Claire, are you sure you don’t want come with us? It’s far away from civilization, there’s no internet, a hot fire and of course, we’ll be there,” John said. He really tried to convince Claire to accompany him and Jamie to his parents’ cottage. The little cabin was several miles from town and the guys were going the following day.

"Okay you win... But I'm calling shotgun."

Claire stood in her room, packing her bag. When she was finished she sat down in her green armchair, suddenly realizing that she hadn’t sat there since their party.

Jamie and Claire had not talked about their little event after he left. He behaved like his usual self. Claire wasn’t stupid enough to think that it had been more than it was, a one night stand.

But still thinking about going to the cabin, Claire imagined herself and Jamie alone, naked in front of the fireplace. “John,” she thought, trying to erase the image she imagined and remembering that John were going with them. She felt stupid for even thinking of Jamie like that. It was a one night stand Claire… she said to herself.

  
In the car on their way to John’s parents’ cabin, they sang along to the radio. Despite the fact that all three of them were tone deaf, they kept singing anyway.

Jamie was driving, Claire sat next to him, and John stretched out in the back seat. When Jamie sang the complete lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody, she was impressed and laughed so hard she started to cry, trying to sing along in the chorus with him.

About half way there, they were chatting about school when John interrupted them. “What happened to that girl you were talking about, Jamie?"

Claire looked over to Jamie and saw that his grip around the steering wheel was so hard his knuckles became white. “Nothing,” he replied. Claire felt extremely uncomfortable about the thought that Jamie was talking to John about some girl she had never even heard about.

The atmosphere in the car got super intense and she tried to ease up the mood by saying, ”You have a fan club of girls at home, who are ready to worship at your feet anyway." Claire felt stupid for saying it, but it seemed to work because Jamie started to laugh and even seemed to relax.

The last mile she looked out through the window and wondered who the girl was they were talking about.

As they drove up the driveway, she was completely shocked at how “the little cabin” she had imagined was not small at all, but a huge house by the water. When she saw the little dock, Claire squealed excitedly. "John this is amazing… Oh please, can we have a night swim later?”

"Haha,” said Jamie. “I think I forgot my bathing suit. Maybe we can pack up our things and eat first, before we throw ourselves into the ice cold lake.” He laughed while he grabbed their bags out of the car.

When they got inside John gave her a house tour and showed her the room she was staying in. The room was unbelievable, with a big fluffy bed and its own little fireplace.

Claire packed up her stuff and she changed into more comfortable clothing. As she walked downstairs, Jamie was standing in the kitchen making dinner. She hopped up on the counter next to him and took a piece of tomato that he had prepared for the salad. "Okay Master Chef, what's for dinner?"

"Jamie's famous Lasagna. You are going to love it,” he answered and winked at her.

Claire was pretty impressed by his cooking skills. Jamie even made it look easy. “It will probably be extra good if you go down to the basement and grab a bottle of wine," he said.

  
Claire jumped down from the counter and walked down the hall to look for the basement, laughing when she saw the large wine collection John's parents had.

She must have been down there for a while and Jamie came down the stairs. "Thought you got lost, did you find anything?”

"No, I don’t know anything about wine, tried to pretend I could but.. no."

"Close your eyes and just take one." She heard him laugh when she randomly grabbed one of the bottles on the shelf.

When she turned around she was surprised to find they were standing face to face. Claire had not even noticed that he had moved from the stairs. He took the wine bottle out of her hand and when his fingers touched hers, that previous fire she had felt lit up again.

"What happened to that girl you guys talked about in the car?" she said. Jamie seemed surprised by her question and she could see him thinking.

"Didn’t think she was interested," he answered her.

"No?" she said. She began to wonder if this girl was the reason he was late last week to her party. That’s why he had sex with me that night. He was trying to get over someone by sleeping with me! The thought made her angry, so she took another bottle of wine and left Jamie alone in the basement.

"There you are! I was wondering where you went," John said as Claire put the bottle on the table. She grabbed one of glasses and filled it up as much as she could, not even looking back when she heard Jamie close the basement door.

He was right. She had loved the lasagna. So much that she even started thinking about what more dishes he could make for her.

Oh my god Claire, she thought to herself. Jamie is your best friend. Well, the friend you saw naked once... but just drop it!" She realized that John and Jamie were staring at her.

"What?" she said, afraid that her glass face showed the emotions she was struggling with.

"We asked if you still wanted to go down the lake for a swim," said John, taking the last piece of lasagna.

Embarrassed over how she had been imagining things about Jamie, she felt she needed to escape. “Maybe tomorrow, I suddenly became very tired, I should go to bed. See you tomorrow " She said and got up from her chair and almost ran up the stairs before anyone could say anything else.

Claire was in bed trying to sleep when she heard footsteps outside of her door, followed by a light knock and Jamie's voice whispering "Claire?” She ignored him and pretended to be asleep.

 

The next day, she woke up when John knocked hard on her door. "Claire wake up, it’s 12 o’clock." When she didn’t answer, John threw the door open and leapt onto the bed next to her, rolling over so he was lying next to her.

“What shall we do today, lazy girl?” John asked.

"My plan for today is to read my book. I can’t remember when I last just read for fun," Claire said.

“You are just a boring old lady,” John said, which made Claire laugh.

They were still laughing when Jamie walked past her room "How was your run, Jamie?" shouted John.

"Found a trail that led me to a beach 2 miles away, We should check it out later," Jamie shouted back from the corridor. Claire was kind of relieved when he didn’t came back to talk to them and she heard him close the bathroom door.

They ate their lunch out on the veranda to enjoy the warm weather and Claire began to feel much better than she had the day before.

They talked for hours about what they wanted to do after their graduation. Jamie, who loved his books, wanted to start working publishing company. He was even writing his own book, but refused to tell them what it was about.

John's parents pushed him to become a lawyer and that was what he was going to be, but Claire knew that he wanted to help people in a different way.

"Claire, what about you? I've never met a person who changes her major more than you,” John said.

She smiled. "I don't know. I still haven’t decided if I want to continue to study. I've always wanted to travel and see the world, you know." Claire had always known that she wasn’t meant to live in one place and she wanted to travel around the world and see what life had to offer.

She had planned to graduate, but every day she sat in that cold classroom in rainy Scotland she became more convinced that she wanted to leave. She even looked for plane tickets every night. Her parents had always encouraged her to follow her dreams, regardless of whether she wanted to postpone her studies. Her mother always said that when she was backpacking through Europé, it was the greatest adventure she ever had.

After their lunch Claire took her book and sat down in one of the chairs by the lake. John was right that she needed to get away and relax. This place was perfect.

She put her book down when Jamie came and sat down in the chair next to her.  
"I know we haven’t really talked about what happened at the party,” he said slowly. He was looking across the water and didn’t seem to be able to meet her eyes. “But I want to say I don’t regret it, Claire."

She could hear the truth in his words but she still couldn’t forget that other girl. “We drank too much and it was fun. We don’t need to talk about it, Jamie.” She realized It came out harsher than she had meant, but he seemed to agree and just nodded his head and closed his eyes.

The rest of the days were quite uneventful. The guys cooked and Claire read while the boys played chess. They really enjoyed the few days that had and it was not long before it was almost over.

"I’m going to swim! Do you want to come?” Claire said, looking at John. “ I’m pretty tired after sitting in the sun all day, but I can keep your company," John replied.

"I’ll swim with you," said Jamie.

"You said you didn’t have anything to wear," Claire said, narrowing her eyes at him.

"I don’t need swim trunks, I can swim perfectly fine without clothes," he said, laughing.

Claire went up to her room to change to her bikini. She stood at the window and watched the boys walk down to the bridge with a six pack of beer. When she came down, Jamie was already in the water, his clothes in a pile on the ground.

"Gaaah, that's cold!" Claire screamed when she dipped her toe in the water and started to back away.

“Just jump, it’s nice,” Jamie said. All of sudden she was upside down, hanging over John’s shoulder.

He picked her up and threw her into the water. When she reached the surface, both of them were laughing at her. Claire splashed water on John and tried to look angry but failed miserably. After that, John sat quite close to the edge. Claire swam up to him and tried to drag him down. When she didn’t succeed on her own Jamie came to the rescue. He grabbed John's other arm and together they got him into the water.

“Okay, fair play Claire. But I have to change out of these wet clothes,” John said as he began to walk up to the main house.

Claire and Jamie stayed and swam. They kept a wide distance from each other and small talked a bit. Claire admitted that she was afraid of being bitten by a fish. She started to wonder where John was and began to swim back to the bridge. She took one step on the ledge to try to see if she could see John, but he was nowhere to be found.

When she turned around again, she looked out over the water and realized that Jamie was gone. Suddenly something touched her foot, which made her scream and try to swim away. That was when Jamie reappear to the surface. He almost sank again when he saw the expression on her face which made him laugh at her.

"Haha, you idiot. I almost had a heart attack," Claire said, splashing water in his face.

"Sorry, Lass, I couldn’t help myself after you told me you were afraid of the wee fishes,” Jamie teased. She splashed water in his face again as he swam closer. "I know you said we didn’t need to talk about it, but I want to,” he said quietly.

"What do you want to talk about then?" Claire answered, self-conscious when she remembered that Jamie was completely naked. She tried to swim backwards casually but it was quite obvious that she was trying to get away from him.

"You know that lass we talked about?” he said.

Claire started to get annoyed again but nevertheless she answered, “What about her?”

“Well, I have liked her for a while now but didn’t have the balls to tell her.”

“And then you did?” Claire said and looked everywhere else except directly at him.

“I didn’t think she liked me until I saw how jealous she became when I talked about other girls around her,” he said, giving her his famous lopsided smile.

That just made her pissed off. “So you slept with me to make her jealous? Really mature, Fraser," she said. Irritated, she began to climb the ladder.

"The lass is you, Claire.”

"What?" Claire turned around with her mouth wide open. She probably looked as stupid as she felt.

"Aye, you. Haven’t you noticed? How I always touch you as soon as I get the chance and then at your party when I finally got the courage to pull you into your room?”

Still halfway up the steps, Claire stood staring at him, unsure how to process his revelation. Her body seemed to have its own mind and she didn’t even remember how she got into the water again.

His eyes never left hers as she started to swim toward him. “You didn’t seemed nervous when you asked me to take my clothes off,” she said, swimming even closer.

“I was, though,” he whispered. Claire placed her arms around his neck and wrapped her legs around his hips. Despite the cold water, he felt warm against her skin. "So you feel the same?" he whispered. That was the first time she had ever seen Jamie looking this nervous.

“Aye,” she whispered back and kissed him.

Jamie swam closer to the dock so he could reach the bottom. She remembered that he was naked again when she felt the evidence pulsating against her. That turned that spark into flames as she started to rub her body against his, desperate for friction.

“Maybe we should stop. John may come out at anytime,” Jamie whispered between their kisses.

Claire nodded and looked at him. It was as if she saw him with completely new eyes, but it only took about two seconds before they started to kiss again.

Jamie grabbed her hips and pressed her against him again. She took off her bikini top and threw it onto the dock. Jamie seemed to forget or he just didn’t care anymore about being caught by John.  
Claire dropped her hands between their bodies and grabbed his hard cock in between them. “Oh god, I want you now,” she moaned. Jamie tore her bikini off, and though Claire realized he had ripped it, she couldn’t care less.

And there with only the moon as their witness and the small waves surrounding them, she rode him into oblivion.

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

**Present.**

 

Claire woke up Thursday morning when her second alarm went off.   _ "Fuck!!”  _ She yelled hen she realized how late she was. Within 10 minutes, she made it down to her car and was on her way to work.

 

Laoghaire waved from the front desk as usual when she arrived, and Claire went straight to her desk. She ignored the stares she felt from Jamie and went through her mail, finding the confirmation letter from the hotel she had booked for Jamie.

 

**Mr James Fraser and Miss Geneva Dunsany.**

 

If Claire had something to break she would have thrown it.  That Jamie was going to stay at a hotel with  _ her  _ of all people made Claire so angry she thought of leaving work again. 

 

Fortunately at that moment Laoghaire placed a huge bouquet of red roses in front of Claire on her desk. "Delivery to Claire Beauchamp,” Laoghaire said gladly, interrupting Claire’s thoughts.

 

"Wow they are gorgeous, who they are from?” Claire said while she looked for a card. 

 

“I don’t know,” answered Laoghaire.

 

**"Then let amorous kisses dwell**

**On our lips, begin and tell**

**A Thousand, and a Hundred, score**

**an Hundred, and a Thousand more. / J**

 

Claire grabbed the roses, threw them into the trash and stormed into Jamie's office, slamming the door behind her.

 

"Have you completely lost your mind? Why the hell are you doing this?” she yelled.

 

"Aye, maybe I’ve become mad. But I just wanted to show you how sorry I was about how I've treated you these past days," he said, dragging his hand through his hair.

 

"Normal people just apologize, Jamie!! They don’t write things like this!” she said as she waved the card in his face. 

 

"I tried to express how I felt.”

 

“How you feel? Bullshit, Jamie !! Go and fuck Geneva instead.”

  
  
  


**Past. 2011**

 

Claire and Jamie didn’t do anything more on that trip besides a quick kiss here and there when John left the room. 

 

As they drove back to school, Claire fell asleep. She woke up when she felt Jamie take her hand, lift it to his lips and give it a soft kiss. Reflexively she looked back and saw John snoring in the back seat. When she looked back at Jamie, she could see that he appeared hurt, but he said nothing and let go of her hand.

 

Back to her apartment, Claire sat on her couch and tried to understand what had happened that weekend. Jamie had confessed his feelings and although Claire had not realize it herself before, she felt something for him too. It wasn’t that strange that she had fallen for him.  He was her best friend, he was extremely attractive and the feelings she got when he touched her, even the lightest touch.... 

 

Her thoughts were interrupted by Geillis.  "Welcome home Claire darling!! I have missed ye, I’ve been soooo lonely without ye. Okay, not so lonely but I've missed ye haha. " 

 

"Hi Geillis, I've missed you too!  Did you had a good break?” Claire hugged her.

 

"Oh yes, I even managed to become a regular customer at this new pub and got a new friend." Geillis said.

 

Claire was very curious about this new friend of Geillis. "Who is this new friend?" she asked.

 

"She studies to a be a journalist and we were paired together on a task.  We had such a good time that we went out for an glass of wine together."

 

"Ooh fun, do I know her?” Claire asked, smiling.

 

"Her name is Geneva."

  
  


**Present.**

  
  
  


When Claire came home from work after she had stormed out of Jamie’s office, John wasn’t home. He had texted her and said that they had a big emergency and that he would be home late that night. She stayed awake for as long as she could but after crying so much she had fallen asleep before he even got home. She had decided to talk to John about Jamie. It was time to tell him the truth.

 

Claire got up and jumped into the shower before John woke up. Her thoughts drifted to her last words to Jamie before she had stormed out.  _ "Never talk to me again! You have no one to blame except yourself.”  _ The words echoed in her head and she began to scrub her body harder as if the sponge could in some way make her scrub away the pain that was increasing in her heart. She turned off the shower when she heard John in the kitchen, she grabbed a towel and swirled it around her. She took a deep breath and walked out.

 

_ "Good morning honey, do you want coffee?" _

 

_ "No thank you.  But we do need to talk.” _

 

The fact that Claire had said no to coffee seemed to make John understand that this was something serious.   _ "Okay.” _ he said, gesturing to the table for her to sit down. Claire sat down and started nervously twist her fingers. “It’s about Jamie.” She whispered and John looked at her confused.

 

And then Claire started to tell John the story from the very beginning.

 

“It began in 2011…”

  
  
  
  


**Past. 2011**

 

Back at school everything continued at full speed. Claire couldn’t find a good time to talk to Jamie in person about everything that had taken place that weekend. She had gone through all the pros and cons about developing her relationship with Jamie.  He was her best friend, and she realized that not only did she really like him, now she wanted him to be more.

 

But the question was, was he a big enough reason for her to stay? She felt like going into a relationship with Jamie would mean she needed to stay in Scotland and that she couldn’t pursue her dreams to travel. All the countries she had intended to travel to, all the adventures she had planned in her head would have to be set aside.  She already knew he couldn’t go with her. He had to stay in Scotland, finish school, and then follow his own dreams.

 

Two days after they came home they finally managed to find a time when Claire knew Geillis wouldn’t be home. Jamie was going to come straight to her apartment after his class and Claire volunteered to buy them takeout for dinner.

 

Jamie arrived after 5 o'clock to her apartment and they sat quietly next to each other in the couch, in front of the TV. They had been a little awkward with each other since Jamie entered the apartment, neither of them really sure how the other felt.

 

After dinner they still sat in each corner of the couch but they started to move closer to each other like magnets, until Claire was almost sitting in his lap and Jamie started laughing. “I was afraid ye invited me here to say that everything was a big mistake. I didn’t dare to kiss ye when I came.” 

 

Claire turned her head and kissed him. "No, I don’t think it was a mistake, but we should still talk about what's going to happen now," she said, smiling.

 

"Aye, in a minute" he said, kissing her again.

 

"I’m not sure what I want, but I know I really like you and I am ready to try and see where this takes us.”  Claire looked at Jamie nervously. “But I can't make the same mistake as I did with Frank and jump into a relationship too fast. I did that once and it ended so badly.” 

 

"I get it Claire, if ye want to take it slow then we'll do it.” He said, reached out his hand and placed one of her curls behind her ear.

 

“But maybe we can just let this stay between us until we know what’s going to happen?”

 

“Shouldn’t we tell John?”

 

"Not yet." Claire said.  Although she could see that he didn’t like her idea, he agreed that their new development was going to be a secret until they knew for sure how to move forward. 

 

They were still sitting on the couch when Geillis opened the door and shouted, "Claire are you home? I have a friend with me.” 

 

Claire climbed off Jamie’s lap and started to walk over to the hallway. "Claire this Geneva. Geneva, this is Claire my roommate." Geillis said and the pretty brunette next to her, put out her hand.

 

"Nice to meet you Geneva, this is Jamie my ... friend,"  Claire said a bit awkwardly.

 

"Oh hi," Geneva said, stretching out her hand to Jamie. She laughed and behaved like all the other girls did around him.  Claire noticed that Geneva wouldn’t stop looking at him.

 

"What are ye ladies doing then?" Jamie said, as charming as always.

 

"I just came home to change, we're going out for a beer. You guys want to come? " Geillis asked.  

 

As Claire and Jamie looked at each other, Claire answered, “Why not, and maybe we can invite John too?”

 

"Lovely I'll be back soon," Geillis said as she walked into her room and left the three of them in the hallway.

 

They took a taxi outside campus, to a place called Helwater. John was standing outside waiting for them when they arrived, so the whole gang went in together. They found big table quite close to the bar and Claire sat down next to Jamie. Claire went to order another beer at the bar and when she came back to the table she saw that Geneva had taken her place next to Jamie.  Irritated, she sat down in the chair between John and Geillis instead.

 

Geneva was telling a story to Jamie and all the while she talked, she had her hand on his arm, stroking  it. Claire couldn’t hear what they were saying but each time Jamie laughed at something Geneva said, jealousy grew inside of her.

 

Claire turned her head when she realized Geillis was talking to her. "Claire, there's a ocean of nice guys here tonight! You haven’t been with anyone since you and Frank broke up and there is a guy at the bar who has been looking at you since we got here.”

 

Claire remembered that she hadn’t told Geillis at all about Jamie, but she turned around to look for the guy she was talking about.  He was standing alone by the bar and raised his glass towards her. "Thomas Christie? No thanks!” Claire said, turning around again.

 

"But he is so hot and ye do need a good shag, babe!" said Geillis.

 

Jamie seemed to pick up what they were talking about.  First he looked at Claire and then he looked behind her at Thomas at the bar.  If stares could kill, Thomas would have been dead instantaneously.

 

They continued their night and when Claire needed to pee she went alone to the toilet. She fixed her lipstick and on her way back she bumped into Thomas.  They chatted for awhile and he asked if he could buy her a drink. Before she had the time to say anything, he had turned around to the bar and was talking to the bartender. She could feel Jamie looking at her and when she got the drink from Thomas she quickly excused herself and walked back to their table.

 

"Can I sit with you guys?" Claire heard Thomas saying behind her.  Geillis was quick to grab one of the chairs behind her and of course, she had to place it between herself and Claire. Thomas sat down and introduced himself to everybody.  Claire wanted to disappear when she saw the look Jamie gave her.

 

Uncomfortable with Jamie staring at her and Thomas next to her whispering things in her ear, she thought the only way she would survive the night was if she were drunk, so she buried herself into her drink.

 

A few hours later Claire felt the room spinning and realized how drunk she was. When Geneva told everyone that she needed to smoke, Claire got up and accompanied her outside. She was freezing while she watched Geneva smoke her cigarette but the smoke just made her more nauseous. She stumbled around the corner and almost fell down when she started to throw up, and somewhere behind her she could hear Thomas’ voice. "Come on Claire, I'll get you home.”

 

Claire woke up in her room early the next day, extremely hungover. The last thing she remembered was that she had vomited her intestines outside the bar and then that Thomas helped her up into her apartment.

 

The room was empty, her clothes were still on and she was alone. She grabbed her phone and she texted Jamie.

 

- **Sorry I disappeared yesterday. I didn’t feel so good and went home. Call me when you wake up.**

 

The whole day almost went by and she had not heard a word single word from Jamie. When Claire finally left her room, she met Geillis in the kitchen.

 

"Where's Tommy?" Geillis said, laughing.

 

"Probably at home."

 

"He didn’t want to sleep over?" 

 

"What? God, no! He helped me home, then he left,” Claire answered and Geillis laughed again. “Did you have fun after I went home?”

 

"I went home empty-handed but Geneva took your ginger mate home," Geillis said with a wink.

 

"Who? Jamie?" Claire felt like throwing up again.

 

"Aye, they left together after you disappeared," Geillis said.  She started to look at her worriedly and Claire thought she could probably see the tears running down her face. 

 

Claire felt a large hole form in the pit of her stomach. She left Geillis confused in the kitchen and closed her door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. If you have read the first version, what do you think of this? Is it easier to follow? <3


	6. Chapter 6

**2011**

 

Claire sat in her bed, staring at the wall. _It's not possible. He wouldn’t!?  Why would he do that to me?_ She tried to convince herself.

 

 _Claire, you should let him explain.  There must be a misunderstanding,_ she thought. She decided that she needed to see Jamie. She grabbed her jacket and walked out of the apartment.

 

The short walk over to Jamie’s flat was terrible. With each step, the anxiety increased and when she stood outside his door she already knew.

 

Claire knocked and she heard his footsteps coming closer to the door. She got irritated when it took awhile before he finally opened it.

 

"Aye? What do ye want?" Jamie said. Claire was surprised.  She hadn’t expected him to be mad.

 

She passed him, went inside and waited for him to close the door behind her. “ _Why_ didn’t you answer when I called?”

 

“Didn’t want to bother. I though ye and _Thomas_ maybe wanted to sleep in this morning," he answered.

 

"Thomas?” She said in confusion.  She realized why he was mad.

 

"Aye, I _know_ he brought ye home.” He spat out. Furiously, he looked at her and he didn’t seemed to know what do with his hands.

 

"Yes, he brought me home.  Because when he found me, I could hardly get up from the ground. He _helped_ me home, then he left.” She said. Anger at what he’d thought made her scream, “What the _hell_ do you think of me?”

 

"Oh!” He said. Then his face transformed into horror. “I dinna ken what to think, when Geneva said that you left together. I am so _sorry_.”

 

"What are you really sorry about?" she said, tears began to fall.  She closed her eyes when he started to talk.

 

"I slept with _Geneva._ "

 

After that Claire didn’t hear much more. She cried and tried to avoid to look at Jamie. He fell down on his knees, in front of her. She looked down and saw that he was crying. Claire started to back away from him, moving backwards towards the door.

 

"Please Claire, I _love_ you" he said, still on his knees.

 

"Apparently _not_ enough," she whispered. She left his flat, crying as she walked down the stairs, the three little words he had said for the first time echoed in her head. Claire went straight home, ignored Geillis, and locked herself into her room.

 

She took out her laptop and bought a plane ticket.

 

"What do you _mean_ you’ve dropped out?” said Geillis when Claire finally let her in.

 

“School wasn’t my thing,” Claire answered shortly.

 

“Where are you going? What's going on? Did something happen?” Geillis argued with Claire while she was packing her things.

 

“Nothing happened, I just need to get out of here. My parents are coming this weekend to get the rest of my stuff,” Claire said. Without looking at her roommate she left her keys on the table, grabbed her bag, and walked out of the apartment crying.

 

At the airport, Claire waited for her flight. Wandering around the tax-free store, she tried to think of anything but Jamie. When they finally called out her flight number in the speakers, 0109-R, she started to walk to her gate and wrote a text message to John.

 

 -  ** **I’m going to Australia, I'm at the airport right now. Thank you for being my friend, I will see you again soon.  /Claire.****

 

 

When her phone started ringing, she turned it off and went on the plane.

 

**Present.**

 

"So you fled to Australia because of _Jamie_ ? I'm not going to say that I think it's okay that you've hid this for me for years,” John said and shook his head. “ _But_ it ended before it started? It doesn’t sound so bad," John said.  Claire wished it had been the end of the story.

 

"I'm _not_ done yet, John," she said.  She took a deep breath and continued telling the story.

 

“I went to Australia to get away...”

 

**Past. 2011**

 

Claire felt like a coward. She knew she was running away from her problems, but there was nothing left.  Her friendships with Jamie and John had been the biggest reason she had stayed in Scotland. If she had stayed, she would have been forced to see Jamie almost every day and that would break her heart all over again. The best way to deal with her heartbreak was to leave and try to get over him far away.

 

When she landed in Australia, 28 hours and two stops later, Claire was completely exhausted.  She had cried almost the whole flight and hadn’t slept at all. When she was standing, waiting for her bag. She turned her phone on for the first time. The messages streamed in; most of them were from Jamie.

 

**-John just called!! He said you were at the airport on your way to Australia ???**

 

**-Claire, please don’t go.**

 

**-I'm on my way to the airport.**

 

**-Please don’t get on that plane.**

 

Claire looked at her phone and whispered "too _late,_ " grabbed her bag, and left the airport.

 

Claire didn’t stay a long time in Australia, only about two weeks. She went to the Margaret River, in Western Australia. She visited the beach alone, just enjoying herself and watched the surfers. There she met a small group of nice people who asked her to join them when she said she was alone, showing her their favorite places in Australia.

 

They took her to Uluru, in the Northern Territory, where she learned a lot about the aboriginal culture. She started to feel better as she focused on something other than Jamie.  She really enjoyed her new found friends.

 

That day they were visiting the Barossa Valley, in South Australia. They had been driving for 20 minutes on their way to Patritti Wine Cellars, a winery Claire’s mother had recommended.

 

“Claire, we are planning to go _home,_ ” said Alec, one of Claire's new friends.

 

“Home?” She responded. Claire started feeling sad, thinking that the only ones she knew were going to leave.

 

“ _Thailand_.” Alec said and invited her to come with them.

 

Alec was the one who was originally from Thailand, while the others had wanted to join him.  When they asked Claire to follow them, she did.

 

She felt relieved that Jamie stopped calling after a couple of weeks. She was in Thailand and she felt peaceful.

 

But Claire and John continued to keep in touch.

 

**2013**

 

Claire stayed in Thailand, almost a year and a half before she got tired of the heat and the endless days at the beach.  She decided she needed a change, so she moved to New York where she started working at this small coffee shop, George’s.

 

She felt happy about changing her environment from sunny Thailand to winter in New York.

Claire had an early shift, only one hour left when it started to snow.

 

When she started to walk home. It took longer than usual, she wanted to look at all the Christmas lights that were starting to come up. Something caught her eye and she stopped in front of a bookstore.  Shocked she read the big red sign in the window. "Tomorrow come hear author James Fraser read a chapter from his new book. He will also be available to sign books afterwards."

 

Next to it was his book, entitled "Sassenach."

 

Curiosity took over so she walked in, bought the book and went home to her one roomed apartment. There was a picture of him on the back.  His hair was longer but otherwise he looked the same.

 

She opened the book and started reading, but after her long day, she fell asleep after the first chapter.

 

Claire decided at the last minute that she wanted to go and listen to Jamie read his book. She sat in back and realized how crowded it was with people, mostly women of different ages.

 

Jamie wore a navy blue shirt with his hair tied back in a knot. When he got up on the stage, the audience went wild and began to applaud. He told everyone a little about himself, how happy and grateful he was that they liked the book. Claire felt a little stupid as she had only read the first chapter. Everyone was silent when he started reading.

 

”She broke down his walls without him even noticing. And when she rebuilt the walls she added windows to let the sunshine in," he read. His voice was tender and as she listened to him reading the rest of the chapter, she realized that it was a love story.

 

She decided to stand in line to get her book signed. It had been so long since they last saw each other.  Even though it had seemed like the worst time of her life, once upon a time he had been her best friend. It felt like a good idea.

 

The line was quite long and when it was finally her turn, he took the book without looking at her. "Okay, who am I going to write it to?" he said, then looked up and saw her.  “ _Claire,_ ” he said, shocked as if he had seen a ghost.

 

"Hi, Jamie," she answered. She smiled nervously at him and she thought he was going to faint.

 

Because the line was so long, they didn’t get the time to talk. So when he had signed her book, she waved goodbye and left the bookstore.

 

Her heart pounded so hard that she thought it would explode. _How can he still have this affect on me?_ she thought, starting to walk back to work. When she opened the book, she saw he had written down his phone number.

 

She sat down with the book, wondering if she should call. _What would I even say?_ Claire thought.  She decided to text him instead.

 

**-Hi Jamie, it was fun to see you today. / C**

 

**-Hey Claire, I only have two days left in New York and would like to see you, maybe grab a coffee?**

 

He responded so quickly that she was sure he had been waiting for her to call. They decided they would meet at her job at 8 o’clock.

 

That evening Claire had her back to the door when she heard the bell on the door ringing.

 

“Hello,” a deep voice said. She turned around and they both started to smile.

 

“Hi Jamie.”

 

He still had on the same blue shirt he had worn in the bookstore and a black leather jacket. She hung up her apron and walked over to the front desk. "What do you want?” she asked. “I make a wicked caramel skim latte with cinnamon.”

 

"Haha,” he laughed and smiled even bigger. “Espresso, thank you.”

 

She made him an espresso, walked over to the door and turned the sign to "closed."  They sat down at the small table by the window.

 

They talked about everything, except what had happened between them. They talked about his book and he told her that he had given his manuscript to his boss, who had loved it. After it had been published, it became a world success. Jamie got a big check and before he realized what happened, he was on a plane for his book tour. He had one last stop before going home.

 

"What have _you_ been up to then?" he asked carefully and the obviously reason why she had left hung between them.

 

"Well, I traveled around and ended up in Thailand,” he answered. Jamie nodded and took a sip of his espresso. “I lived there for about a year and a half.  Although I had a lot of jobs, I spent all my free time on the beach. I actually just moved to New York just a month ago.”

 

"That sounds _amazing_! I'm glad you had your adventure.  That's what you wanted, aye?” He said. Even though he sounded happy, she could see the sadness in his eyes.

 

"Yes, it was.”

 

"Have you talked to John?"

 

"Last week, I think,” she answered. “But the last time I saw him was when he visit me in Koh Lipe.”

 

"What?” Jamie’s eyes opened wide.  “Did he go to visit you in Thailand?” he asked, looking shocked.

 

"Twice," she answered, realizing that John hadn’t talked about her with Jamie at all.

 

Silence. Jamie drank more of his coffee and looked out the window. Claire didn’t know what to say and picked up the last blueberry muffin.

 

"I never thought I'd see you again,” he said, his voice low. “I know it is unfair of me to be jealous of John being a part of your life, but I lost my best friend that day.”

 

"I lost mine too," Claire answered and took another bite of her muffin.

 

"Maybe we can start over?"

 

"I don’t know, Jamie ..."

 

"Just friends,” Jamie said, trying to smile. “The ‘sometimes get a coffee together’ or ‘call when you're in town’ kind of friend."

 

Claire hesitated. “Okay, I guess we can do that.”

 

They talked for two hours and Jamie told her that with the money he had earned on his book he was going to open up his own company to publish books. He wanted to focus on writers that nobody would give a chance.  

 

When Claire told him she was feeling homesick he asked her to work with him.

 

"Come on Claire. You need a job and I need a secretary! It’s perfect!”

 

"But you would be my boss," she replied.

 

"Aye, but there are advantages to being friends with the boss," he had said, giving her a lopsided smile.

 

When Claire lay in bed that night thinking about what Jamie had offered her she felt doubtful. It had been almost two years.  She still didn’t know how she felt about him. But the idea of moving home and having a job started to sound comforting.

 

She knew John would be overjoyed.  Their relationship had grown over the years as she traveled.  During dinner when he visited her in Thailand, he said that he had feelings for her and when she was done traveling, he wanted to take her out on a date.

 

Jamie had promised that they could be friends. _Maybe this might work_ , she thought.  She brought out her phone and texted Jamie.

 

 -  ** **Alright, when do we start?****

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please let me know what you think.


	7. Chapter 7

  
  


**Past. 2013**

  
  


"You are finally coming home?” John said, “This is the best thing I've heard in a long time, Claire! We have to celebrate!” Claire had called and told him the news that she was moving back to Scotland.

 

"Yes, and Jamie offered me a job.”

 

"I heard that from Jamie.  He called me last night. I’m going to meet him when he comes back home, to go through his contracts.” 

 

"Didn’t you quit the law firm?”

 

"I did, but I’m doing one last job for my best friend. Training starts in two weeks and this is something I’m doing in the meantime. I have to go now, call you later,” he said and they hung up.

 

She never knew what Jamie had said to John when she left and why they no longer talked. And John had never mentioned Jamie over the years with her.

 

The days flew by.  Claire and Jamie talked on the phone almost every day while she was still in New York, with updates about how everything was going with the company. Right now the only employee he had was Claire. Together they were going build the company from scratch. Together they brainstormed about the things they needed to buy to their office. 

  
  


**2014**

 

And right after New Year’s Eve, Claire took all of her belongings, packed her life into boxes and she flew back home.

  
  


Claire hadn’t found an apartment by the time she moved back to Scotland, so she moved into her old room at home with her parents. 

 

Claire and her mother Julia were going through some of the boxes Claire had brought with her. She hadn’t been home since she dropped out of the university. Claire had so many things she wanted to show her mother; mostly knicknacks from Thailand, but Claire was looking for a special item she had bought during her few weeks in Australia.

 

“Claire love, it's so wonderful to have you home, we've missed you so much!” Her mother Julia said, hugging her.

 

“I have missed you too, mum.” Just being on the floor, being held by her mother, surrounded by all of her boxes made her feel safe. Her decision to move back was starting to feel like the best decision she had made in a long time.

 

“What are you going to do tomorrow?” Her mother wiped away a tear before it even left her eye. Her mother had been emotional since Claire got there and cried tears of joy almost every time they hugged.

 

"Jamie is going to show me the office and then we are going to buy furniture and office supplies. Right now it's just empty rooms,” Claire said, smiling.

 

Julia’s forehead was wrinkled, her face in a frown.  "How do you feel about seeing him again and working together?” her mother asked, sounding worried.

 

"Well, it feels kind of good.  We  _ are  _ friends,” Claire answered, as her mother gave her the look only a mother could. “It will be  _ fine,  _ mum,” she assured her.

 

"If you say so. I don’t want you to get hurt and run away again. You were gone far too long, Carebear,” her mother said, giving her one more hug.

 

“I know. But I am here now.” She didn’t wanted her mother to know that she also had doubts about working with Jamie. She smiled and assured her again. “I want to try and if it doesn’t work out, then I can just quit.” Her mother didn’t seemed to buy it, but Claire was grateful that she didn’t argue. 

  
  
  


Her first day of work, Claire went to the building that would become their office and took the elevator to the 13th floor. The space was huge and had so many rooms. She found Jamie in the room at the far end.

 

"What do ye think then, Claire?” he said. She could see how nervous he was, wondering what she thought of the place.

 

"It’s perfect, Jamie. It feels a little ridiculous that the two of us are going to sit here in this huge place alone, but we can see it is as a motivation.  One day you will have more people working here. By then you will have built an empire!” 

 

“I'm really glad you’re here, Claire. That ye are helping me and want to be a part of this." Jamie hugged her.  It was the first time that he had physically touched her since her return. She felt a bit uncomfortable, not really used to him yet and especially not really ready for him to touch her. Even though it had been years, the scar he had left was still not healed.

 

"First things first, we have to buy furniture.  We can’t work on the floor,” Claire joked, trying to focus on going to the store instead.

 

At the store they bought everything from staplers to a big black desk for him. When they were in the last store looking for lamps, Jamie asked her, “What are ye doing on Friday night? You have to let me buy ye dinner, so we can celebrate that we are finally ready to go on Monday.” 

 

"I have a date on Friday,” Claire said, feeling awkward.  “Maybe we can do it on Saturday instead?" she answered. She couldn’t get herself to tell him she was going out with John.

 

"Oh,” he said, looking uncomfortable. “Yes. Absolutely, Saturday it is.”

  
  
  


The following days were spent late at their office to fix and assemble all the furniture.  Assembly was not Claire's strength. She lost her patience at least a hundred times over how the instructions did not match what she was doing. Jamie seemed very amused over her outbursts and told her he’d reward her by bringing back take-out.

 

Instead of trying to work with the thousands of pieces of what would be her desk, Claire started installing all the computers. When Jamie came back with their food, Claire showed him how all the programs worked. 

 

As they ate, she handed Jamie a box.  As he took it from her, he looked at it in surprise. In the box 

were business cards that she had personally designed for him. “You don’t need to use them if you don’t like them. I can send them back!" she said, suddenly feeling nervous and stupid as he stood silently in front of her.

 

Claire had designed, sketched and ordered them to be a surprise for him. 

 

“I really love them. Truly,” He said holding up one of the cards. “James Fraser CEO. I can get used to that. Thank you, Claire.”

 

“This whole thing,” she said as she looked at their empty office. “It Inspired me and I wanted to make you something special.” She still felt a little foolish, but she was glad that he had appreciated her gift.

 

During dinner, Claire thought about how happy she felt. She really had missed Jamie, more then she had realized. It felt like those two years of silence never happened, and the tension between them was slowly starting to disappear.

 

"I was going to invite John on Saturday.  He is technically an employee, too. It will be fun, having the gang back together,” Jamie said.  She couldn’t think of a reason why they shouldn’t invite John.

 

The night of her dinner out with John, Claire stood in the bathroom putting on her makeup. She wore a black dress and matching high heels. She had about a half hour left before John would pick her up. She still saw John as a friend, but his flirting was refreshing and she always laughed when he said something cliche and cute. 

 

Claire felt like a teenager again being picked up at her parents' house. John opened the car door like a true gentleman. They went to a fancy restaurant, ordered champagne and toasted her return. They ordered Aubergine rolls stuffed with ricotta, tomatoes, scallions and nutmeg for starters. They laughed a lot and had a really nice time and Claire noticed during dinner that her old friend John had transformed to a very flirty John. She had never thought that their "dating" would lead somewhere, so when they sat outside her parents' house and she turned to hug him goodbye, she was surprised when he chose that opportunity to kiss her. 

 

It wasn’t what she had expected.  She had always seen him as her old friend John, but his kiss awoke something. Intrigued, she kissed him again. 

 

He definitely wasn’t just her old friend anymore, this was different.  Claire started to enjoy it. Making out with John in the car made Claire really feel like a teenager all over again.

 

Saturday morning, Claire was up early with her mom and checked out apartments. Even though it was nice to have home-cooked food and someone who washed her clothes, she needed to have her own place. She liked the first apartment they went to; it was quite small but the rent was good and it was within walking distance to her job. 

 

Jamie texted her that he had made reservations for that night and that they should meet at the restaurant called The World’s End.

 

Claire arrived at the restaurant first and sat down at their table, ordering a bottle of wine while she waited. She felt nervous about being with John and Jamie for the first time, especially since her date with John had ended in a way she never could have imagined. 

 

She was drinking her wine when he and John came through the door together.  They ate and laughed and talked about old memories. The evening was going well until John asked, "What was the name of the wine we had yesterday?"

 

"Yesterday? Jamie answered quickly, looking at Claire. Claire became stressed. somehow, she wasn’t prepared for Jamie to find out about her date with John.

 

"We went out yesterday," John answered. Claire saw how Jamie tensed his jaw and looked away from her. Soon after, he apologized and said he needed to go home.

  
  


John and Claire stayed for a while.  When they left Claire assured him that she could manage to get home by herself. Once they’d said goodbye, she took a taxi to Jamie's apartment. She felt she needed to talk to him about what happened. Actually, she didn’t  _ have  _ to explain herself, but they were working together now and she didn’t want "this" hanging in the air. 

 

He had switched to T-shirt and shorts and looked like he'd just got out of the shower when he answered the door.

 

"So you're dating John now?" he said.

 

"We went on  _ one  _ date," she answered and sounded like she was defending herself.

 

"You know you don’t need to come here to get my approval to date him.”

 

"No, I know that. But I thought because of our past that we should talk about it.”

 

He began to drag his hand through his hair like he always did when he became annoyed or nervous. "Did you tell him about us?" he asked.

 

"No."

 

"Then there’s not much more to say.  What he doesn’t know doesn’t kill him. We are friends and you can continue dating John as much you want.” Jamie started to sound angry. “What do you want me to say, Claire? That I'm glad you're two dating and I'm glad you've found each other? A damn love story.”

 

Before she knew what was happening, she had her arms around him and just held him, unsure if she was trying to comfort him or herself. She whispered. "I need to know now if this is going to work? Can we work together?" She realized how inappropriate it was that she was hugging him while she said it, but she still didn’t let go.

 

"I know I have no right to feel so. but the thought of you with someone else ... that someone else is touching you, kissing you," he said quietly.

 

Claire pulled out of his arms, "Jamie." His words made her realize that he clearly wasn’t over her yet.

 

"No, I know Claire. I’m grateful for our friendship and will do all I can to keep it. I will not let this affect our friendship or our job. You don't need to worry."

 

"I don’t even know what this is yet with John.  We've only had one date." She realized she still sounded like she was defending herself but felt at ease when he promised that his personal feelings wouldn’t affect their new friendships.

 

"John is a good guy,” He’d said placing his hands in his pockets.

 

"I know."

 

When she got home, she thought of John and how good she had felt talking with him, and how she felt when she was with him in the car. It had been comfortable,  but somewhere in the back of her head a voice whispered, "He's not Jamie."

 

She got angry with herself.  She had already known on the plane to Australia that she loved Jamie. The first few days she was close to forgiving him and going back but then she accepted reality: no one forced him to sleep with Geneva. No matter what he thought she did, there was no reason to sleep with someone else as revenge.

 

But the feelings and the attraction that were always activated around him made her feel crazy and confused her. When they were shopping for office supplies, they'd walked next to each other and even though their hands brushed for only a second, she felt that tingling feeling to her stomach.  She began to imagine his hands on another occasion several years earlier. 

 

But no, being with Jamie would be destructive, heart crushing and completely bad. John was a road that led to safety, uncomplicated and easy.

 

The first weeks at work, Jamie spent several hours with various writers. There were many that showed potential and they were so grateful for the chance to have their books published. Claire read manuscripts with Jamie until it got dark and during the days she made calls to bookstores to get orders. 

 

After a few months, they managed to get a spot in the annual books fair in London. It was the perfect opportunity for them to have a chance to present their first books to the literary world to get sponsors.

 

About a week until the annual book fair, Claire was going through their budget and calculated that after paying for transportation, space at the book fair, accommodations and food for five people, they could not stay within their budget.

 

"Jamie, we can not afford to pay hotel rooms to everyone!"  Claire said nervously. 

 

"Are there no other cheaper hotels then?" Jamie asked, appearing unconcerned.

 

"No, it's fully booked everywhere and since we need five rooms, only this hotel is available .. if we don’t..." her voice trailed off.

 

"If we don’t what?" he asked, looking at her curiously.

 

"Book four rooms instead."

 

"Fine.  But who would share?

 

"You and I."

 

He was silent for a moment.  “What would John say?" he asked.  Claire didn’t answer right away.

 

John and Claire had begun to meet more often, either at his place or Claire's new apartment. With John training to be fireman and Claire working late with Jamie, it usually became a late dinner. 

 

One evening soon after their dinner with Jamie, she had gone home early and invited John over for dinner.  She cooked for him and even considering how bad she was at cooking, he ate it without pointing out how bad it actually tasted.

They had ended that night in her bedroom.

 

"I don’t think he cares.  He knows we're just friends," Claire answered but she was trying to convince herself, somewhere she knew they always would be more.

 

"Aye, book it then!"

 

Claire did not tell John that she and Jamie would share a room.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**2014**

  


Jamie and Claire knew that their time at the annual books fair in London would be busy. Their first featured writers were  Angus Mhor, Glenna Fitzgibbons and Mary Hawkins. The next three days were crucial to the success of Jamie’s company; during that time Jamie and Claire were determined to get sponsors to help them get their books out.

 

Mary Hawkins had written many short stories that were already out on the internet and she had a lot of readers. The people who knew her and followed her on Twitter looked forward to buying her first book, _By the Sea_. Angus and Glenna were unknown to the world, but Jamie had contacts he knew could help them.

 

Their first day was a success;  after 10 hours standing at their booth they were completely exhausted. When Claire and Jamie retreated to their hotel room Claire went straight to the bathroom and drew herself a hot bath. She lay there until her body was like jelly, then wrapped herself in the soft robe. When she came out Jamie sat down the bed, holding one of the pillows. "I'm sleeping on the floor," he said, looking uncomfortable.

 

"Don’t be stupid, Jamie; we are mature enough to share a bed,” Claire said, walking over to her side of the bed.

 

They lay in the big bed as far apart as they could.

 

She woke up the next day with Jamie behind her, spooning her. Claire didn’t dare to move, afraid he would wake up so she closed her eyes and pretended to sleep. After a while she felt Jamie starting to wake up, but he seemed to be afraid to move as well

 

She could feel when he moved his head closer to her neck, taking a deep breath and breathing her in. She wanted to cry.  Their closeness was too familiar and she felt ashamed that she liked it. Jamie gripped her a little harder around her waist and then he slipped out of bed, but Claire stayed and kept pretending she was asleep.

 

Down at breakfast Claire tried to listen to what Glenna was talking about instead of thinking about how she had felt waking up next to Jamie.  She tried to remind herself that she was dating John now. She shouldn’t be thinking about Jamie this way.

 

The second day, was not as hectic.  There were fewer people there, so they closed down for the day at 5 o'clock. Jamie had suggested that they should all go up to their rooms and change, and then go out for dinner and celebrate their successful weekend.

 

After the noise and chaos of the book fair, Claire had one of the worst headaches she’d had in her life and the thought of spending more time with Jamie and the others wasn’t how she wanted to spend her time off She needed to be alone and just breathe.  Staying in a hotel room with Jamie was anything but relaxing.

 

After Jamie left, Claire ordered a food from room service and had them bring up a dose of Excedrin as well. Two hours and multiple episodes of The Golden Girls later, the headache was gone and Claire was bored, so she changed to go down to the hotel bar.

 

It was quite empty other than a couple of men who appeared to be on a business trip. She sat at the bar and ordered a drink but soon after one of the men came up.

 

"Hey, you look lonely, do you want company?" the man asked.  Claire politely refused. He gave up after a few minutes and left her alone to continue to drink with his friends.

 

Somewhere around her fifth glass the same man wandered over again, and again asked if she wanted company. “Really, honey,” he said. “You look like you could use some company.  A beautiful woman should never drink alone.”

 

“I’m fine,” Claire responded.  “Go back and enjoy your time with your friends.”

 

“But that’s just it,” the man said, coming closer to her.  “I’m not enjoying my time watching a gorgeous young woman sitting here at the bar without any company.”

 

He reached out and stroked her shoulder, making her cringe.  

 

Claire was just about tell him to leave her alone when she heard Jamie deep voice behind her.

 

"She's with me," he said, confidently sitting down on the chair next to her. The man returned to his company as disappointed as he had been the first time.

 

"Thanks,” Claire said, sighing with relief with an  irritated glance at the man who had disturbed her. “Can’t a girl just sit at a bar and be left alone?”  She sighed again and looked at Jamie. “What are you doing back anyway?” She asked.

 

"I left five hours ago... how long have you been here?" he asked.  Glancing at the clock on the wall, Claire realized that she had been sitting there for three hours, lost in her own thoughts.

 

"God, it’s late, we should go upstairs and sleep we have an early day tomorrow!”

 

"Aye, let's go!" he said.  

 

Claire quickly finished her drink.  When she got up from her chair, she felt a bit tipsy, but she also felt Jamie’s arm behind her, ready to act if she should fall. "Relax Jamie I’m not going to fall over," she said, annoyed.

 

Yet that was exactly what she did, though Jamie was fast enough to catch her before she met the floor. He put his arm around her and when they entered the elevator they were silent. Jamie stood so close next to her that she could smell him, cigarette smoke and beer. His breathing got heavier the further up they got in the elevator. When the doors finally opened, she felt relieved not to have to stand with him in a crowded space.

 

The last bit to their room he let her go when she insisted she could walk by herself. In their hotel room, Jamie walked straight into the bathroom and Claire sat down on the bed, suddenly feeling completely sober, as if the elevator ride had enhanced all of her senses. She heard Jamie step into the shower and turn on the water.  She quickly took her dress off and put on a T-shirt to sleep in.

 

When Jamie came out of the bathroom , Claire was lying in bed, facing away from the bathroom so he couldn’t see if she was awake or not. He turned off the light on his side of the bed and the room went dark. Claire felt the bed sink under his weight, felt him pull the covers down and then back up again.  After a while, he whispered, "Are you awake?"

 

"Yes," she whispered back.

 

"Why did you stay in bed this morning?"

 

She pretended to play dumb. "What do you mean?" she asked.

 

"I know you were awake.”

 

"And how do you know that?"

 

"Because I woke up before you did."

 

Her heart began to pound harder. "Drop it, Jamie."

 

"I can’t."

 

She turned around so she was laying face to face to him, but they were still far apart. He began to move closer to her and though she felt panic, she didn’t stop him. When he was so close that his legs rubbed against hers, her breathing was so fast that she thought she would faint. It was like an electric current went straight through her when he was so close... too close.

 

"I want you so much that I can scarcely breathe, Claire,” he whispered.  She held her breath. “Will ye have me?”

 

"Yes."She whispered.

 

When the word had barely come out of her mouth, his lips were on hers. As they kissed each other, it was as if she got obsessed and pulled him down on his back and climbed over him. He pulled her shirt off and tried to touch her breasts, but she was laying so close to him that his hands barely fit in between them. His was hard under her and she started to move back and forth, rubbing against him.

 

Claire climbed off to take off his underwear and pull off her panties, but then she quickly climbed up again. Jamie reached over and turned the lights on. “I need to see you” He said and she looked him straight into his eyes, eyes that reflected her own feelings, raw and wanting.

 

His cock was mere centimeters away from her. When she guided him inside, she almost made an animalistic sound. She rode him as fast and hard as she could, and when she came she started to shake. he carried her and turned them over, so she ended up on her stomach, his hand hard at her hips and she knew it would leave marks but she didn’t care. The combination when he pushed inside her once more with her orgasm still raw, was almost too much.  

 

"I’m going to come...” he said, almost shouting. “Oh, Claire," he gasped, his words and movement  triggering her again. Her second orgasm came just as she felt him stiffen with his own over her.

 

Afterwards, they were lying in each other's arms when he said, "I swear I could not love you more than I do right now, and yet I know I will tomorrow.”

  
  


**Present.**

 

He walked back and forth in the apartment as Claire sat silently on the couch. John had never been so angry in his entire life. His best friend and his girlfriend had lived a secret life together behind his back. He wanted to break everything in the apartment, and he wanted to kill Jamie.

 

John, who usually was a calm and kind man, was furious when his fiancé told him that she once had feelings for and had sex with his best friend while he and she were dating. He was devastated as he wondered how long it had been.

 

He had interrupted her when she told him about their weekend during their trip to the book fair. He needed her to stop talking so he could calm down. He felt so deceived. He almost laughed at the thought that he had been going to asked Jamie if he wanted to be his best man. When he thought of it, Jamie had not mentioned a word about their engagement--no congratulations, nothing.

 

John took his jacket and stormed out of the apartment, leaving Claire alone on the couch. He had to go and confront Jamie.

 

Suitably, he saw Jamie outside his house. He was dressed in training clothes, and probably just been to the gym. When John jumped out of the car and slammed the door, Jamie turned around. Jamie’s first reaction to seeing John was to smile, until he discovered the state John was in.

 

The first punch in Jamie's face made Jamie stumble back, the second and third ended up in his stomach. At first Jamie didn’t fight back, just tried to block John’s punches.  Somehow that made John even more angry, because it meant he didn’t deny anything. He had not even asked why John was attacking him, because he knew exactly why.

 

But a man can only take a certain amount of blows without striking back and when Jamie hit back, John flew down to the ground. When he was down, Jamie screamed "Calm down John !!"

 

"Don’t fucking touch me.  How the hell could you do this to me?" John demanded, pushing him away when Jamie tried to help him up.

 

"Did she tell you?" Jamie asked quietly.

 

"She told me enough!” John spat back.

 

"I'm so sorry, John," Jamie looked sincere, with the courtesy to look ashamed.

 

John just stared at Jamie, shook his head and strode back to his car.

  



	9. Chapter 9

**Past. 2014**

  


When Jamie woke up that morning in the hotel room. he saw Claire's nude form next to him, her beautiful curls laying over her pillow.  He couldn’t stop looking at her. Yesterday felt surreal and he could not believe that she had wanted him, truly wanted him.

 

Ever since he had seen her in the bookstore for the signing in New York, it was as if all the suppressed feelings he had tried to forget, all the love he once felt for that woman had come to the surface.

 

He had been in love with Claire for months before he dared to tell how her how he felt.

 

Even those feelings he felt after she disappeared came back. How completely destroyed he felt when he came back from the airport alone with the knowledge that he had ruined everything.

 

That night at Helwater was blurred in his memory, but he knew that he was full of jealousy and anger when he had gone home with Geneva. He was not proud of what he had done, but when Geneva said that Claire had left with Thomas, her words had echoed in his head. Claire had said that they would take it slow and to not tell anyone about their relationship.  In the heat of the moment, he had thought it was because she didn’t wanted to be monogamous.

 

He had been sitting at the bar all night, watching Claire and Thomas whisper together.  He had noticed when she said that she needed air, but clouded with anger and jealousy, he hadn’t noticed the state she was in.

 

When Geneva had come back alone, telling them that Thomas and Claire had gone home together, Jamie was crushed.  When Geneva continued to flirt with him, he just stopped thinking and followed her home.

 

A few weeks after Claire had disappeared, Geneva had begun to pop up everywhere. She was in ALL of his classes. She told him that she had changed her mind, that she didn’t want to study to be a journalist. She wanted to become a publisher, like him.  He didn’t care so much that she sat next to him every day in class, but when she started appearing at his favorite place where he liked to sit and write his book, he wouldn’t talk to her.

 

He had become an empty shell after Claire disappeared.  He even avoided John as much as he could, Being with John only brought up the memories of the three of them together, their weekend at the cabin, and being with Claire. The only one he could talk to was his big sister Jenny.

 

"It hurts to breathe. It hurts to live. I almost feel like I hate her, yet I don’t think I can exist without her” Jamie said.

 

Jenny looked at him with a frown on her face.  "I know, brother, but you can’t blame her. She left because of what _you_ did. You have to move on and learn to live with it!"

 

Jamie felt ashamed.  He knew it was his own damn fault. What a fool he had been.

 

He found calm in writing his book, managing to transfer his feelings into his writing after Claire left. Jamie’s novel was about a man who had lost the love of his life. His main character spent every day for the next 10 years on the same bench, always at the same time, waiting for her to come back, His Sassenach.

 

He didn’t stop thinking about Claire, but somehow he accepted that she was not coming back and succeeded to push his feelings aside. So when Geneva started working at the same publishing house as he did, she was a good distraction, someone to call when he wanted a easy fuck because he knew that Geneva was in love with him and always care running.

 

When he had begun thinking about opening up his own business, Geneva wanted to opened it with him. But just before his book tour, he had ended their "relationship" and when he met Claire in New York,  he forgot that Geneva even existed.

  


**2014**

 

Claire sat in the window seat of her apartment and looked out onto the street.  Everyone continued to live their life as usual, while hers felt like time had stopped.

 

The morning after she and Jamie slept together, she had woken up in the hotel room to find Jamie lying next to her wearing the biggest smile ever. They didn’t talk about what had happened. Instead, they had packed their things and checked out of the hotel.  When he dropped her off outside her house, she had kissed him on the cheek and said goodbye. Once inside she had thrown her suitcase into the closet and now, here she sat in the window. John had called a few times but she was not really ready to talk to anyone.

 

History was repeating itself. She had had sex with Jamie again. But this time it was different; this time she was in a relationship with John.

 

Claire tried to convince herself that she hadn’t cheated on John. They were still in the dating stage, they had not talked about being together or whether they would see others, but she felt she had gone behind his back because he was Jamie's best friend.  As much as she tried to justify what she had done, deep in her heart Claire still knew what she had done was wrong.

 

She had spent months trying to forget Jamie, even moving thousands of miles away after what he had done. She had decided that they would be friends now, but she still could not deny the attraction or feelings she again began to feel about Jamie.

 

“FUCK!” she screamed.  Claire had no idea what she would do.

 

After a while, fatigue took over and she went to bed. She would have to solve this tomorrow, she thought.

 

Once at work the next day, Claire and Jamie talked as usual about work and what would happen during the week. Jamie told Claire that they had received lots of new manuscripts after their successful weekend. She waited for Jamie to bring up the subject, but he did not.

 

 _He said that he still loved me last night, but I didn’t say it back. Do I love him?_ She thought. Was it the unbelievable strong attraction that made her sleep with Jamie or was it because she actually had feelings left? _You never stopped loving him,_ whispered the annoying little voice in her head.  But John? She really liked John and how could they have a future if she loved Jamie?

 

She knew Jamie had to work late in the office so she decided that they needed to talk about the elephant in the room.

 

He was sitting in his chair in his office, wearing the reading glasses Claire always thought looked cute. She knocked on the door and he smiled when he saw her. "Did you forget something?" he said.

 

"No. I thought... maybe we could talk?” She answered nervously. “After all, you are not my boss at the moment, since I clocked out.” Claire tried to laugh to hide how nervous she really was.

 

"Haha. There is some chance that I'm your boss too, but we should definitely talk." He looked almost as nervous as she did.

 

She sat down and was just about to start talking when he interrupted her. "I meant what I said after our dinner with John. I would do anything to protect our friendship. I don’t want you to feel the pressure to choose between me and John.  But I also meant what I said last night. I love you Claire. I always have.” Jamie said, still in his chair and he looked even more nervous then before.

 

"When I went to Australia, I was in the worst condition I’d been my entire life. I didn’t know where I would go,” she said, looking at him. “But knew I needed to get as far away from you as I could and after a while I would finally be able to breathe again.” She paused.  Jamie looked devastated. “After my time away, I finally felt happy again. When I met you in New York, I didn’t know what would happen. But then I started dating John.”

 

He was silent so she continued talking. "I'm so grateful that we're friends again, I never thought it would happen."

 

"So you just want to be friends then? You still want to be with John?” He said, his voice low.

 

"I don’t know Jamie.  It's so fucking hard! We only had one week together and when it was over, I fled the country. I couldn’t manage to be on the same continent as you if we weren’t together!” She said it louder than she intended.  “I'm terrified that if we go on this path again and it doesn’t work, I’ll have to change _planets_. I can’t exist in a world where I don’t have you!”

  
  


She started to crying and Jamie got up and pulled her into his arms, whisper unfamiliar words in Gaelic. Although Claire couldn’t understand what he was saying, she started to calm down. She looked up and he wiped away her tears and said.

 

"Tell me what you want, Claire. I’ll do anything you want!" he whispered.

 

"I want _you_!" she whispered back.

  


Jamie lifted her up and placed her on his desk. He held her face between his hands and kissed her gently, as if he was afraid she would break. She pulled off his shirt and started undoing his pants as he started undressing her. Naked, she lay down on his desk, spreading her legs and he moved closer to her.

 

He entered her, but before he was completely sheathed inside her, he pulled back slowly, teasing her and then continued to make love to herher with slow, calm movements.  Claire felt greedy and just wanted more, so she sat up and clenched her legs around his waist, so that she could force him even further inside her. Jamie smiled and kissed her.

 

When she felt was close, she leaned back on the desk. He increased his pace and as she came, he couldn’t hold back his own orgasm. Sweaty and breathless, he lifted her up and sat down in his chair with her on his lap. They looked at each other and couldn’t stop smiling.

 

As they got dressed, Claire was standing next to her desk when she saw the face of his phone glowing. She didn’t know why she did it, perhaps just impulse as his secretary.  But when Claire picked it up, she read the sender’s name. _Geneva Dunsany._

 

"Are you fucking kidding me? she said, staring at Jamie.

 

"What?" Jamie was confused when he saw Claire throw the phone.  He picked it up off the floor, and when he saw the screen, his eyes widened in horror. He rushed forward to Claire who were already on her way out. “Claire, wait.” He pleaded, trying to stop her from leaving.

 

"No, let me go!! How is this happening again?" Claire cried out.  

 

Jamie  held his hands up in the air, realizing he should back away and give her space. “Let me explain!" he pleaded.

 

"Okay explain. Now,” Claire ordered, still standing in the doorway.

 

Jamie explained that they were in the same class and that they later started working together. He cautiously explained that they had had sex a few times, but that Geneva meant nothing to him.  However, the more he told Claire, the angrier she felt.

 

Jamie told her that after he quit his firm, Geneva did too and moved away. He hadn’t talked to her since then.

 

"I cannot do this,” Claire said quietly.  “Not again,” she said. She didn’t look back as she left.

 

Jamie stood, staring after her.  Finally he looked down at his phone and read the text again.

****\- Hey babe, I’m in town for a few days. do you want to hook up? I know you've missed me. / Geneva** **

 

 

Claire ran home as fast as she could. She needed to be home and feel safe again. She was so angry that she thought she would explode.

 

After a few hours locked in her apartment, she had calmed down.  She realized that she couldn’t run away every time something terrible happened to her. She needed to learn how to handle loss. Finally Claire tried to accept that it would never be her and Jamie.  He did not deserve her love. But the thought of not having Jamie made her sad. She needed him in her life. She loved her job, and regardless of whether her title was Jamie's secretary, she was so much more. She was more of a partner and an equal. Claire decided that she would stay at his company, especially because his friendship was too important.  However, they would need to return to their first agreement, to just be friends and work colleagues.

 

It wasn’t going to be easy. She knew that, but that was what she was going to do. She needed to lock away her feelings for Jamie so they could suffocate and die.

 

Claire took up her phone and she texted Jamie.

****\- It is pretty clear that we cannot be together. BUT I am willing to try to work together and have a professional relationship if you can.** **

 

****\- Aye, I can do that.** **

****\- Me too. See you tomorrow.** **

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**2014.**

The first few months were hard. Claire and Jamie tried to keep their distance.  Though occasionally it was still awkward, in time it became better and they started to accept their new positions as friends.

 

At the same time, they started to expand the publishing company and hired more people. Each new agent they hired--Harry Tompkins, Lawrence Stern, Mina Alcott, Katherine Murray, and Duncan Innes--brought their own writers along, and thus the company began to grow.

 

Although none of the new agents knew what had happened between her and Jamie in the past, everyone understood that Claire was an important person to Jamie.  They could see that that she was as respected as if she were a boss even though her title was just secretary.

 

Claire’s relationship with John had been put on pause after he moved away temporarily to train to become a firefighter. The internship job he got was in another city and they both agreed to take things slow while he was away.  After all that had happened with Jamie, she felt she needed a break from men either way. John often called to tell her how his training was going, how fun it was, and that he missed her.

 

Jamie and Claire were definitely more comfortable but they still had an unwritten rule to never touch each other. Although they both knew there should be some sort of self-control, their past had proven that wrong things happened when they touched each other.

 

And in some ways, they succeeded in keeping their friendship intact.

  
  


Meanwhile, John and Claire had decided that when he moved back again, they were going to try again for real to officially be together. The Christmas party at their office seemed like a good time to invite John.  Because they weren’t so many employees, everyone was invited to bring friends and Claire had invited John, looking forward to seeing him for the first time since his move away.

 

Claire had decorated the whole office with glitz and decorations, buying a huge Christmas tree, that she spent hours decorating with Mina. Duncan and Jamie took care of buying alcohol and everyone really looked forward to the evening.

 

Claire had been looking for the perfect dress for several days and when she finally found it, it was better than she had imagined. It was a tight red dress with a slight slit on the side. If she could say so herself, she looked really damn sexy.

 

She couldn’t wait until John saw her.

 

When Claire got to the office for the party, there were quite a few people there. Even before she got there, she had received several compliments. The dress worked its magic and she quite enjoyed the attention.

 

Claire was talking to Mina when she saw Jamie for the first time that night. He turned around and noticed her, his eyes widening in surprise. He didn’t stop looking at her, not even realizing that he was staring at her because when Duncan touched his arm to get his attention, it took a while before he reacted and came out of his trance. Maybe it was too good of a dress, Claire thought turning back to her conversation with Mina.

 

When John finally arrived to the party he was completely enchanted by her, too.

 

"Wow, Claire, you look .. Absolutely amazing.” John said enthusiastically. “Sorry, I'm late, I met Geneva in the elevator. Do you remember her from university?”

 

John said and started ushering her towards the drinking table. He didn’t notice that Claire was furious on the verge of shaking, her hands clenched into fists.

 

 _How the hell was that bitch invited?_ she wondered.

 

She wasn’t surprised when she found Geneva next to Jamie, but what did surprise her was how Geneva threw herself into her arms when she saw her.

 

“Claire, how nice to see you !! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! How are you?” Geneva said, still hugging her.

 

"Fine. how are you?" she answered, still shocked.

 

"Ooh, I’m so good, I just told Jamie about my vacation; how nice it was to be in the sun and to drink by the pool everyday.” She was touching Jamie and he seemed to be uncomfortable. “But now I'm _back_!” Geneva said.  Despite her cheerful expression, the word sounded like a threat.

 

Claire excused herself and walked away from the party. She went up the stairs all the way up to the highest floor with her heels in her hand. She unlocked the door that led to the rooftop; only she and Jamie had the keys to access the roof so she knew she would be alone.

 

She stood by the railing and talked to herself loudly. "Big deep breath... Come on Claire, just breathe."  When she heard the door close behind her, she stopped speaking.

 

“I didn’t know she would be here tonight, I _promise_ Claire!" Jamie said, coming to stand next to her.

 

"Are you still seeing her?" she asked without looking at him.

 

"No,” Jamie answered. “I’m not seeing _anyone_.”

 

Claire knew she had no rights over who, or even if he actually dated someone,  but his answer made her more relieved than it should have. Finally she looked at him.

 

Jamie was breathtaking in his black suit in the moonlight. They stood, staring intensely at each other. He probably had the same thoughts as her.

 

 _As long as we don’t touch, we’ll be fine_ , Claire said to herself. It repeated like a mantra in her head over and over.

 

Jamie broke the silence. "Are you ready to go down again?"

 

 "In a while… You can go," she answered.  He stayed next to her, the two of them standing there quietly, looking out on the world.

 

His hand found hers and that little voice in the head kept whispering, _As long as we don’t touch, we’ll be fine._

 

“You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, Claire.” His voice was low and every bone in her body ached.

 

“We should go,” she answered, taking her hand out of his. He didn’t say another word as they walked in silence down the stairs, back to their office.

 

Claire found John with Harry in a discussion about rugby. She stood as close to John as she could and tried to join in their conversation, but all she could do was to think of Jamie. She was annoyed that he had the nerve to say such things and that he had held her hand.

 

She decided to try to have fun, so she interrupted Harry. "Sorry,” she said.  “Now John has to dance with me."

 

There were already some people who were dancing, so after a few minutes she felt much better.  Claire couldn’t stop laughing at John’s silly dance steps. She certainly wasn’t a professional herself, but with her tight dress and hip movements, she did a good job. John's eyes looked dark with desire as he watched her and then pulled her closer. She laid her arms on his shoulders and he placed his on her hips, bending down his head to whisper, "Your dress really is amazing, did I mention that?" She started to giggle.

 

Over John's shoulder she saw Jamie standing, looking at them from the other side of the room.  As she saw him, she stopped laughing. Claire realized that this had to be the first time Jamie had seen her and John together like this.

 

Jamie began to move towards them, but stopped at Katherine.  Claire watched as Jamie whispered something and Katherine nodded. He escorted Katherine to the dance floor and he drew her close, as close as Claire was to John.

 

With all that had happened between them, he had never behaved like this. But with the combination of alcohol and his apparently jealousy, she knew he was trying to make her jealous. He twirled them around so Katherine had her back toward them and Jamie's face was toward Claire.

 

Claire followed his hands with her eyes, noticing how his hand was going from Katherine's back and slowly wandering down until it just stopped right above her ass. Katherine seemed to enjoy his attention, because she laughed and batted her eyelashes suggestively.  Jamie did not laugh; he just kept staring at Claire and John.

 

Claire was disgusted that Jamie’s plan seemed to work.  She was definitely jealous.

 

She should have let it be and ignored him, but quickly thought, _two can play that game_! She pushed herself closer to John, feeling him take a harder grip on her hips. She noticed that her gentle movements against John seemed to excite him, thought he bent down to whisper, “I like this seductive Claire.  But maybe we can save this until we get home later?" Then he kissed her there, right in front of Jamie.

 

Their dance was interrupted by Geneva, wondering if she could to cut in Reluctantly, Claire released John and went to one of the tables and sat down. Almost everyone seemed to be up on the dance floor, so as Claire watched them all dance, her eyes went from Jamie to John.  She couldn’t get rid of the feeling she felt, how jealous she was.

 

When Geneva had finished her dance with John, she sat down next to her but Claire ignored her.

 

"John is a great dancer,” Geneva remarked

 

"I know." Claire answered coldly.

 

"Jamie is _also_ a very good dancer.  We used to go out dancing sometimes after work before," Geneva added. Claire wanted to strangle her. She didn’t answer but continued looking out on the dance floor.  

 

Finally Geneva whispered, "James Fraser is mine. He will always be mine."

 

Claire looked at her with the most murderous look she could as Geneva smiled and left the table.

  


The evening continued at full speed and everyone seemed to be having fun. Eventually John joined Claire and waved over Jamie to their table. The guys  talked about John's training as Claire sat silently next to them listening. She felt something touch her foot. She looked down and she realized it was Jamie's foot.

 

She should have move her foot away, but something about Geneva’s presence combined with alcohol messed with her mind. Instead, she took off her shoe and dragged her foot slowly up his leg.  When he took a tighter grip on his glass, Claire realized what she was doing and stopped. She needed a moment to collect her thoughts, so Claire excused herself to go to the bathroom.

 

On her way back from the bathroom, she heard a door open next to her.  Claire didn’t get a chance to react before Jamie had dragged her into the little stockroom were they had their supplies and papers.

 

She backed up against the cold wall, staring at him, their breathing the only sound in the room. She knew she shouldn’t be there, but she didn’t want to go.

 

And when he locked the door, it released all the possible inhibitions she might have had. She clung to Jamie and couldn’t put her hands under his shirt fast enough. She needed to feel his skin once more.

 

Her mouth was tasting him, across his chest and over his flat stomach while she unclasped his belt, unbuttoned his pants, took down the zipper, and his pants fell to the floor.

 

There they were inside the locked stockroom, Jamie standing with his pants and boxers at his feet, the shirt thrown into a corner, and Claire on her knees in front of him.

 

Her hand slowly stroked down from his navel to something that she had both thought and dreamed about a number of times since she last saw and felt it.

 

She started to tease him.  Light as feathers, she licked his tip with her tongue.  He froze, and she opened her mouth.

 

She looked up. Jamie stood with one hand on the wall.  Placing his other hand on her head, he took hold of her hair.

 

He was close when Jamie released his grip and lifted her up from the ground.  

 

“Does he make you feel this way? he asked, pushing her against the wall. “Does he make you scream like I do?”  Jamie dragged his hand slowly downwards,making her even more wet. Each time he touched her, she felt how much she wanted him, how much she desperately needed him.

 

“No,” she whispered. She pulled up her skirt, looked him straight in the eyes and kissed him for the first time that night.

 

Jamie lifted Claire up against the wall as she wrapped her legs around him. He pushed himself inside her, hard; over and over again, without ever breaking eye contact with her.

 

Claire breathed heavily and moaned, but other than that, the only sound that was heard was the thud of her back against the wall and the wet sound from their bodies meeting.  It was like being in another world. Nothing existed around them.

 

They left the room separately. Claire went back to the bathroom to clean herself. She had looked completely destroyed, but managed to fix her makeup and let her hair hang loose.

 

Once back on the party, no one seemed to have noticed that she been gone.  When John asked if they should going home together, she lied and said she was tired and wanted to go home alone.

 

Claire could feel the evidence of Jamie between her thighs as she went home.

  


Claire woke up late the next day, took her phone and texted Jamie.

 

**-Yesterday never happened.**

 

**-I have bites marks to prove it did.**

 

**\- Jamie! This was the last time! it will never happen again!**

 

**-If you say so! See you on Monday, Beauchamp.**

 

Claire threw her phone on the floor and went under the covers to hide, as if the covers could protect her from the outside world. She promised herself never to have sex with Jamie again.

 

The weekend flew by quickly and when Claire got to work, everyone stopped and told her how much fun they had at the Christmas party.  She sat down at her desk and checked the calendar. They had a lot of people who were coming to work today. Jamie had a reporter who would interview him at 10 o'clock, He had made number 5 on a list of the New York’s hottest single entrepreneurs and they wanted to talk and photograph him.

 

Claire had no desire to go to Jamie’s office so she rang from her desk.

 

"You have that interview with the magazine today at 10 am and then you have people coming to interview for the receptionist job at 12 o'clock," she said

 

"Are you scared to come in and talk to me? You needed to call instead? You know I can see you.” Jamie waved through the window that separated them and smiled.

 

She held up her middle finger and hung up.

 

Claire had just been to an early lunch when she met Jamie and the reporter, standing right next to her desk. The reporter flirted and laughed like all the other women who met Jamie. Claire rolled her eyes and sat down on her chair.

 

When the reporter left, Jamie leaned against her desk and took an apple from her fruit bowl.

 

"What kind of exciting questions did Mr. Fraser get?" Claire asked with her professional secretary voice.

 

"Nothing but the usual,” he answered, smiling.  “Why am I single? What you can do to get me?” He laughed and took a bite of his apple.

 

"What did you reply then?" she asked as casually as she could.

 

"You may read it later today.  The reporter is going to send an excerpt before it's published tomorrow."

 

Jamie forwarded the interview from the magazine just before he went to interview people for the job as a receptionist.

 

**5 # James Fraser**

 

**This young entrepreneur seems to have it all. He has his successful business, he works out every day, he has written a book, he loves to cook, and girls he is single!**

 

**We had the honor to meet him and get answers to everything you want to know.**

 

 **Q: You have written the book** **_Sassenach_ ** **, that's a wonderful love story. What inspired you to write it?**

**A: Thank you.  I wrote it my last year at university and it's, well… based on my life! Not all of it, but I lost a person who was very important to me.  I went every day at same time and sat on a bench outside the airport, hoping that person would come back.**

 

**Q: Wow !! Sounds really romantic, what happened then?**

 

**A: Haha, I'm still single, so you tell me.**

 

**Q: What are you looking for in a woman?**

 

**A: Hmm I'm pretty simple, so food, wine, and a cozy place to hang out. I love being out in nature.**

 

**Q: So the last question now, How do you show someone you love them?**

 

**A: I love all kinds of books, but poetry has always had a special part of me. I would probably hand write my favorite poems and maybe send flowers.**

 

 **Q:** **Ohh that’s adorable!! Can I hear some of your favorite poem?**

 

**A: Haha you need to date me first.**

  


Claire stared at the picture they had taken of him.  She was in shock.

 

He had gone to the airport every day, waiting for her, hoping she would come back. She almost wanted to cry. She was ashamed to admit that she had not finish Jamie’s book.  When everything went to hell between them, she had thrown it away.

 

She didn’t know what happened to the man in the book, or what happened in the book at all. She decided she needed to buy a copy of _Sassenach_ on her way home from work.

 

When she looked up from her desk. Jamie came out of his office with a blond girl who seemed to be completely overjoyed, shaking Jamie's hand.

 

"Who was that?" she said when the girl had left.

 

"Laoghaire, our new receptionist. She will receive all our clients by the door, show them to the waiting room and offer coffee. "

 

"Sounds like my job."

 

"You know you're more than that,” he said low.

 

"Oh, I'm paid extra to fuck the boss in the stockroom sometimes." She regretted it before the words came out of her mouth.

 

"Claire, you almost do more in this company than I do. You _know_ you're more than a secretary.” He said and then he started to smile. “And what is this about fucking the boss in the stockroom?  I thought that never happened!”

 

"Right! I’m thinking about going home now!” she said, instantly embarrassed. She was too emotional to stay.

 

"Already? What are you going to do?" he asked, looking at his watch.

 

"Nothing.  You hired the first girl you met today, and there is nothing more for me to do here. I can handle the emails from home. "

 

"Aye, Okay. See you tomorrow, Claire."

 

She bought Jamie's book, went home and read the whole thing.

 

_The last chapter from Sassenach;_

 

_I was born again because of your love, but I died of the same reason. I’m not sure what scares me more, that you will never start loving me again, or that I will never stop loving you._

 

_I realized I was thinking of you, and I began to wonder how long you'd been on my mind. Then it occurred to me: Since I met you, you've never left. I choose you. And I'll choose you, over and over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing you._

 

_He went outside, got in his car and drove to the bench where he had seen her last and waited._

 

Claire put the book down and cried, more then she had for a long time. She cried for herself and she cried for Jamie.

 

She was his Sassenach.

 


	11. Chapter 11

Claire had been awake all night, reading Jamie’s book. When her alarm rang the next day, her eyes were all swollen from crying. Claire didn’t think she could manage seeing Jamie today when she was like this. She was afraid she would start crying again, so she texted Jamie.

-Hi, I don’t feel so good. Staying home today! I’ll complete Laoghaire's contract and send it over later.

-Are you sick? You’ve never called in sick before!

 

-Yes. I need to take a sick day..

 

She started to think about John. They had never taken that last step to become a couple for real while he was in training. She had visited him few times, but he never knew if he would have to leave in the middle of the night.  They had both agreed that a long-distance relationship wouldn’t work and decided that they would slow down until he moved back.

 

As Claire considered John, a voice in the back of her head told her, “If you really love someone, you do everything you can to be together, spend every second with them.  Even if there is just a small window of time, you take it.”

 

But she had not spent every little second with John. Claire was either home or at work with Jamie. It wasn’t uncommon for her to stay late at the office with Jamie, helping so he didn’t need to stay there all night long.

 

When she had traveled around and lived in Thailand, there had been some guys she met, flings with tourists who later on went home. She had spent time with them with the knowledge that it wasn’t permanent. That had never broken her heart...

 

So maybe that was the solution. Everything felt far more complicated than it needed to be. For right now, she needed to be with neither John nor Jamie.  She decided she needed to call John and say that she needed to be alone and end it for real.

 

John was calm, understanding, and kind as usual. But he was still convinced that they belonged together and said that when he came home he would sweep her of her feet. It felt like he didn’t hear her and misunderstood her. It kind of annoyed her but she wanted to end the conversation so she didn’t argue. She hung up the phone, feeling lighter than she had felt for a long time.

 

No John, no Jamie, just Claire.

 

She decided to clean her apartment and wash her laundry. There was something therapeutic about cleaning, she thought, wiping away all the dirt until something is completely clean. 

 

When Claire got hungry in the middle of all the cleaning she opened her fridge only to realize it was totally empty.  She hadn’t been shopping for food for a long time. She wasn’t the breakfast- eating type; she just had her coffee in the morning and usually just bought takeout for lunch and dinner.

 

But this new Claire could try to learn how try to cook, and perhaps even slow down with the wine. "Nah, it's enough to just learn how to cook,” Claire thought, laughing that she’d even considered stopping drinking.  _ A few glasses of wine sometimes isn’t bad _ , she reassured herself.

 

When Claire finally finished cleaning, she rewarded herself with a hot bath.  Her “sick day” was actually helping her feel much better until she heard knocking on her front door. She grabbed her bathrobe and walked out of the bathroom. When she came to the door and looked through the hole, she saw Jamie. She didn’t want to ruin her day by letting him in.  She was afraid she would get all emotional again after reading his book. She still was struggling to understand that he had written a book based on his feelings about her.

 

She was about to head silently away from the door when he called her phone. Her high ringtone scared her and she squeaked. “Shit,” she thought, realizing she was busted.

 

“Open the door, Claire," Jamie said.

 

"I don’t feel good, Jamie.  Go away," she answered, trying to sound sick.

 

"Open the door," he said again, his voice sounding worried.

 

She sighed again, opened the door, and without looking at him went straight to the couch and sat down. Jamie walked into her apartment and put a large paper bag on the table in front of her.

 

"What’s wrong with ye then? You don’t look sick." 

 

She tried to say something and her silence proved quite quickly that she wasn’t really sick.

 

"What’s going on?" he said, sounding worried again.

 

"Nothing,” she said shortly, annoyed. “One can't lie to her boss and then stay home without reason?”

 

Jamie seemed to relax and smiled. "I bought three different soups for ye, even if ye aren’t sick. They’re all pretty good.”  He sat next to her on the couch next to her.

 

She looked at the clock on the wall.  When she noticed that it was pretty late, she realized he probably had come to her apartment straight from work. With his head on the headrest, he shut his eyes. He really looked tired, she thought.

 

“Have you eaten yet?” she asked him.  Without opening his eyes, he shook his head.  “Well, then, I won’t be able to eat all of this soup by myself!”

 

Jamie got up and retrieved two bowls and two spoons from the kitchen.  Claire noticed that he had bought her favorite, the chicken soup special from Luna’s Kitchen.

 

As they ate, they talked a bit about work but she didn’t tell him about her conversation with John, or that she was no longer seeing him.

 

When Jamie realized how late it was, he said he was going home. "Are ye coming tomorrow?" he asked, stopping at the door.

 

"Yes. I'm feeling better now, thank you.” She gave him a big smile. “See you tomorrow Jamie." 

 

She didn’t dream anything that night and slept better than she had for weeks. The next day, Claire woke up early, feeling rested. She made herself coffee and sat down by her window.  It was still snowing and it was just days away from Christmas. She was going home to her parents to celebrate Christmas Eve, but other then that, she had nothing to do during the holiday.

 

At work everything went as usual. Claire’s mission for the day was to teach the new girl Laoghaire her duties as the new receptionist.

 

Because Laoghaire was younger than Claire, she expected her to be a silly girl.  However, she started to like her well enough after spending time with her. Claire showed her the computer program she had personally coded, specialized for their company.  She was happy with how fast Laoghaire learned.

 

After that she took Laoghaire out for lunch, wanting to show her where all the good places were. They went to a salad bar that she thought had the world's best avocado salad.

 

“Miss Beauchamp, thank you for being so kind to me today," Laoghaire said when they had finished their lunch.

 

"No problem Laoghaire. But please, call me Claire,” she smiled. “You have done very well today! We just need to create an ID card for you and I'll show you where Jamie usually meets the new writers, and then we're done.” 

 

When Claire mentioned Jamie, Laoghaire turned red. "I get so nervous around Mr.Fraser," she said hesitantly.

 

"You don't need to be,  He doesn’t bite. I’ve known him for many years now he is a very good guy" 

 

"So you go way back?" 

 

"Yes we do,” Claire laughed.  “I got to know him my first year at university and when I came back from New York, I started working with him.” 

 

"Aha!  Must be fun to work with your mate," Laoghaire said enthusiastic.

 

"It has its disadvantages as well," Claire said, looking down at her hands. The day before had been just that, one of the many disadvantages.

 

After lunch, Claire left Laoghaire at the front desk alone for the first time, returning to her own desk. She had a few calls to answer and an important one to make.  She turned her body away from Jamie’s office and spoke quietly into the receiver. "Hi. My name is Claire Beauchamp. I'm calling for the job you put out in the newspaper. Is it still available? "

 

When everyone had gone home for the day, Claire stayed. The job she had called about was a position as a secretary at a competing firm. When Jamie had left her apartment the night before, she had thought that maybe she needed to distance herself from him too. If she worked elsewhere, she wouldn’t be able to fall for the temptation called James Fraser.

 

She sat at her desk for a little while, looking out over the office. The time she had worked here had been an experience she never could have imagined. They had built it from scratch and it had finally begun to blossom. And now almost a year later, Jamie was going to hire at least 15 new people and everything was even going so good that all the employees, agents and authors had received a big bonus check for Christmas.

 

She would miss everyone if she quit and she knew it was a downgrade if she changed.  There she would only be a secretary, while here she was Jamie's partner in crime. But after what happened at their Christmas party it was clear that they still had feelings for each other.

  
  


Two days before Christmas, Claire was going to her parents’ house. Her mother Julia had always been her favorite person in the world and her inspiration in life. Julia worked at a hospital as a midwife and her dad Henry was a mechanic who had his own workshop. Her dad had built Claire's first car from scratch and when she was turned 16, it was parked in the driveway, a blue bubble car.

 

When she finally got to her parents' house, the Christmas tree was decorated, her mother had baked, and it smelled like Christmas. She still hadn’t heard a word about the job she had applied for, she had not talked to John and she still hadn’t told Jamie that she had been looking for a new Job. So being at her parents house was a good distraction.

 

But the Christmas weekend ended as fast as it had arrived and New Year's Eve was coming right around the corner. Claire had been invited to a New Year's party at her coworker Mina’s flat and she looked forward to the party. New Year had always been her favorite holiday as a kid because she got to stay up late until midnight to see all fireworks. 

 

New Year’s Eve Claire looked at herself in the mirror. She had just finished doing her makeup, was wearing a really glittery jumpsuit and felt satisfied by her choice of outfit. But she felt that something was missing. After searching for almost twenty minutes, she finally found a necklace that completed her outfit.

 

She had no plans to find anyone, but maybe as the single girl she was, she would find some nice stranger to kiss at midnight.

 

Claire arrived quite late at Mina’s apartment and she was surprised when she saw the size of the apartment she lived in. It was on the top floor and the balcony was huge. There were a lot of people there, everyone drinking and having fun. The music was loud and she searched the apartment after a familiar face.

 

The first one she saw was Jamie, though he seemed to have a date with him, a girl she had never seen her before who was blond and really beautiful. Claire felt she wasn’t ready to meet them, so she went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of champagne instead. She would have to drink a lot more to handle an evening around Jamie and his date, since this was the first time she had seen him with a girl. 

 

Mina danced her way into the kitchen and almost screamed when she saw Claire. She complimented her outfit, hugged her and then excitedly started to introduce Claire to her friends. She stayed with them in the kitchen, but after awhile she still thought it was weird that Jamie didn’t come and say hi to her. She knew he had seen her when she walked into the kitchen.

 

An hour at the party and there was still no Jamie. Finally Claire walked into the living room.  Jamie looked at her, then left the room with his date. Confused by the look he gave her, Claire walked into the room where she saw Jamie go. "Am I invisible? Shouldn’t you introduce us?” she asked, trying to sound polite.

 

"Frida, this is Claire, my secretary." Claire was so shocked by his introduction that she just stretched out her hand and then stared after them stupidly as they proceeded into the apartment. 

 

“Secretary. not my friend...my secretary” She became annoyed that he wouldn’t tell this Frida that she was his friend. She couldn’t understand why he was acting this cold. Everything was fine when they last saw each other right before Christmas.

 

With an hour left to midnight, Claire felt frustrated. Jamie had completely ignored her since they talked last. The combination of the amount of alcohol she had drunk and how irritated she was made her march up to him. In front of everyone, she took his arm and dragged him down the hall, then pushed him into one of the rooms. "What the hell is your problem, Jamie?" she exclaimed.

 

"You tell me!!" Jamie was furious.

 

"You introduced me as your damn secretary?" she said, equally as angry.

 

"Are ye not then?" 

 

"Yes,” she rolled her eyes. “But I thought we were friends first?”

 

"Friends don’t stab each other in the back!” He yelled.  She still didn’t understand what he was talking about. “I had a call a few days ago..congratulations.  Ye got the job at Dragonfly.”

 

He stormed out of the room, leaving behind Claire who remained, completely surprised. "Fuck!” Of course they had called her boss. They must have called Jamie and asked him whether he would recommend her as an employee, which let him know she had applied for the job. 

 

Claire left the room and went back to the kitchen, trying to ignore the guilt she felt for hurting Jamie. She talked to Mina’s friend George, but though she really tried to listen to what he was talking about, all she could focus on was Jamie, who was talking and laughing with his date a few meters away. After awhile she started to lose interest in staying and left the party. 

 

Down at the street, she heard all the people around her, suddenly screaming  _ Happy New Year! _ and then she realized that it was midnight. She was completely alone when she saw the sky lit up by fireworks.

 

Claire called Jamie the next day, but he didn’t answer.

 

**2015**

 

At her first day back at work, Claire walked straight into his office, sat down on the chair opposite him. "I'm sorry I didn’t tell you about interviewing with Dragonfly." She tried her best to sound as sorry as she felt.

 

He said nothing, so she continued talking.

 

"I just thought I needed a new start and that it was best for everyone if I worked elsewhere.”

 

"Best for you, you mean?” He looked as irritated as he had been at the party. “Everything is always about you Claire.  You think your decisions don’t affect anyone else.” 

 

He was right, Claire thought, she was doing it without thinking about his feelings.

 

“But see it from my point of view, understand when they called and told me you wanted to quit. I hadn’t heard anything from you.  The last time I checked things were good between us and we were friends.” She nodded. “After our little meeting at the Christmas party...” he paused and sighed “I’ve accepted that you are seeing John and that you want us to be just friends. I'm dating and have begun to move on. What else do you need me to do?”

 

"Nothing," she whispered, shaking her head.

 

"After all we've gone through, at least I thought ye could have had a keen respect for our friendship and told me you wanted to change jobs."

 

"I know!" Claire was ashamed when she heard it out loud. “I am sorry Jamie. I should have told you.”

 

"If you don’t want to be here anymore, there's the door!" He seemed angry again.

 

"Jamie, I want to be here but ..."

 

"But what, Claire?"

 

"Nothing ... I will tell you what I’ll do at the end of the day." She left the office, went straight to the bathroom and she cried when she sat down. How could he not see that she had just tried to do what she thought was the best thing for them.

 

And If she told him that she wasn’t seeing John anymore, she knew she wouldn’t have the willpower to say no if he wanted her. So it was better if she quit instead.  It might seem selfish, but it was for his sake too. They just weren’t good for each other.

 

The rest of the day flew by. She had decided to quit when she walked into his office, but as soon as she saw him, she couldn’t manage to get the words out.

 

"You know you're one of the most important people in my life Claire.” He said quietly before she managed to talk. “I don’t understand our relationship.  Sometimes we are friends, sometimes we are more and sometimes we are strangers. We have built this business together and my heart breaks that you can’t say you want to leave me." He was calm, but seemed sad now.

 

"Jamie ...." she felt ashamed again.  This wasn’t how she had thought it would go.

 

"If you start to miss me, don’t forget it was you who left." Jamie looked so sad, she could barely meet his eyes.

 

"Do you mean that if I quit, our friendship is over too? " This was definitely not how she had thought it would go.

 

"I'm afraid we'll be one of the couple who miss each other their entire life. And I don’t understand why I’m so afraid to lose you when you're not mine." His words almost killed her. She was just doing what she thought was the best thing for them.

 

"Answer the question, Jamie," she whispered.

 

"Aye, if you quit now, I'm not doing this anymore!"

 

She should have quit, she should have left, but the thought of not having Jamie at all was too hard. His words echoed in her head. "I'm afraid we'll be one of the couples who miss each other their entire life."

 

He was right.  She would miss him for the rest of her life. Her heart wasn’t healed and she shouldn’t want to go on that path again. But when she sat in her apartment she finally gave up, realizing she couldn’t deny it anyone more, she let the tears fall  and said to herself, "You want him, stop lying to yourself." So she picked up the phone and called him.

 

"Hello?" It wasn’t Jamie who answered. Panicked when she heard the female voice, Claire hung up. 

 

Her phone rung a few seconds later.

 

"Claire?" Jamie said.

 

"I accidentally called in my pocket, see you tomorrow." She hung up before he said anything.

 

_ You are so stupid Claire _ , she said to herself.   _ He himself said he was moving on! Let him!!! He's right when he says you're just thinking about yourself.  _  Claire wished she had realized how she felt earlier.

 

Claire went back to work the following day and she tried to act as usual. When she saw Jamie she tried to be nice, but she felt like she was dying on the inside. She would let him be happy and try to get over him again.

 

_ I'm afraid we'll be one of the couples who miss each other their entire life _ echoed in her head again as she continued her day.

 

The days went by and every day was the same. She got up, went to work and went home. It was exhausting to be happy around Jamie, but it was even more difficult to see him go to lunch or go home with Frida. 

 

Frida would sneak into his office in short short dresses with her perfect blonde hair. Jamie had watched John and her when they were dating and Claire would do that too. It was not that she didn’t like Frida, but she didn’t seem to be his kind of girl.

 

One day John called, telling Claire that he had bought an apartment and that he would soon move back home.  She didn’t have the heart to say anything so she let him think that they would talk about being back together when he came back. It was stupid, but she still liked that she had a backup plan.  She still liked John and having her best friend as a boyfriend was always good, even if it was another best friend she really wanted.

 

Her colleagues seemed to notice that something was happening with Claire so when they suggested going out after work at the local pub, she thought it was a good plan.  Claire, Katherine, Mina and the new girl Laura went out after work. After several glasses, Claire began to feel like herself again. She had accepted how her life was and she had amazing colleagues who wanted to make her feel better. Mina, who always was flirty, had picked up two guys at the bar, one for herself and one for Claire. 

 

The two guys, named Martin and Lucas, were out celebrating Lucas's birthday.  Lucas seemed very interested in Claire. “I would love to meet you again Claire, maybe at a restaurant where we can hear each other,”  he said, laughing.

 

They exchanged numbers, but then the boys left and went to another place.  Soon after that, Claire felt that she was satisfied with the evening. "It's work tomorrow.  I don’t want to be too hungover,” she told the other girls. She really needed to go home, she was too drunk. “See you tomorrow,” she laughed, when her coworkers said she was boring and she walked home.

 

Claire was hungover the day after, Every time the phone rang, she thought she would die. She laid her head on the table and tried to rest.

 

"What's with you?" Jamie asked.

 

"Hungover." 

 

"Ah. where was my invitation then?" Jamie answered, laughing.

 

"It was girls only,” Mina replied instead. “Sorry, boss.” Mina’s desk was close to Claire’s.  Claire couldn’t believe she didn’t seemed hungover at all.

 

"What happened to Lucas, then? Has he called yet?" Mina asked her. Claire didn’t look up, but she knew that Jamie was watching her.

  
  
  


**Present.**

 

After John stormed out of their apartment, Claire was completely destroyed. She cried and didn’t know what to do. She had never seen John so angry and was ashamed of hurting him like this. 

 

She had tried to call but he didn’t answer, he just texted her and said that he needed space.  She wanted John to come home so she could explain and tell him everything, not that would make a difference. She hadn’t even told him the whole story and everything was already a mess.

 

Two days later, John came home again,. He found her in the kitchen. “I need you to tell me the truth.  Were you ever with Jamie after the two of us got together when I moved back?" he asked harshly. Claire looked down at the floor and didn’t know what to say.

 

"When was the last time?" She didn’t know if John really wanted to hear it.  She knew she’d rather not tell him.

  
  


**2015**

 

"No, he hasn’t called." Claire replied to Mina., She still didn’t want to look at Jamie.

 

"You can always call him.  Guys like that, you know. Lucas was a  _ catch _ !!" Claire looked up from her desk, glaring at Mina.

 

"Drop it Mina, all I can think about is that I need an aspirin and I’m not sure how to survive through the day."

 

When she looked up at Jamie, he was staring at her. She could not really read his facial expressions, but it seemed to be a mixture between surprise and annoyance. Ill at ease, Claire chose to leave the room. 

 

She walked into the breakroom, but Jamie followed her. "Who is Lucas and what happened to John?" He sounded upset.

 

"Lucas is a guy I met yesterday, and John and I have taken a break." She drank a glass of water, feeling awkward and trying to look at everything except Jamie.

 

"A break?" he said, confused.

 

"Jamie, I don’t want to talk about this now. We’ve taken a break, end of story.” She tried to sound casual. Jamie left the room and her head whispered "Let it be, let him go." 

 

The whole day was torture, with her headache ache getting worse as the day went on.   And as if the day was not bad enough, Frida came. 

 

"Hey Claire, where is Jamie?" Frida was as cheerful as usual.

 

"He's in a meeting, but he should be finished soon,” Claire answered, trying her best to sound polite.

 

"Okay, I’ll just wait here with you.  He’s taking me out for dinner." Frida sat down on one of the chairs in front of her, but Claire just wanted her to leave.

 

"That’s nice,” Claire answered shortly.  She felt angry. This was not a day she had the patience to play nice.

 

"Yes, it will be so romantic!! I can’t wait to see where he will take me.” Frida’s voice made Claire’s headache worse, she made  _ everything  _ worse. It seemed like she would never stop talking, and then Claire exploded.

 

"Can you shut up!!!!! Don’t you see I'm busy? I do not want to hear about your fucking date!!” Claire yelled.  Frida stopped talking in the middle of her sentence and it was that exact moment that Jamie came out from his meeting. Everyone stared at Claire. Jamie walked over to Frida, who was quiet and embarrassed, and they left the office.

  
  


Claire woke up the day after when Jamie called her. "Get dressed and come down,” was all he said.

 

Confused, she put on clothes and went down, where she found Jamie on the sidewalk, next to his car. Claire felt nervous, afraid he would yell at her after her outburst at Frida. 

 

“Jump in," he said.  She was surprised how happy he looked.

 

"Where are we going?" she answered, even more confused.

 

”Do you trust me?" he asked, smiling.

 

"Perhaps..."

 

"Jump in then," he urged her.  When Claire had gotten into the car, they drove away from her street.  When they reached the highway and went further away from the city, Claire felt confused. "Jamie, where are we going? We are going to be late!”

 

"Calm down... ye will see when we get there.” He seemed to be in a good mood, despite Claire's outburst at Frida.

 

“We are going to take a few days off, depending on how long it takes.” 

 

"A few days????? What? No, turn around Jamie.” Claire started to feel like she was being kidnapped.

 

“We have to do this, Claire.” Jamie’s voice was serious and determined, although he smiled over at her.

 

“But I don’t have any clothes with me. I didn’t even bring a jacket.” Jamie sounded way to happy and she couldn’t understand what was happening.

 

"We can stop and buy one. There are still a few things we need.” Claire looked at him, even more confused.  “In the back seat there is a bag with coffee in it if you want.” He was really enjoying her confusion. They drove for two hours until they found a store that had clothes and camping equipment. 

 

Claire didn’t know what to do or where to go, so she followed Jamie, who dropped things in their cart. He bought a tent, sleeping bags, flashlights, kitchen utensils, cooler , little things that were smart to have in the woods, and in the clothing department he added  boots, warm clothes and a jacket for her.

 


	12. Chapter 12

"Are we going camping? Why? Now you’ve got to start talking,” Claire said, but Jamie only laughed.  “I don’t like this at all,” Claire complained. She tried to look upset but when he touched her cheek tenderly, she realized she wasn’t really that upset about being alone with him--just confused.

 

"I'm tired of not understanding you,” Jamie said.  “Our communication sucks. I need to get away and talk to you without anything interrupting us.  I'll tie you to a tree if needed." He laughed again.

 

"But do you have to drag me out into the woods? Normal people just tell each other they want to talk ...” 

 

"I admit, it’s  spontaneous, but don’t you like an adventure?  It's going to be fun.” Jamie seemed enthusiastic but Claire rolled her eyes.  She really hated camping. 

 

“Besides,” Jamie added, “if I had said that we needed to talk, you would probably have avoided me anyway.”

 

He was right.  She had probably avoided talking to him.  Now, the thought of sitting somewhere in the middle of the forest with him alone made her feel a little stressed. How was she going to ignore how she was feeling for him if they were alone in the woods together?

 

"Claire?" Jamie said, interrupting her thoughts.

 

"Yes?"

 

"You needn't be scared of me, I just want to sit down and have a real conversation that hopefully does not end with you screaming at me or throwing me in the lake.  And maybe we can solve a few things."

 

"Okay,” Claire agreed.  “But I can’t promise you about the lake." She started relaxing as she helped him pack everything in the car. She reminded herself that he was still dating Frida and they were just friends who were going camping together. It sounded weird when she thought about it.

 

They didn’t say much in the car, as if they were saving their voices for later. Claire looked out of the window.  It was nice outside and the snow had almost disappeared. Though there was still a chill to the air, it was warm enough that they would survive for a night or two out in nature.  At least Claire hoped they would..

 

They parked the car and after putting on their backpacks they walked along the everlasting trail. The trees here were more densely populated, the ground was rocky and the bushes resembled a maze. It had begun to get darker and they needed to find a place to camp soon. Claire was tired and every step she took was exhausting.  She wanted to curse at Jamie for making her do this, but shut her mouth and swore on the inside instead.

 

When they reached a reasonably flat ground surface by the water, not much less rocky than the ground about it, Claire felt completely done. "It's too late now, but remind me to start training when we get home," she said, dropping her backpack and almost collapsing on the ground.

 

"I'm going to set up the tent before it's too dark.  Can you start a fire?" Jamie asked.

 

"In a while.  When I can get up from the ground."

 

Claire might hate camping, but she had done it over the years with her parents and hoped she still could start a fire without completely making a fool of herself.

 

When Jamie was finished, the tent looked welcoming in front of them.  They put in the mattresses and their sleeping bags. Claire was grateful that Jamie had bought two single sleeping bags, though the thought of his body heat didn’t sound so bad either. 

 

"Focus, Claire," she scolded herself, her thoughts interrupted by the rain dropping down on her face. Just as they stepped into the tent, it started to drizzle, but soon it started to pour. The rain that splattered on the roof of the tent was a good distraction to listen to.  Claire was still nervous because she wasn’t sure what Jamie wanted to talk about.

 

After their cold dinner, both of them were so tired that they chose to go to bed, though they still hadn’t talked about anything special. Both of them had changed out of their clothes awkwardly in the small space in the tent, Claire kept her sweater on while Jamie warm blooded as he was just had his boxers. 

 

Claire stayed awake awhile after Jamie fell asleep. Despite the rain she could hear him exhale.  In the darkness she turned to him, thinking of his red hair, his soft lips and his beautiful eyes. Would she ever experience it again? Caress that hair, kiss those lips and admire his beautiful blue eyes? She fell asleep and dreamt of different shades of red.

 

Claire woke up sometime during the night, freezing so much she almost was shaking.  She crawled out of her sleeping bag and sat with her arms around her, looking at him. 

 

She considered what to do, Finally she crawled over to his mattress and asked him to scoot over.

 

"What are you doing?" he asked, confused.

 

"It's cold. I'm freezing," she whispered, slipping into his sleeping bag with her back against him.

 

"Do you think?" he said nervously in lack of anything else to say.

 

"Mhm,I think I feel much warmer now" 

 

It was still raining the same as before, but the sound seemed extra clear now with nothing special to focus on in the dark.

 

"Can I hold you?" Jamie whispered.

 

"Yes," Claire answered.  She knew that she shouldn’t have done it but she was cold.

 

"Claire?" Jamie whispered again.

 

"Mm?"

 

"Can you turn around?"

 

"Why?" she said after a while.

 

"I want to look at you."

 

"But you can’t see anything in the dark?" she questioned, turning over part way.

 

"Please." 

 

She turned over, her heart beating fast. They couldn’t see each other but being this close to him made her relax. However, they didn’t talk and they fell asleep face to face.

 

Claire woke up at dawn to sun shining on the walls and ceiling of the tent. She got up, looked at Jamie who was still sleeping and walked out through the tent entrance. The ground outside was damp and the air was cool. She looked around, amazed at the place they had chosen. It had felt like a bad idea a few hours ago, but now she was slowly started to change her mind.  She did regret sleeping next to Jamie. He was dating Frida and she was yet again just thinking of herself.

 

Claire found a small path winding down between the bushes and the tree trunks, She followed it and arrived at a little different part of the river. Here she could wash herself later when it was a bit warmer, she thought. Claire walked behind a bush and pulled down her pants to pee. 

 

Suddenly she heard a sound in the bush on the other side of the lake. She interrupted her needs and searched her eyes just to see a deer hiding before her.

 

Almost reluctantly, she continued to pee while she knew the deer observing her. Claire blushed while trying to pull her shirt over her hips to hide the bare skin that felt warm against her fingers in the cool morning air. When she finished, she stood up and looked with wrinkled eyebrows on the little deer in the bush as she rounded the bush and the followed the same path back to the tent. 

 

She tried to use the tools Jamie had bought to make coffee after she had started the fire again.  She sat by the water and drank her coffee. Eventually, she heard the zipper on the tent and Jamie got out and she poured coffee for him. They drank in silence , enjoying the view. When Claire sat at the edge of the water and washed their cups, Jamie told her that they would walk up the mountain. "You're crazy! I barely got here from the car. "

 

"I'll help you, come on!" he gave her his famous lopsided smile and she caved.

 

It took exactly 87 minutes for them to climb up the mountain. Claire counted every step and nearly fainted, but Jamie held her hand all the way up and dragged her when she slowed down. When they finally reached the summit, he brought out a blanket and food from his backpack. "You know my goal with this hike up the mountain was so you'd get so tired so you wouldn't have the energy to think of any lies so we can talk properly."

 

"If that was your goal then you've succeeded... I hardly know my own name," she answered, nearly throwing herself on the ground.

 

"Okay, start by telling me about John." Jamie said as he sat down next to her on the blanket.

 

"Not so much to say ... I wasn't interested in a long-distance relationship so he said we could talk about it again when he moved back." She tried to look at the pattern on the blanket, feeling nervous that he had chosen this conversation to begin with.

 

"Okay, so when he moves back then? Will you be together again? " he asked a bit awkwardly.

 

"I don’t know ... I was planning to be alone for awhile."

 

"So Lucas is what you call alone time?" 

 

"Lucas was a random guy in a bar, Jamie. Nothing happened and nothing is going to happen." Claire laughed.  Jamie seemed to relax at bit.

 

"Hmm."

 

"And you? What happened to Frida after my small outburst?"

 

"Yes? Well my goal for that night was to tell her we should stop seeing each other.” Claire's heart began to beat fast at Jamie's words. “So it did not start very well when she started crying because of you."

 

"How did it end, then?" Claire almost held her breath.

 

"I said I could not see her anymore because I loved someone else," Jamie said quietly. "When I heard about  you and John, I couldn’t think of anything else."

 

"Jamie, we have tried this and we two together have just been destructive." Claire couldn’t understand why she said it. Being with Jamie was what she wanted.

 

"Claire, I only have a question." 

 

She nodded and waited for him to continue.

 

"I hope you know that every time I tell you to get home safe, stay warm, have a good day, or sleep well, what I'm really saying is I love you.” 

 

All she could think about was that she felt the same; she didn’t want to pretend anymore. 

 

“I love you so damn much that it is starting to steal other words' meanings. Do you love me the same way?” 

 

It was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard.  

 

"Yes."

 

"So if you love me, let’s be together! Why should we continue like this? I'll spend every day of my life if it's necessary to show that you can trust me." 

 

Jamie's words were everything she had wanted, but when she thought of it, all the doubts and disadvantages came into her mind.

 

"All I ask is that you think about it, please!" Jamie begged, taking her hand and kissing it. 

 

But then Claire started to think about other people. "But there are so many things and people in between us who will get hurt or could hurt us. John will be completely destroyed, and we work together and I can imagine that _Geneva_ will not be pleased.”

 

"Geneva?" he looked like he couldn’t understand what she was saying

 

"She came to me at the Christmas party.  She told me you were  _ hers... _ " Claire looked at their joined hands.

 

"I'm not and never been hers. I promised you honesty and I'll give you that...” He looked skeptical about what he was going to say. “I was with her in November and before that it was at least one year before. I was out with Harry and they clearly knew each other so she was there. I had a bad night and went home with her. It meant nothing to me but apparently something for her. I know nothing excuses my behavior, but she means nothing to me.

 

"November...?” She started to count how long ago it was and was irritated again. “It’s February, Jamie. How can you still be sleeping with her? How can you sit here and say that you love me, but you're still sleeping with the thing that broke us,” she said.  Angry all over again, she took her hand away. “How can you expect me to forgive and choose you when you can’t leave her? It really feels like you have feelings for her, whether or not you seem to realize it yourself.” 

 

"I have no feelings for her.  She’s just been a substitute. You've done the same thing with John ...”

 

"No, I have not!!!!! I have not been with John to replace you.” Claire knew that he was partly right but that just made her more angry. “Maybe at first I tried to get over you by dating him,” she explained.  “But he saved me and if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t even be here. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DESTROYED ME!!” She yelled at Jamie as she got up from the ground and began to stride down the mountain, cursing all the way. 

 

She couldn’t believe that Jamie had the nerve to compare her relationship with John to his relationship with Geneva, that disgusting witch. She started going faster so Jamie wouldn’t catch up with her but with his legs, it didn’t take long before he was walking next to her. 

 

"Claire can you j...?" he started.

 

"Stop talking, Jamie.  You can drive me home now."

 

"No, I said we have to talk!!" he grabbed her hand, trying to stop her from walking away.

 

"What more is there to say, Jamie?"

 

"You just said up there that you love me, how can that not be enough ?? How can you choose to spend the rest of your life like this?” He raised his voice and shook his head. “ I know I can’t.” He looked pleadingly at her.

 

“I need you to pick me this time, pick  _ us _ ." He knelt down in front of her and he started to cry.

 

There in the middle of the woods with Jamie crying at her feet she wished she was everywhere except there. Seeing him crying like this just made her cry and she fell down on her knees. They sat there in each other's arms until they were out of tears and then walked back to the tent in silence. Claire was still not convinced that they should be together but God, she wanted it anyway.  All her instincts screamed no but her heart shouted yes.

 

Jamie convinced her to stay one more night as they got back to their tent. They grilled their dinner and finished by roasting marshmallows over the fire. She had begun laughing for the first time when all of his marshmallows started to burn and he vainly tried again. She felt like a child at summer camp and they still managed to get a nice ending in that evening. 

 

"Claire,” Jamie said when they had stopped laughing.  “I can sit here pretending that being your friend is enough, but In the end.  I don’t want to."

 

She interrupted him, asking something she had never talked about before. "Tell me about your book, Jamie."

 

"Have you read it?"

 

"I finished it after your interview with the magazine."

 

"I wrote it about you,” he said, smiling.  “About us and how I felt when you went to Australia.” His smiled disappeared when he said it.

 

"Did you really sit on that bench every day after I left?"

 

"Every day for almost a year. It started with me hoping you would come back ... but it became like a sacred place.  I repeatedly came back there. That’s where I finished the book. "

 

"I didn’t know you were waiting for me .. I thought...  _ never mind. _ .. why the title ‘Sassenach’?"

 

"Sassenach means stranger, foreigner in my family's old language. I've always felt you didn’t fit in here, like you were destined to be out traveling around the world.  When you were in Australia you were  **_a_ ** sassenach but for me you were  **_my_ ** sassenach. "

 

"It was a pretty sad in the end that she died and he was left behind. But he continued to sit on the bench every day anyway," she said.

 

"I never thought you'd come back. That I would be meant to wait for you forever.” Jamie looked so sad that she wanted to go over to him. “I would do that you know .. wait for you till the day I die and then ask for forgiveness in the next world," he said.  Claire didn’t think, she just threw herself into his arms. 

 

"Can I kiss you?" he whispered after a while. Claire slowly pulled her head from his chest and kissed him. Jamie opened his lips to her. To his delight, she answered the kiss. It was longer than either had planned, so long they both were out of breath.

 

They looked at each other and started kissing again.  After a while Claire felt his hand moving closer to her breasts.  She laughed when she heard him sigh. With all the thick fabrics between them and the fact that it was way too cold to get undressed outside, he picked her up in his arms and carried her in to the tent. 

 

He took her jacket off, almost desperately in his need to get to her skin and body below.  Claire drew a deep sigh as she felt his hand against her skin. Jamie continued to stroke the bare skin of her abdomen between her bra and jeans, she still wore before daring to approach the latter. 

 

As carefully and methodically as he had first approached her breasts, he began to slip his hand under her pants. When his fingertips had just reached her panties, she took his hand and gently pulled it up to her stomach again. At she did, she saw Jamie's disappointment on his face, and she felt stupid to let him come so close and then interrupt him. 

 

When the kiss ended, the silence was almost painful, but Claire didn’t speak.  Her conscience took over and she felt that she would save the situation before the mood had been completely destroyed.  She knew if she stayed quiet it would be a confirmation that she was willing to try again.

  
  


Then she started to pull on Jamie's belt. Now it was his breath that clearly changed rhythm, and when she had trouble with the belt, he eagerly helped her. The belt came off, followed by the buttons. Claire felt her fingertips touching his underwear, She did not have to lower her hand much to bump into something firm. 

 

Her heart trembled in her chest as she slowly let her fingers slowly follow the long hardness. Jamie breathed in with pleasure, pulled his pants down a bit. Then she moved her hand again and went inside the waistband of his underwear. 

 

She carefully took him in her hand, gripping him gently. When she started to move her hand, Jamie reacted with a slight shiver in his legs and moaned. He didn’t touch her, probably because he didn’t know how far she wanted to go. 

 

Even though she knew what would happen soon, she didn’t want to rush it. She released her hand and sat up.  Confused, he looked at her; then she smiled and bent down.

 

His tip was resting against her lips, when Claire stretched out her tongue and licked gently. She felt no taste when she gently let her tongue move over the top. Then she bent down her head and let him penetrate between her lips.

 

Jamie was now on the verge of coming.  “Claire, you need to stop,” he said sounding out of breath. Claire sent up her free hand to put a finger on his mouth while she engulfed him in her mouth again. This time he closed his mouth and took a deep breath through his nose instead. When he said he was too close, Jamie abruptly sat up and then he took her hand, kissed it and gently lay her on her back on the mattress.

 

Claire felt dazed by the whole situation and let it happen. She watched what would soon be as if it were fate. It was their time now. And she couldn’t say she was ready but it would never have been a better opportunity for them to be together. She had a moment of confusion, wondering if they should, but then she considered:  maybe it is that the longer you go, the harder it would be to decide what is the right time. 

 

It was not without great nervousness that she let it happen, but Claire helped Jamie pull down her pants and then her pink panties. They both breathed so loudly that in their little world they managed to shut out the sound of the rain that had begun to fall around them. 

 

When Jamie entered her,  she felt something she had never felt before: a closed void inside her that was filled for the first time.

 

Although Jamie led her with his slow hip movements, she couldn’t help pushing her pelvis upwards to get him deeper. 

 

As he changed his speed and fucked her harder, Jamie's breath changed as well.  The sensation was stronger, almost painful. Claire started to moan, but she put her hands on his ass, pressing him closer. 

 

With each thrust, Jamie pushed deeper inside her. And  something amazing started to happen. She felt a tingling feeling that almost exploded inside her. “Jamie,” was the only thing she could say as her orgasm made her legs shake.

 

He slowed down and kissed her. She looked at him, confused, when he stopped all together. 

 

“What are you doing? Claire asked.

 

“I just needed to look at you,” he said, his voice almost a whisper.

 

She dragged him down so she could reach his lips. She started to move under him, placed her hands back on his ass, to make him move. 

 

He continued to move slowly, looking into her eyes.  The intensity was almost too much and when he came, he almost screamed when he said her name.

 

He climbed off and laid his head near hers.  She could see that he was smiling. She answered the smile and she braided her fingers with his, then she quoted his last words from his book.

 

“I choose you. And I'll choose you over and over and over. Without a break, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing _you_. "

 


	13. Chapter 13

2015 (February)

 

The sun shone through  the trees onto their quaint tent,  lighting on the dew drops that had fallen in the cold night , but in their sleeping bag they were together. 

 

Claire had said yes, she was willing to try again. She was terrified, but in the tent in his arms it felt right. How unlucky  could one couple be? They had loved each other at a distance for years, both unable to move on. It was their time.

 

"Jamie, I want to be with you, but I'm not ready to tell to the world yet . I need to figure out how to tell John  about  this and I want to keep a professional relationship at work.” 

 

That  Claire  yet again wanted to keep their relationships a secret made Jamie  sad. She could see it in his eyes. “But mark my words James Fraser, this time it's you and me ... no one else!” She pointed her finger at him and he started to smile again.

 

"Aye Sassenach! You and I. I promise to do my best  to stay professional  at work.” He  grinned and smacked her ass.

 

"Haha, " Claire responded. "I have to say it's a bit kinky to be sleeping with the boss.”

 

"Aye??” Jamie answered ,  wiggl ing his eyebrows suggestively. “Perhaps I 'll ll have to order overtime and have ye naked in my office and use my benefits as boss then.”  H e kissed her neck and began to tickle her .

 

"Nooo. We cannot have sex in your office again. People will hear us."

 

"Aye Sassenach, it's never been your specialty to be quiet.  The little screams ye make when you come are the best I've ever heard.”  Jamie laughed.

 

"Haha, I do not scream." 

 

"Come here and we'll see  which sounds  you don't make," Jamie  put his hand between her legs , and in just a few minutes he had succeeded in making her scream .

 

Later that day, Claire reluctantly agreed to pack up the tent and go home.  She had felt protected in the woods; she wasn't ready to go home. But they had missed two days of work already and needed to catch up on the work they had missed.

 

In the car on their way back to society they held hands; Jamie couldn’t stop smiling. They stopped at a little diner by the road.  They were probably as dirty as the diner after two days in the woods. As they ate their lunch, Jamie surprised her when he started to asked her about John. "Do ye love John?" he said, looking sadly at her.

 

"Well...yes” Claire said.  She could tell that he didn’t like her answer. “We have gone through a lot together.”

 

"Yes, but do you love him as you love me or as a friend ? ” 

 

"I don’t know. I'm not going to lie and say that our relationship has been 'friendly.' We've been together like a couple.” 

 

He definitely didn’t like  that   answer and she felt that this whole conversation was a bad idea. “But no, I do not love him as I love you."

 

"John and I have always been best friends but when ye went to Australia, I didn't know what to do so I pulled away from everything, especially John. He tried to get me out and called me to see what I was up to,” Jamie explained. This was the first time they had talked about the time when she left for real.

 

"What did you say to John then? He must have known that something happened .   He never talked about  what was going on? ..” she asked curiously.

 

"No, I didn ' t say much except that we were no longer friends .  He didn't mention ye either after that. But he didn’t understand what you meant to me and probably never put  two and two  together, that my behavior back then was because of ye." His accent changed as he talked, like he was t o o emotion al to control it.

 

"I don ' t know how to tell him. It feels like a betrayal.” Talking about John brought Claire back to reality and she felt sad about hurting him.

 

"We do not have to tell him anything except that we have started seeing each other now," he suggested.

 

"As if it that sounds better ..."

 

"No, I know  it may hurt him  but in time maybe he can accept it and forgive us."

 

The last  part of the  ride home, Claire felt a little more relaxed .   Jamie had convinced her that everything was going to be fine  so she looked forward to coming home. Jamie  dropped her off   and then went home to his place.  Of course, then he called her and t hey talked on the phone all night . Claire felt happier than she had for several months, even years. They whispered words of love  to each other until they  couldn't hold their phones anymore , almost as if they were falling asleep in each others arms.

 

Back at work, no one asked where they'd been .  Jamie had already said they  would be at a  work meeting out of town. 

 

"Why  are  you so happy today?" Mina  asked, looking at Claire curiously with a smile.

 

"What? " Claire answered nervously.  " I’m like I always am , aren't I?"

 

"No, something is  definitely  different .... oh, have you met Lucas again?" Mina said , seeming s uper excited.

 

"No, I  haven't talked to Lucas and  I don't plan to do it ,  either , "  s he answered  with a sig h .

 

"You are so boring !!! Can’t we go out again this week?"

 

"Absolutely , " she answere d, continu ing with her work and smil ing  when she looked up and saw Jamie sitting in his office, texting her.

 

-Meet me in the toilet in 10 minutes.

 

-Are you mad?

 

Claire looked at him through the glass skeptically .  H e gave her his best impression of James Fraser the  _ boss _ and  looked down  at his phone again. Then she got another message. 

 

-You don’t say no to you r  boss.

 

Jamie left his office without looking at her; she knew exactly where he was going. She waited exactly 3 minutes before she rushed to the toilets, feeling so aroused she was wet before she even got there.

 

It was a large bathroom with five toilet cubicles. She didn’t know which he was in and did not dare to whisper his name. Claire was just about to pick up her phone when he opened the one in the middle and pulled her inside. She fumbled off her pants, turning to  lock the door while he was pulling down his own. 

 

He pushed her toward the door and knelt down before her , slowly pull ing  off her panties, She felt a certain sense of power with him on his knees, so she pushed his head against her, both her hands in his hair. He didn’t protest, just started with a kiss and she shivered when she felt his tongue. 

 

When Jamies' tongue circulated and explored her she got overwhelmed by the sensation, taking a rougher grip on his head and pushing him even closer.  When he slipped a finger inside her, she had to release one of her hands from his hair and place it over her own mouth to keep herself from screaming. 

 

When she began to feel her orgasm building up, she pushed him away and said , almost breathless ly, "Take. Me. Hard.  _ Now _ .”  She didn’t wait for him to answer but  turned around facing the door and waited. 

 

He pushed inside of her, hard , w ith one hand placed on her hip,  and  his other hand  gripping her hair. Each  powerful  thrust almost made her fall over .  Being   dominated like this  was almost t o o much but she felt crazy  with desire. “Harder Jamie , ”  she urged, as he   fucked her for everything he was worth.

 

Suddenly, they heard someone come inside the bathroom. They froze as the person walked into the toilet next door to theirs. They stood still, praying not to be discovered. Claire dared scarcely to even breathe, but this whole situation was so arousing. Jamie  released her hair and pulled out his cock, sitting down on the toilet seat and making a motion with his finger for her to come to him.

 

Now it was up to her .  I f she made a sound they would be discovered by the person in the   room next door. Claire sat down on top of him,  and taking him inside again she slowly rode him  as his grip on her buttocks became harder. 

 

The toilet next to them flushed and  she paused.  The door opened and the person walked away.

 

" Faster Claire," Jamie whispered . His words alone nearly made her come right there. She increased her speed, Jamie’s hands still on her ass, helping her. “ _ Claire _ ” he moaned, she could see that he was close And she kissed him, making her own sounds into his mouth, she pressed her head against his as she came, Claire didn’t make a sound and she didn’t have to, Jamie knew her body too well and he took one last hard push and she felt how he came inside her. They sat on the toilet-seat, both out of breath and Jamie kissed her again.

 

After they cleaned up, Claire left the bathroom first and  went straight back to her desk, feeling flushed. When Jamie came out a moment later, she couldn’t stop smiling when she looked at him. 

 

**March**

  
  


The following days they were very discreet. Work was always hectic when it was time for the book fair, so there were no more sexual meetings in the toilet. But when the door was shut and the blinds were down in Jamie's office, there were many kisses between them when they were supposed to be going through book fair plans. 

 

One evening when nearly all the staff had left, Jamie and Claire sat in Jamie’s office, he was working and she was just keeping him company. 

 

“Claire I need to make a phone call , ” Jamie said  as he stopped kissing her. 

 

“Do it then , ” Claire answered , but  she d idn’t get off his lap.

 

“I canna concentrate i f  ye are sitting on me.” 

 

“Fine.”  Claire got up and looked   through the closed blinds . Ev eryone had gone home for the day,  so  there was no one left except them. 

 

As  Jamie took up his phone and  placed it against his ear Claire had an idea. She lo c ked the door just in case and moved slowly  toward Jamie. He looked  up from his conversation, surprised when she got  d own on her knees in front of him. He shook his head and continued to talk in to the receiver , but still didn’t take his eyes o f f her. 

 

Even though he had shaken his head, she felt that his body absolutely was saying yes. He was _hard_. 

 

“Mr .  Dillon, we have to rebook your meeting.” Jamie said to the man  o n the phone as Claire unbuckled his pants, igno ring  Jamie 's hands trying \-- but not  _ really _ trying \-- to stop her. 

 

His eyes and the hard evidence in her hand  were all confirmation she needed. Jamie looked down  at her , almost gas ping when she took his cock in her mouth. 

 

She looked up and saw that his eyes  were  completely shut. He needed to take his phone away from his  mouth as  his  heavy breathing was t o o obvious . H e  put his mic on mute. “Claire. . . you need to stop , ”  h e moaned  but  he didn’t sound that convincing .  She could tell  that he  didn't  want her to stop, so she didn’t , rewarded when he place d  his hand lightly on her head, not really pressing but  encouraging her. She took him deeper down her throat and almost choked.

 

When his leg started to  twitch and she felt that he was close, she hear Mr Dillon ' s voice distantly   from Jamie ' s phone. Her actions had made him forget all about his call .  

 

Jami e unmuted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” Jamie really tried to sound like nothing was happening and if she could have, she would have smiled. Jamie continued talking , though Clair e wished he could hear what he was saying  because he  wasn't   make any sense at all, to o distracted by looking down at her instead of concentrating on his call. 

 

Suddenly Claire got a new idea and released him from her mouth . Get t ing up from the floor, she smiled when he looked disappointed ly at her but then just surprised when she climbed up on his desk. She rolled her skirt up and spread her legs wide open for him to see that she wasn’t wearing any panties. 

 

He lifted his free hand, reaching out to touch her, but she shook her head. When she started to touch herself he muted his phone again. “Oh god, Claire,” He groaned, watching her hand, mesmerized.

 

“If I were you, I would finish that call before I’m finished , ”  s he smiled  as he unmuted his phone.

 

Jamie tried, he desperately t rie d to end the conversation but Mr Dillon wouldn’t stop talking. Claire wanted to laugh at Jamie ' s irritated look when Mr Dillon went on and on.

 

When she felt she was close, she made a  small sound,  though  she could hold back her moaning. Jamie almost looked like he was going mad . Ea ch time she whimpered he looked  more and more stressed . Suddenly Jamie threw his phone away and got up from his chair. He moved her hands and pulled her closer. 

 

“What about Mr Dillon ? ” Claire  asked, play ing innocent.

 

“The hell with him, I need to have ye now , ” Jamie said . T he phone started to ring again  but Jamie ignored it , gasping with pleasure as he joined with her once more.

  
  
  
  
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have lost my inspiration, this story needs to end so I’m going to post all they chapters I have . It’s still not as good as I had wanted it too. But I don’t have the time or energy to keep this story alive. The grammatical errors are still there, I haven’t rewritten it. So here is the rest!

2015 - March

Jamie had slept with at Claire’s house almost every night ever since they came home from their camping. It was a lot of takeouts and they stayed mostly at home but Jamie really wanted take her out. To feel like they were a real couple.

"Claire, I'd love to go out and eat today! If anyone seen us, they will just think that we are two friends eating dinner? I'm tired of hiding.” Jamie said when they came home after work.

"We are not hiding." Claire answered but she knew that they kind of did.

"You almost threw yourself on the floor when we saw at Lawrence in the store." Jamie said and laughed.

"I did not... As soon as I've talked to John, we can tell everyone."

"But you know you can always just call him..."

"I know Jamie, but I'd rather meet him in person and tell him."

"Take your time but it feels like you're just stalling.” He started to sound irritated. “I was thinking of going home, shower and get more clothes” Jamie said, he kissed her and then he went home to his apartment.

Claire thought about what Jamie had said, she didn’t mean to stall the conversation with John, but she were afraid, to break his heart. It was only three months until John moved back, it was not that long? They could keep it secret until then. But Jamie were right, of course they should go out and have dinner, Claire called Jamie and told him to pick her up after he was done.

Jamie picked her up at 8 and they drove to a sushi resturang.. Their dinner started well, all the tension was gone and their conversation about John was over, she thought.

"Is there a reason ye do not want to tell John about us?" Jamie said, he sounded calm.

"No, I just do not want to hurt his feelings.”

"It feels like you're testing me Claire...” Jamie said and he sounded upset all over again “And that you are stalling this whole thing so if I mess up again, you have something to fall back to."

"Jamie.” Claire took his hand to try to reassure him “I love you and want to be with you.” She tried to sound convincing, but somehow when she heard him say it she was afraid that he maybe were right.

"I canna let this feeling go, like ye are about to run away again."

"Don’t give me a reason to do that and I will stay here.” His grumpy mood made her irritated and she got defensive. “I have no thoughts or hidden motives to wait to tell John, we have our whole life in front of us to be together. Why are you doing this?” She heard herself and realized that she was speaking the truth, she maybe was stalling, but Jamie was the one she wanted.

Jamie sighed and dragged his hand through his hair. "I talked to John today."He said, sounding more calm then before but still looked upset.

"Okey, what did you say then?"

"Not much, he wondered if I could get the keys to his new apartment and ..."

"And what?" she asked and felt worried.

"He talked about you, how he longed for you and he said he loved you.” Claire felt bad for Jamie, that he was forced to lie and listen to John talk about her.

“ I almost threw the phone into the wall, I feel like the worst man on earth Claire. I’m going behind Johns back and then I have to listen to him when he talks about ye and I'm getting crazy here. He is my best friend, but I would sacrifice everything and more to be with ye. "Jamie was furious and people started to look when he raised his voice.

"I don’t know what to say Jamie, it's all over soon, just a few weeks. I think two days at the book fair might help. You and me in a hotel room. Please don’t be mad.”

"Just because you try to distract me with sex and room service, It doesn’t take away how I’m feeling Claire.

Jamie wanted to sleep at his place that day, he was too upset and needed to be by himself and Claire had gone home alone. The bed felt too big and she missed him, but she wanted to give him space. For years she had known Jamie, They were either friends, or they had their passionate nights in between or they had hated each other. But this Jamie was new, the boyfriend Jamie who openly expressed his insecurity. Claire felt like an idiot for putting him in this position and she needed somehow assure him that she was his.

  
The weekend came, Claire and Jamie were on their way to the book fair, the same book fair they last where unhappy lovers, but this time they were finally together. They had chosen 5 writers who had shown the most potential and Jamie seemed to feel much better when they sat in the car.

They arrived late the day before the fair would start and the authors they had chose, was coming the following day. Now that the company went well, they had the money to rent chaffers who drove them, the last time Jamie had rented a car and drove himself.

Claire woke up with headache and mild nausea, still early so she tried to fall asleep again, but she felt that weird felling throughout her body and it wouldn’t go away. She was laying under the thin sheet and started to sweat and a wave of nausea came over her and she ran to the bathroom and Yesterday's dinner came out. Claire went over to the washbasin and drank water to get rid of the bad aftertaste. "Must I have been something I ate," she thought, and went back out to Jamie who was sitting worried on the bed.

“How are you?”

“It’s probably something i ate.” Claire said and started thinking what she had ate that could cause her to react like this.

“Maybe you should stay and rest here today? And if your feeling better you can join us tomorrow." He said and Claire agreed that it was best for her to stay in their room. But two hours after Jamie had left Claire was already bored. Her nausea had gone away and she had taken a shower to freshen up but she began to feel restless, She decided to go outside for a walk.

Spring was really starting to blossoming even though it was early March and it was nice outside, Her nausea didn’t seem to come back and Claire was feeling much better. She stayed in a park she had walked past, sat down on one of the benches and she called her mother, the only one who knew about her and Jamie.

"Hi, Carebear! I was just about to call you. Me and your dad were going to invite you guys to dinner next week how does that sound? " Her mother said cheerfull.

“That’s sound great, we’ll love to come mum. Jamie have been feeling a bit low lately.”

“Oh. Why?”

“I haven’t called John yet.” Claire said low.

“Claire.. you really need to tell John, you can’t avoid it anymore, the longer you wait..”

“I know mum, but.. when I say it.” Claire couldn’t really explain it. “ I will lose him.”

“Are you sure you want to be with Jamie?” Her mother said.

“I am, but I’m not ready to lose John as a friend.”

“I see. Carebear I think you need to face the consequences and just deal with it. I’m sorry but you need to pick who’s feelings matter the most, Jamies or Johns?”

Claire continued talking with her mother for over an hour and when they hung up Claire started to walk back to the hotel. Her mother was right, she needed to tell John, soon. At the hotel, Down in the lobby Claire saw a familiar face, but what shocked her the most was when she turned around.“she is pregnant” Claire whispered and she couldn’t breath.

Back in their hotelroom Claire was freaking out. “Geneva is pregnant and she looked VERY pregnant too !! "Claire went back and forth in the hotel room and was completely hysterical. She had been sitting alone for a while in the lobby completely unable to move after she saw Geneva, relived that Geneva never saw her. All she did was try to figure out what month she could be in. Could the child been made in November? Could the child be Jamies? If it were Jamies, what would happen then? Become a stepmother to Geneva's child? All the questions that circulated in her brain made her nauseous again. And she started to cry.

When Jamie finally returned after his long day at the fair, Claire was sitting in a chair at the window with her legs pulled up. She must have looked completely awful becuse he rushed over to her. "How are you?" Jamies said and looked really worried.

"Guess who's pregnant!" Claire said and her heart broke when his first reaction was to smile, the biggest smile she ever had seen on him.

"Truly? Are ye pregnant Claire? Is that why ye were sick this morning? This is amazing news!"

"No Jamie ... I saw Geneva down in the lobby she's pregnant .." His face quickly changed to irritation. "Poor man who got her on knocked up."

"I'm absolutely sure that the poor man is you Jamie ... you said you had sex in November, it's March now and based on the size of her stomach it seems to be pretty good match."She said and he seemed to be in shock, because he did not say a word.

"You maybe should call her and ask who's the father?"

"And if it’s mine? What happens then? "His voice was hoarse, low and he looked terrified at her.

"I can not live in a world where I have to co-exist at the same time as her in your life. I can not share the dream I have for us with her. I want to be the only mother to your children.” Claire answered and shook her head. She had thought about exactly that, the entire day. She couldn’t.

"I only want ye to be the mother of my children but if the child is mine..” he said and looked at her and started to shake his head. “I canna ignore it." She didn’t expect him to say it and she got angry.

"Seems like we've reached a crossroad... either the child is not yours and we're done with Geneva for good or it's yours and that's the end for us." And when she said it she wanted to cry, but she was out of tears.

"I can not live without ye!" Jamie said and sat down at in front of the chair she was sitting at.

"You know... I thought for a while today that I was pregnant and after I saw Geneva.” She closed her eyes, apparently the tears wasn’t out and she started to cry. “I bought a test and it was negative. I hoped to be pregnant so I could have something to bargain with so you would choose me..”

"You know that I would always choose you” He looked at her and looked even more terrified over what he was about to say. “But to go a lifetime and know that there is a child out there who is mine and not knowing how it looks or how it feels, I do not know if I can handle that. Please Claire say you understand.” He pleaded.

"I can’t ."

"But we do not know anything yet, let's not take anything in advance until I've talked to Geneva. It feels like she would have told me if it was mine. It might as well be someone else's.” She didn’t know if he was trying to convince her or himself.

“Let's go to sleep you look as done as I do. Let me hold you Sassenach.” She had cried herself to sleep in his arms while he whispered comforting words in Gaelic.

Jamie had called Geneva the following day but her number had been disconnected. He even called and asked Harry but he had no idea where she was, and when he went searching for her address, it was like she did not exist. She was gone. Claire felt a little guilty that she was so relieved that nobody seemed to know anything about Geneva's condition or where she was. The weekend ended and they went home again, they spoke nothing more about Geneva, there was no meaning to look for someone who probably didn’t want to be found. And when they was in bed, at home at Claire house, Jamie asked, "So ye want to have kids with me?"

"All five of them." She replied sleepy.

"Five? That many?” He said and in the dark, holding each other they talked and decided what their future children’s name would be and they laughed at their name suggestion and that they couldn’t really agree.

She had fallen asleep safely with the knowledge that they were fine and Geneva seemed to be far far away.

April.

It was exactly a month left until Jamie's birthday and Claire had planned a special trip for them. After the book fair everything had been a little strange, but now they were back on track and still not a word from Geneva. Nobody still didn’t know about their relationship and she hadn’t called John.

Claire had booked a big really, expensive suite at a hotel in Paris and they would fly there in about two weeks. Jamie didn’t not seem to suspect anything and she couldn’t wait, a place where they could be just them, it was the perfect surprise.

Jamies POV

Claire had just told him to pack a suitcase and to bring his passport. The last few weeks had been a bit awkward with everything that had happened around Geneva. And he was excited over them going away together, even if he didn’t know where they were going.

When they had been in that hotel room and Claire told him that Geneva was pregnant and maybe he was the father, his first reaction was that he was terrified that it would be the end with Claire. But then the thought of Geneva, being pregnant, He needed to know and he had kept looking for Geneva without saying it to Claire when they came home, he could not stop thinking that the child might be his.

When they saw each other in November, Geneva had not mentioned anyone else or suggested that she was seeing someone, not that he cared but then Jamie managed to find a marriage certificate that said that Geneva had gotten married in January and he felt relieved, it probably wasn’t his child then. He did not know where Geneva was, only that she now went under another surname, Geneva Ransom.

Claire picked him up in taxi and they where heading of to the airport. "Where are we going Claire?" he said as they sat in the taxi.

"Haha Stop being so curious, it's my turn to kidnap you. You'll see when we're at the airport” When they had checked in their bags, he learned that they were going to Paris, the city of love.

Jamie thought it was a little ironic that he had packed the little ring box in his bag, it had been in his nightstands, just waiting for the right moment and Paris felt just like that.

When they were up in the air with just a few hours left, Claire whispered "Come with me to the bathroom and I’ll let you do whatever you want with me." He was so shocked by what she said he almost choked his whiskey, but she only smiled, got up and walked down the to the toilet. He followed and knocked a little cautiously.

It was neither long nor pretty, that small space for such a tall man as himself and a whole plane as spectator outsides But they still managed to somehow have sex standing up. They laughed as they walked out of bathroom and continued laughing at their places after the bitter expression they had received by one of the flight attendants. Here they were on a plane heading for a weekend Claire had planned for them, a whole weekend without having to hide, God he loved that woman.

Hôtel Juliana was a really nice hotel, with the view overlooking the Eiffel Tower. Claire had put a lot of effort and money for his sake, he realized when he saw their hotel room. They had landed quite late but not late enough to have dinner, Jamie jumped in for a quick shower and while he got dressed Claire took one too.

He picked up his phone and saw that he had one missed called and a voice message. He listened.

"Hi Jamie, it's Geneva. I do not know how to say this, but Im standing outside your door and realize you're not home but I've been kicked out by my husband. He realized that he could not be his child, it's yours! Call me."

The room started spinning and when Claire entered the room, looking all perfect, he couldn’t tell her what he just had heard. He was not prepared to lose her.

  
All afternoon Jamie sat and tried to be part of the conversation and be tried to sound happy, but the only thing he thought of was Geneva. How could he tell this to Claire, she would leave straight away. This was far too much. She said that herself she did not want to exist in a relationship where Geneva existed. But how could he ignore his own child? He did not know what he would do or when he would say it.

The ring he left in the hotel, it was completely useless now. She would never marry him, Fuck she would never stay after he told er. He cursed himself for not using a condom that night and that Geneva had been there that night, but in the end there was no one else to blame except him. It was always his fault, from the beginning to the end he did wrong when it came to Claire. Should she quit and run away again and he would never see her again. Or worse would she stay and live a life nearby but never be his.

When they lay in the bed that night with the window open and the sound of Paris streets waved in, they made love slowly, cautiously, and he had cried when she fell asleep of the knowledge that it was soon over.

The following day they when to the Eiffel Tower, Claire was so excited that she behaved like a little girl, jumping around and laughing, everything about her made his heart warm and when they almost reached the top Jamie had thought nothing except how badly he wanted to propose. He really wanted to spend the rest of his life with her but he knew she never would.

The Paris trip was ending and he spent every second memorizing everything about her. How her dark perfect curls ringed around her face and when the sun hit it, it showed several different shades of brown .... “Mo nighean Donn” he whispered when Claire was asleep on the plane back home to Scotland.

  
Present 2016. Claire POV

  
"So you two broke it up when you learned that Geneva was expecting Jamie's child?" John asked furiously.

"Yes"

"Why the hell haven’t you told me this Claire? That you and Jamie had this past between you. How have you even managed to work together? And we got back together just after I moved back !! Why did you even go back to be with me? " John shouted.

"I love you John and it seemed like a good distraction then."

"Distraction? So you used me to get over Jamie?"

"No John ... maybe at first but not now! You've never hurt me and I want to be with you. I stayed at work because I knew that i would have to explain why I should have quit in first place. You would have left me.”

"Yes, I had, then I would have escaped sitting in this damn mess. I feel so damn stupid. Here I have talked to Jamie how much I love you and how I were going to ask you to marry me, for years you have been going behind my back. "

"So you told him about getting engaged?" Claire said and he seemed to get more angry.

"Yes and just few days ago he told me he was thinking about moving so he could be closer to Geneva and the child and I said I was happy for the bastard!!”

"Move? He hasn’t said anything about that. "

"It feels like as good friends as you are he should have said something." he said spiteful.

"I didn’t know..."

"Does it make any difference? Then you can quit and maybe move on ... it feels quite obvious that you haven’t done that when you stay where you are his secretary, when you know you could do better but you stayed.. close to him." John said angry.

Claire knew she didn’t quit because she didn’t manage to leave. When Jamie had told her about the child, he said he did not intend to have a relationship with Geneva but the child and pleaded for Claire to stay with him. Geneva had become angry because Jamie didn’t want to be with her and raise the child together as a family. So Geneva moved and Jamie never even had the chance to meet the child.

Claire had become so angry that Jamie knew that the child was his for weeks, before he told her and it had ended everything, they broke up and when John moved home from his practice, Claire returned to him, to hurt Jamie but most because she didn’t want to be alone. Over time, her and John's relationship had grown, and she lived in a relationship that was simple, confident and knowing that John would never hurt her. Claire should have quit but she couldn’t tell John why so she stayed.

Jamie had been hurt of course but he was still kind at the beginning but the longer the time, he became more bitter and angry that John and Claire were together again and he did everything he could to hurt her back. So he started to sleep with all the girls in the office and she had ignored it but she still felt like she was dying, but still she couldn’t leave. They had never touched each other after they broke up, until he kissed her at the office just days ago.

There were times when they'd been better, they could talk without any bitterness but as soon as they came too close they realized that it was still too difficult, so they returned to the same professional relationship they had. She never asked about the child and he never said anything. She had seen a picture of a little red-haired baby but had stopped looking as fast she saw it.

And after her engagement, everything had gone straight to hell and Jamie did not seem to be able to hold back his dissatisfaction and if what John said was true, that he was going to move to live with Geneva and the child, then it was just as good that she had quit.

He would disappear and everything would be over, now the only the question was what would happen between her and John.

"What do you want to do John now?" she said and Claire was scared.

"It's over, I can’t live with this. Knowing you've been with Jamie for years and lied it's too much. "So John got up and left.

No John, no job, no Jamie, she had nothing left.

Claire packed her bag and went to the airport. She called her mother and asked for her forgiveness for leaving again, but she could not stay here.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have lost my inspiration, this story needs to end so I’m going to post all they chapters I have . It’s still not as good as I had wanted it too. But I don’t have the time or energy to keep this story alive. The grammatical errors are still there, I haven’t rewritten it. So here is the rest!

**Present 2016. - Jamies POV**

  
  


Claire was going to marry John, she said yes and chose to be with John and then she quit. Jamie didn’t have anything left, Why should he stay here? This whole year had been torture. First Claire broke up with him after she had found out that he had known for weeks that Geneva was pregnant and didn’t tell her straight away. That was the worst day of Jamies life.

 

Then Jamie where going to help Geneva to divorce her husband, but in the meanwhile her husband had died of a heart attack and she had inconvenient inherited all of his money. Then Geneva asked him to live with her and the baby but left town when Jamie said didn’t want to be with her and she managed to move away with that sum she had inherited and then she refused to let Jamie know where she was.

He only received a picture of his son as a newborn, nothing more. 

 

Then John moved back and to his nightmare Claire ran back to him... Jamie couldn’t blame her for wanting to be happy, it was something he couldn’t make her but he was so angry that and to stumble the pain, Jamie became a person he didn’t recognize. He drank too much, slept too little and then he began to sleep with all the new female colleagues, he knew Claire knew about it and something in him wanted her to know, to punish her, but it wasn’t even her fault. It was his.

 

So now when he finally managed to get a hold of Geneva, he convinced her to see him and he  even thought of talking to her about trying to be a family, because the idea of being alone was too much. He had even let Claire book the hotel where they were going to meet. Geneva wouldn’t really stay in the hotel there with him, but he really wanted to hurt Claire after she had got engaged to John. 

 

Jamie sat in the restaurant, in the hotel where they had decided to meet and he was terrified and nervous at the same time, he was about to see his son for the first time. He saw them come into the room and the first thing he reacted to when they came close enough was his sons eyes, they didn’t look like his at all. The hair was almost the same shade as his own but still not. 

 

His name was Aidan, his son. After spending a few minutes with them he saw that he was like most babies around a year old. Aiden pulled down everything from the table all the time and he screamed like crazy when Geneva told him to stop. 

 

His sister Jenny had the same Fraser's eyes as himself and even her children had inherited them, but the child in front of him didn’t look like him at all. Jamie looked at him and then at Geneva and he could see resemblance from Geneva, they had the same nose and even her childish mood. But he couldn’t say that he saw something of himself except in the boys hair color. His gut feeling screamed that something was wrong. "How do I know he's mine?" He hadn’t planned to say anything but nothing felt right.

 

"What do you mean? He's yours? You have the same hair color and you are a like.” Geneva answered annoyed.

 

"I can say there are other redhead men out there!" he answered sarcastically.

 

"I don’t know what you're trying to suggest, but I don’t like it James Fraser!!” Geneva said and he remembered how much he disliked this woman.

 

"It's easy, we are doing a paternity test! If he is mine, I will move closer to help you raise him and if he is not... Well, that was quite simple.”

 

"You ungrateful man!! Here I leave my husband for you and you want to leave your own child!”

  
  


"I've never asked you to leave your husband and you were kicked out, remember?” God he really didn’t like this woman. “If the man hadn’t been smart enough to die, everybody would have know you were an unfaithful, manipulative woman” Jamies said angry and he regretted that he even thought of being with Geneva in the first place.

 

Geneva had dragged Aidan out of his chair and then left the restaurant and Jamie stayed behind to calmed down. He hadn’t thought for a second that Aidan could have been another mans. The baby picture he had received had been on a newborn baby who hadn’t yet got his true face and now when he met him it became clear that he was not his.

 

Jamie had sacrificed enough for Geneva's sake. He picked up the phone to call John, the only lawyer he knew but remembered that ship had sailed. So Jamie googled up a law firm and chose Ned Gowan to represent him.

 

It turned out that Ned was an excellent lawyer. It had taken him about a week to contact and get a hold on Geneva's lawyer and managed to fix a paternity test. The days at work were untidy as he waited for the results, he couldn’t relax and now when Claire had quit, he realized how much work she had done for him, she may have been a secretary on paper, but that woman did more than he had ever realized. He wished he dared to call her and thank her for it. 

 

When the result came a few days later, Jamie was both relieved and sad, he wasn’t the father to Aidan and Jamie commuted between anger and disgust for Geneva that she had fooled him like this. He wished he could sue her, but he didn’t really meet or raise the child, and in the end it wasn’t worth it. Nothing could change what had already happened. 

 

A week later, Mina came into his office, she told him that John and Claire had broken the engagement and that John had called, wondering what address he would send her things. Confused Jamie listened but he couldn’t  understand a word what Mina was talking about.

 

“Where is Claire?” It came out almost like he was whispering.

 

“We don’t know, she’s gone.” Mina answered and he couldn’t breathe. 

 

Chocked by the news, Jamie called Claire's mother but Julia had neither wanted to tell him where Claire was or whether she would come back.  Julia had given him a good scolding and told him that he should let her be and that he would only dare to follow her after everything he had done. 

 

However when Julia had calmed down, she at least told him that Claire was safe and well. Jamie wanted desperately to tell Julia that Aidan wasn’t his son, in a stupid attempt to get the news to Claire but Jamie was smart enough to shut his mouth because Julia she was right, he didn’t deserve her. 

 

But god how he wanted to tell her how sorry he was.

  
  


**Present 2017.**

 

1 year later 

 

Claire had flown back to her sanctuary in Thailand, or rather she fled back with nothing but one suitcase and a broken heart. She found a job pretty fast and she started working at a school as a teacher. Each day she was surrounded by this loving children and she progressively started to heal, she knew it was her own fault this time and that John made the right decision to leave her. 

 

These young girls she had as students made her laugh and she loved to teach, and that was the best medicine for her heartbreak. She still had her old friends from her last trip and with her new job she felt peaceful. 

 

Claire bought a house by the beach with the money from the sale from her and Johns apartment, John hadn’t contacted her directly during the sale, but had forwarded everything to her mother who later on told her what he had said. No one had her new address or number except Mina and her parents. 

 

Claire had left Scotland and then she had waited several months of guilt because she left without a word, before she called Mina and told her where she was, Claire just said she left because of John, not Jamie.

 

When they talked on the phone Mina told her that Jamie had sold his company to Dragonfly and that he had moved. Nobody knew what he was doing or where he was. But it didn’t matter Claire was sure he had moved to live with Geneva and their child. All of his staff had moved to Dragonfly and Mina said that it was really good there, but that she missed Claire terribly. 

 

Claire tried to avoid to think of what had happened to Jamie because the thought of him, living with Geneva made her even more sad and she just stopped one day. She pushed him away in her head and locked him into a place where she couldn’t find him.

 

Since Claire moved back to Thailand, her first goal was to learn to be alone, she had put too much energy into being someones, She had stayed at a company where she couldn’t grow and now she was happy that she had found her calling in teaching these amazing children and she went every day on a night course to learn how to speak Thai and with a lot of help from her friend Alec she was almost fluent after a few months, almost.

 

The last money from their old apartment Claire had invested in buying computers and other things needed for the school she work at. The only thing she missed from Scotland besides her family was really good strong coffee, but her mother Julia sometimes sent a care packet, full of her favorite things.

 

Claire was up really early, drinking her morning coffee out on her porch and she watched the sunrise. She was almost jealous of herself who had such a perfect location next the water. Claire had found a new little hobby, she was trying to learn how to surf and she wasn’t really good at it but her neighbors seemed to get a good laugh when she tried. She was just about to go down to the beach when her phone rang.

 

It was her mother, She told Claire that Geillis house had burnt down and that she had been stuck inside of the house, Claire needed to come home for the funeral.

 

On the airplane Claire was still quite low, she had been crushed to hear about her old friend and she wasn’t really coping with the suddent death of her friend. She had bought her plane ticket right after she had talked to her mother and she cried for the first time as the plane went up in the air and she left Thailand.

 

When Claire finally landed in Scotland, the cool air was appreciated. Everything looked like usual when she got outside, the clouds were dark and she knew it was just a matter of time before it started to rain, but what caught her eye was the man across the street.

 

Jamie were sitting on the bench in front of the airport.

  
  


**Jamie POV**

 

Jamie had sold his company almost right after he met Geneva and Claire had disappeared. Even before when Claire was at work, engaged to John he felt he was dying but when she disappeared he broke down for real. The weeks before he sold his company, he really had a hard time to finish his duties and started doing a bad job as a boss. He couldn’t stay there after Claire had left. He sold his flat and moved temporarily to his childhood home, Lallybroch. 

 

After his parents had died, his sister Jenny had moved in there with her husband Ian. Jamie had wanted Jenny to live there because it was so big and she had her family, but he was still glad that his old room was untouched and left for him when needed.

 

Jamie spent the first time at Lallybroch locked up in his room, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t sleep. Claire was the love of is life and it was as all the anger he had felt towards her after her engagement finally got up with him and he couldn’t live with how he had treated her. All he could think about was her and how he missed her terribly. Everything reminded him of what he had lost and he knew he needed to suffer with the consequences of his actions. He had lost her because of his actions not once, not even twice and now for eternity. 

 

Jamie slowly began to feel better after a while,  he helped out by taking care of his sisters children and it was a good distraction but what happened was that his interest in writing came back. Jamie had gone back to the same bench as before, as if all the forces in the universe drew him to his destiny, his destiny to wait for her. He knew he didn’t deserve Claire. But in a way it felt like every day he sat there, it felt like he was paying for all the pain he had caused her. But it  also felt like a curse on those days he sat there alone, feeling sorry for himself. 

 

Jamie almost didn’t come that day, the weather had been bad and having a laptop outside when it was raining could only produce bad results, but something made him go and if he hadn’t done it, he would had missed her.

 

She was back.

  
  


**Claire POV**

 

The stubborn idiot sat on that freakin bench and Jamie had to looked up from his computer when she stepped outside the airport. At first Claire stood there shocked, looking at him, but when they got eye contact she quickly moved and got in into a taxi. Her first reaction of seeing Jamie had been overwhelming. She hadn’t seen him in almost a year and in just a few seconds he had broken down all the feelings she thought she had processed. 

 

The fact that he sat there, on that bench meant that he was waiting for her, she knew that. He would never sit there if he had moved on with Geneva. He was there because he still loved her and that scared her more then she thought.

 

The welcome she received from her parents when she came to their house was even better than she had when she left the first time and when her parents hugged her she cried with joy to see them, but also for the loss of Geillis. Nothing could make one cry like being hugged by her mother, She felt safe.

 

Her parents told her that the funeral was in a few days and they promised to accompany her. Geillis had graduated and then become a gynecologist and she worked at the same hospital as her mother Julia and even her mother had been enchanted by Geillis fabulous personality and they had become acquainted with each other. 

 

When Claire arrived to her parents house, she was exhausted, she was in a different time zone and she hadn’t slept on the plane so she went upstairs to her room to sleep. It was a little part in her who wanted that Jamie would call, they had made eye contact and he had smiled a little and now knowing she was home, maybe he would. 

 

But after her nap, a few hours later during dinner, her mum told her that Jamie had been by a couple of times and left her things from the office. Claire was surprised that they hadn’t mentioned that before and that even made her upset. Claire excused herself and walked up to her room, she found the box in her closet and when she went through the it ,she severely found letters. She opened the one that had the number 1 on it.

 

**Jamie's letter 1**

 

_ Hi Claire, it's been a month since I found out that you are gone. Out of respect, I haven’t  contacted you except what I'm writing now, I expect that when you read this maybe it have been years. But I need to say this and I want to start by telling how sorry I'm about how I treated you, especially after you got engaged with John. It was childish and you didn’t deserve it.  _

 

_ I realized when you quit the amount of work you actually did and I am embarrassed that I didn’t  make you partner instead of keeping you as my secretary. We should have owned the company together and you should have received more credit for the work you did. I am so sorry!  _

 

_ The other thing I want to apologize for is how I used Geneva against you to hurt you, it wasn’t fair at all, I chose to be in her and the child's life over you, I had no right to hurt you for the decision I took. I was a bitter person who couldn’t see that all that has happened has been due to my own stupid decisions. I should never have been with her from the beginning ... maybe things would have been different if I had seen that night at Helwater that you felt ill instead of focusing on Thomas. Then maybe I had taken you home and we had woken up the following day in each other's arms.  _

 

_ And I should have followed you to Australia and apologized for what I did instead of sitting here and sour, writing a tragic book about how bad it was for me when you moved. It should never have been about me. _

 

_ Of all the stupid decisions I've taken that led us to stand here, I regret the most that I've hurt you so and what I'm writing now doesn’t change what I've done nor excuses it but I wanted to tell you that Geneva lied, the child was never mine. I took a paternity test that proved that I was impossible for me to be the father. I wish I'd been smart enough to realize that Geneva would do all she could to get me and I was ashamed that I believed her so easily. I am sorry! _

 

_ I didn’t feel worthy to own the company that bore my name when it should really have been ours, I’m going to sell it and move home to Lallybroch. For the first time in my life, I have no idea what to do in my life, but I know that I am forever and always is yours. _

 

_ Love _

_ James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser. _

  
  


Claires heart was beating so hard that she thought it would jump out there and then. The tears ran down her face and she needed to read more, quickly she opened the next letter.

 

**Jamie's letter 2**

 

_ Hi Claire, You have been away for 4 months now. I still think of you every single day, how you are feeling and what you might be doing. I wish I could talk to you but your mother made it clear that I under no circumstances get to be in touch with you, yet she has let me leave the first  letter without saying anything.  _

 

_ She's a great mom who cares about you so much. And I am so grateful She invited me for coffee and she let me tell her everything. When I was leaving I was so scared when your dad drew me into his workshop and told me I had the guts to visit them, but he'd got a bit calmer when I told him that I had no intentions to disturb your life. _

 

_ I've got the inspiration to write my next book. I never thought I'd write again, but as usual, you're my inspiration in life and this time I'm not writing a sad story without a love story how it should have been from the start.  _

 

_ How it should have been between us.  It’s about a couple and their 5 children. Brianna, William, Juliana, Robert and Faith.  _

 

_ How it should have been, two best friends who fell in love at the university and then spent the rest of their lives together. Their adventure over the years and even the adventure they took when they went camping.  _

 

_ When they went to Paris and he proposed to her in the elevator up for the eifffel tower, he wasn’t supposed to do it there and but when he had seen her so excited about being on her way up that he couldn’t help himself. He needed to show her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her right there and now.  _

 

_ How they during the birth of their firstborn had cried because it was the most beautiful child they ever seen and how his wife had been so strong and brave. In the amount of a few weeks, I have managed to write down everything I wanted for us. Everything I wanted to share with you. _

 

_ When you read this maybe it has been several years but it doesn’t matter because I know that I am forever and always is yours. _

 

_ Love _

_ James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser. _

 

Claire cried even more after that letter and she hollowed like never before. 

 

She cried for herself, for Jamie and the future they never had.

 

Claire fell asleep with his letters in her arms and dreamed a dream she had not had for a long time, a dream that showed different shades of red.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have lost my inspiration, this story needs to end so I’m going to post all they chapters I have . It’s still not as good as I had wanted it too. But I don’t have the time or energy to keep this story alive. The grammatical errors are still there, I haven’t rewritten it. So here is the rest!

The next morning Claire when straight downstairs to talk to her mother “Why didn’t you tell me Jamie had been here?, you knew that the child wasn’t his?"

 

"Jamie didn’t want you to know yet and it was not my thing to tell.” Her mother answered and Julia started to look a bit guilty. ”And.. I didn’t want you to run home. You went away to find yourself Clairebear, I know how your life are now, you love being a teacher and you're enjoying Thailand, it's your home now. "

 

"I know mom, but I might have felt better knowing."

 

"Do you really believe that? Can you say you hadn’t abandoned everything to come back if you heard that the child was not his? "

 

"No, you're right ...maybe it’s better finding out like this"

 

"You have a few days left  before you go home, take that time and heal.” Her mother paused and looked at her. “Jamie has been here 3-4 times and left his letters and I've said every time it's a stupid idea but my instincts as a  mother kind of kicked in,when you see a man who is so lost and I know that he don’t have his parents left, so I felt that he really needed someone to talk to. There is nothing that excuses what has happened, but he is trying to do the right thing, he is not coming here to win you back, he comes here to prove himself worthy and that maybe one day you will forgive him.”

 

Claire was surprised that her parents had treated Jamie like this, but still thankful they had not kicked him out, no matter what had happened between them, She knew he was a good guy who just made bad decisions. But Her mother was right she shouldn’t make any quick decisions, because in the end she would leave Scotland and get on that plane back to Thailand.

 

**Jamie POV**

 

She's back, she's home, she's here! Jamie was completely hysterical, he didn’t know why Claire was back but a little spark of happiness was lit in him. After watching her jump into the taxi, Jamie got up and went home to Lallybroch.

 

"Brother why are you running around for? Have just put wee Ian to sleep. " his sister Jenny said irritated.

 

"Forgive me Jenny, I was just out writing and I saw her !!! " Jamie said and he didn’t know where to go, he just wanted to scream of exitment as he wandered in the living room.

 

"Who?" her sister answered more annoyed.

 

"Claire, She's Back!!”

 

"Stop! turn around and sit down Jamie. Let that poor woman be ... "Jamie interrupted her “ wasn’t thinking..."

 

"No, you didn’t think. You have been sitting on that damn bench for months and now she is home and you take it as a sign. It's not, let her be. You have put her through too much. If she wants to talk to you let her come to you. "

 

"You're right, fuuuck I was so happy to see her I didn’t know what to do."

 

”Let her go Jamie.” 

  
  
  


Three days in Scotland and Claire really had thought Jamie would call or try contact her in some way. She felt a stupid that she had hoped he would.  _ What is wrong with you Claire…  _

 

Claire was standing in her room getting ready, she were going out to meet Mina, they were going to update each other about everything that happened. God she had missed her friend.

 

Claire took a taxi and met Mina outside of her apartment and they walked from there to find a place to eat. As they walked passed a pub they saw a sign with today’s special and Claire almost pushed Mina inside. They begun with a long-awaited fish and chips, Claire had really missed food from home, even though how much she loved Thailand, she was a bit tired of noodles and fried chicken. They talked, drank and Claire told her that she finally was a teacher, Her new calling in life.

 

"Claire, that's absolutely amazing. How is it?”

 

"It feels really good and the other teachers were a little hard at the first of a foreigner but now everyone is so nice and I’m working with Alec, you know the guy I met in Australia." Claire answered.

 

"Have you heard anything from John?" Mina asked carefully.

 

"The last thing I heard was that he moved” Claire got sad when she thought of John.

 

"So you haven’t talked anything ...?"

 

"No, he never responded when I called..”

 

"It's so sad it ended, you were perfect for each other."

 

"I don’t think if you are perfect for each other, you keep looking for perfection in someone else...” Claire responded quietly.

 

"Someone else?" Mina looked at her chocked.

 

So Claire told Mina the story for the first time, about her and Jamie. “So all that time you were unhappily in love with each other? This is the sadest love story I've ever heard.” Mina said and Claire took out Jamie's third letter out of her pocket and they read it together.

  
  


**Jamies letter 3**

 

_ Hi Claire, you've been away for 10 months now and your mom told me that you bought a house in Thailand and that you really is staying this time, no matter how happy I'm for you, it's hard to live here without you. But I want you to move on and live.  _

 

_ Just remember, everyone isn’t like me..I hope you try…. To Love again. _

 

_ There are two people you’ll meet in your life. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts of you that peak their interest.  _

 

_ The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe fold corners of you that inspired them most. _

 

_ You will meet these two people; it is a given. It is the third that you’ll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book.  _

  
  


_ Love always  _

 

_ James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser. _

  
  


"Wow ... Just ... He wants you to dare to love again after all that has happened." Mina said and looked at Jamies letter again.

 

"Hmm ... isn’t it strange that he is sending out double messages?" Claire said and were becoming annoyed.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Well he says I should let myself love again, but then he's writing these fucking letters and sitting on that bench !!! He could as well not say anything at all.”

 

"I think you're a little drunk Claire ... I don’t think he meant anything bad, just that it’s okey to love again. Maybe we should go home? "

 

In the taxi, Claire was still annoyed after reading Jamies latest letter. "Who is he to tell me what to do." She muttered and the taxi driver said "What did you say?"

 

"Turn the car around!"

 

"Where are we going?" he said and looked at her in the mirror.

 

"Lallybroch"

 

Claire thought of nothing when the taxi stopped a little bit from the house and if she guessed right Jamie would be in his old room, She walked up the stairs, the other door to the left and She carefully opened the door.

 

Jamie was sleeping and Claire walked over to his bed and tried to wake him. He opened his eyes and when he saw her they got bigger. "Claire, what are ye doing here?" it seemed to take awhile for him to realized she was actually there.

 

"I read your letters!" He could probably heard on her voice that she was drunk.

 

"Aye. but what are ye doing here?" Jamie said low.

  
  


Claire had been to Lallybroch a few times before, but it had been years since, when she woke up in Jamie's room, in Jamie's bed, it took a while before she understood where she was and she remembered. “Oh god.”

 

Claire was grateful that she was alone but she got Flashback from the evening before, from the taxi and when she woke him and all she wanted to was to die. She Probably had been too drunk she had passed out and Jamie had left to sleep somewhere else. Outside she heard little children talking and Jenny's voice. 

 

_ Oh my good Jenny!! Everybody is home and here I am.  _ Claire didn’t have the courage to leave the bed and she felt disgusting in her clothes she had slept in. But soon after that she heard the front door shut and the house got quiet, they must have left. Carefully she walked down the stairs. Her first thought was to leave but changed her mind and she found Jamie standing  in the kitchen.

 

"Good morning Claire”  Jamie said gave her a loop sided smile but she could see how nervous he was.

 

"Jamie ... I'm ... so sorry !! Come here in the middle of the night, break in and wake you in my condition. I have no words for my behavior”

 

"You didn’t do much, you babbled a lot and seemed to be upset ,then you passed out so i let you sleep there and I slept on the couch. It’s okay Claire. " he said and smiled again but Claire was so embarrassed.

 

"No, none of this okay. We have not talked for months!! Then I just show up…”

 

"Truly Claire, its okay." 

 

Jamie convinced her to sit down and he gave her a plate with omelette he had made for her and he promised that he would drive her home after she had eaten. He asked carefully why she was home and she told him about Geillis funeral.

 

"I'm sorry for your loss. May she rest in peace. So sorry you're home for such a sad cause. "

 

"Yes... it’s terrible!" she said quietly and ate her omelette.

 

Silence.

 

"Claire, why are you here?"

 

"I don’t know, I was out with Mina. We read your letter and I became annoyed and went here to confront you I think. "

 

"Which letter?" he said and looked at her.

 

"The third and last one..."

 

"Oh I see”

 

“ _ Why _ did you write me those?”

 

“I've written more..." he said avoided answering her question.

 

"Why weren’t they in the box?"  she asked curiously, He pulled his hand through his hair and looked a bit uncertain. "They were not as understanding, I had some bad days too" he said and tried to smile.

 

"Can I read them?"

 

"Maybe later, eat up and I'll drive you home.”

 

Jamie got up from his chair leaving Claire alone in the kitchen. Claire closed her eyes, wishing she had gone to the bathroom first, she stank of alcohol and sleep. But most of all she wished she never had come, she wasn’t at all prepared for this. When Jamie returned, she saw that he had picked up several pieces of papper, he put them into an envelope and then into his jacket. Jamie sat down by the table and the atmosphere was so awkward, they were almost like strangers.

 

They didn’t say much in the car but Claire told him about the school she was working on. “It's a small school called  _ Lanta Sanuk School _ " Jamie drove up to the driveway outside her parents house and everything was even more awkward, Neither didn’t know what to say and just before she got out, he gave her the envelopes he had in his pocket, then he drove away. 

 

When she got inside, Her mother just looked at her irritated from the kitchen and Claire went straight into her room. She took out the letters out of the envelope, they were just half written and you could see that he never finish them.

  
  


_ Jamie's letters _

 

_ Hi Claire, you've been away for 6 months and I'm getting crazy. I'm so close to go to the airport and fly to Thailand and search through the whole place until I find you. I need to tell you everything, I need you to know! I need you to forgive me, I can not handle this. I love you _

  
  


_ Hi Claire, I sat at the airport today, I bought a ticket but I couldn’t move. I realized I can’t come and ruin everything, I'm so damn selfish. _

  
  


The last letter had only three words.

_ I’m so sorry.... _

  
  


After reading the letters Claire needed to wash away the scent from last night and she got into the shower and cried again. She was irritated that she had embarrassed herself and she was feeling annoyed that she still wasn’t clearly over Jamie.  _ How is this even possible, how do I still love him like this. _

 

Claire got dressed in sweatpants and a lose oversized T-shirt and then she went to her mother downstairs and waited for her confrontation, but she said nothing.  Julia just looked at her, shook her head and gave her a disapproving look like just a mom can. 

 

The next day was Geilli's funeral, Her father drove and they all sat quietly in the car and when they arrived, there were many people Claire recognized and she hugged Geilli's parents when she saw them. 

 

Claire stared at the coffin throughout the whole ceremony and she cried, She had a rose in her hand that she was supposed to put on the coffin, but she couldn’t move, her mother had taken her hand and held it for the rest of the ceremony and at the end, The priest quoted David Harkins.

 

_ “You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.  _

 

_ You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all she's left. _

 

_ Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love you shared. _

 

_ You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.  _

 

_ You can remember her only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. _

 

_ You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what she'd want: smile, _ **_open your eyes, love and go on.”_ **

  
  
  


**Jamie POV**

 

When he dropped of Claire at her parents house, he was almost hyperventilating. When he woke up with Claire sitting in his bed he was sure it was a dream. He saw in what state she was and he wanted to laugh how cute she was when she rambled about his letters. “Who are you to say to me i can love again?” She said and that meant she didn’t have anyone, or that what he hoped. When she finally was out of words she just layed down next to him, not close enough to touch him and she fell asleep. He just watched her for awhile before ha got up and left his room and went downstairs to sleep on the couch. Maybe it was her presence but he slept better then he had since the day she left.

 

Jamie hadn’t really expected anything when he gave Claire the letters but it felt nice to give her them, So she knew that he wasn’t just at home and didn’t think several times he would go and find her, as he did so many times. But the question why she had come the night before was circulating in his head, it had to mean something.

 

Jamie didn’t really know what he would do now, he was too upset to write, he wasn’t hungry and the only thing that might help where to get rid of all this energy. So he went outside and ran, he ran faster than he ever had and he didn’t stop until he needed to catch his breath. During his walk home, the thoughts came crawling back. Claire was going home tomorrow, The funeral was probably over by now and she would return to Thailand and he would be left alone again. He wanted to talk to Jenny but she would only insist he let it be. 

 

But he couldn’t stop thinking that when she left he would probably not see her again for several months if not years, the thought felt like knives in his stomach. He picked up the phone and called to her parents house.

 

"She is gone Jamie, let her go." Had Claire mother said and hung up.

 

_ No.. _  Claire had left a day earlier, she had probably been so sad after Geilli's funeral that she rebooked her ticket. 

 

She was gone.

 

But you know where she works _ , Lanta Sanuk School." _ Whispered a voice in his head and Jamie ran back to Lallybroch. He got inside and he almost tripped when he ran upstairs. Jamie packed a bag and he drove to the airport.

 

This time he would follow her.

 

But he should have checked the flights before he left, The next flight to Thailand wasn’t until 7 hours. God he was really going do it this time, He had the ticket and he were going on that plane no matter what. 

 

Jamie became nervous about the idea that he was about to follow her to the other side of the earth, what if she gets angry? What should I even say? He thought and he got scared. It's Saturday now and she starts working on Monday so I’ll have time to find the school. Where would I stay? The thought were running in his head, He had at least packed his computer with him to make the time faster he could use the time so he could find a hotel and then continue to write on his book. Technically he was in the same place he used to write, just across the street.

 

Seven long hours later when the plane finally lifted, he was sweating like crazy and Jamie couldn’t relax and there he was in a 12 hours flight, trying to figure out what he would say when he met Claire. They had known each for 6 years, as many years as he had loved her. From the very first moment she yelled at him in the pub. They had only had a couple of weeks together together over the years but now he was on his way to make sure it was forever. He would never let her go again. 

 

"Please let her take me back." all he could do was to pray.

 

The flight was terrible and the female flight attendant had flirted with him for the last 3 hours, She had stopped when he was pretending to be asleep. It wasn’t uncommon for people to recognize him as the author who wrote Sassenach and they all wanted to help him get over the obvious love he had lost when he wrote it. It made him think of the book he was writing now, He had somehow almost finish it when he waited for the plane. 

 

It was like the end of the book would be finished after he met Claire and that if she chose to have him, maybe it would show him how it should end. 

 

Jamie landed late on Sunday and his jet lag was not to play with, he was so tired and he needed to go to his hotel and sleep so when he talked to Claire on Monday, he would be well rested and ready. But as soon as he checked into the hotel and was sitting in his hotel room, he was anything but tired. 

 

He was so close that he felt it throughout his body, Claire was here somewhere. He had already asked the woman at the reception where Lanta Sanuk School was. 

 

He just had to go there tomorrow.

  
  



	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have lost my inspiration, this story needs to end so I’m going to post all they chapters I have . It’s still not as good as I had wanted it too. But I don’t have the time or energy to keep this story alive. The grammatical errors are still there, I haven’t rewritten it. So here is the rest!

**Present Claire POV**

 

When Claire returned home to Thailand after the funeral and she felt safe in her bed, with the window open she heard the waves hit the beach and she wished she had have enough courage to say goodbye to Jamie before she left. 

 

Both seemed to have in their own way processed their separation during the year, not very successfully but still they had tried and his last letter said that she should try to love again and Claire was annoyed again with herself for spending to much time reading into the meaning of his letters. But she couldn’t stop thinking of his letter he'd given her in the car, they had been the opposite of a man who wanted to let her go. It was a man who didn’t want to spend his life without her. But it didn’t matter anyway, she was here and he was back home Scotland.

 

Claire was at Lanta Sanuk School early and she was standing in her classroom arranging for her lesson, her students were about 10 years old and only girls, So on a regular day it was usually a lot of giggle and whispers during her lessons, sometimes it was fun and she laughed with them but often she tried to be strict with them so they would listen and hold their concentration on what she said instead of what she was wearing. They always admired her clothes and they reminded her daily, that she wasn’t at all dressed as their mothers or female relatives, and then she reminded them that she was a foreigner and didn’t really manage the heat like their family members and she explained that she needed to wear some shorter dresses or shorts to not get a heat stroke or faint during the day.

 

The lesson began and when the girls sat quietly and studied Claire took up her book to read, it was Mary Hawkins latest book she had received last week. When she heard one of the girls, Tasanee start giggling Claire gave her strictest look and she became silent. But when more and more girls started to laugh, she said again. "What so funny girls?"

 

"Forgive me Miss Claire, but there is a giant outside!" Tasanee pointed at the glass door, Claire looked at the door and she fell off her chair. 

 

“Jamie?”

 

Her reaction to the man in the door made all the girls laugh even more, Claire went up from the floor and she walked out of her classroom, When she closed the door, the shock of seeing him made her speechless, 

 

Jamie is here. He is here in Thailand at her school, in front of her.

 

"Hey Claire." Jamie said nervously in front of her.

 

"What are you doing here Jamie? Her voice betrayed her.

 

"You never said goodbye."

 

"Did you come all the way here to say goodbye? Seems to be a very long journey for such an simple thing "she laughed at that a bit.

 

Her laugh made Jamie smile. "Nothing is simple when it comes to you Sassenach!” He took a step closer to her “I came for you.”

 

Claire looked into her classroom and then back at Jamie, she was desperately trying to come up with something smart to say but her brain was shutting down.

 

"Do you want me to go?" her silence seemed to make him even more nervous.

 

"No!”  it almost sounded desperate “But I would love to talk when there isn’t a room of little girls who are earsdropping, like right now.” She said and saw her students curiously looking at them through the door.

 

"I'll wait. Here, call me when you get off work and I'll see you then." He had written down his number and hotel. 

 

Claire nodded and kissed him on the cheek and she went back to her classroom and the girls asked all sorts of questions about the huge redheaded man.  She was in shock almost the whole lesson. "Jamie is here, he wants me back." She started smiling at the idea that he had flown all the way here for her. 

 

But you live here now, how would it even work? You don’t want to leave Thailand. Those annoying and logical questions appeared in her mind. And she couldn’t understand how easily she had accepted that he was in Thailand and that she was too quick to forgive him again.

 

She looked down at the note he gave her and smiled at how close his hotel was to her house. 

 

Claire had gone home after her day at school and when she called Jamie, she explained where she lived and he said he would walk over to her house. She had been running around in her house, cleaning away the worst before he arrived and she was wondering if she should take quick a shower when it rang on the door. "He is here."

 

When she opened the door, Jamie stood outside and they hugged a little awkwardly and she started to show him around. As they walked around her house she noticed that he had already burned his nose in the sun and she smiled about that he really had packed without packing the necessary one needed for being in this climate and then flew after her, She was quite sensitive to the sun herself but after the year she had lived there, her body had become more used to to the sun, but she always used sunscreen every morning. 

 

When she had shown him almost everything they stayed out on her porch, both looking out over the ocean and Jamie broke the silence.

 

"You have found a great place to stay Claire."

 

"It's my little safe haven, few neighbors and it’s peaceful and quiet."

 

"So you like it here then, You want to live here? "

 

"Besides the mosquitoes, it's a good place to settle down,” she said and smiled. “yes I want to live here."

 

She wanted to break the silence that came after that and but couldn’t get the words out so she went into the kitchen, to pick up cold beer from the fridge. She could feel his presence behind her.

 

"Look at me please Claire” she turned around slowly. 

 

“I didn’t really have a plan when I got here but I came to tell you how I feel and I just want you to listen, then you can do what you want with it, okay?” He swallow hard as he waited for her to answer.

 

"Okay." She whispered.

 

“I have never done right when it comes to us, I have over and over broken us. I have hurt you, I have lied” he paused, took a deep breath and looked at her again.”

 

“A million words wouldn't bring you back,

I know I have tried. Neither would a million tears, I know because I've cried.” His words sounded familiar she thought.

 

“But I'm still here to try to make you change your mind. I can’t erase what I’ve done but I can promise you. I’ll never hurt you again, I will spend every minute of my life showing you how much i love you. I can’t go another day without you Claire.. If you don feel the same i will leave and never bother you again.” He poured his heart out and he almost looked like a sad puppy.

 

“Jamie we have tried so many times, we have tried and failed every time. It really feels like the universe are trying to tell us that it won’t work. We have hurt so many people for our selfish actions and we have hurt each other. So much that I had to not once but twice, escape to the other side of the earth. You sold your company that you worked so hard for after I left. We hurt John, our friend and now he doesn’t talk to us anymore.” She was rambling and he looked completely crushed.

 

“I have forgiven you for choosing to get to know Geneva and your child, even if the child wasn’t yours, I have forgiven you for that.” He nodded and they stood quite in front of each other.

 

“But During our years we know each other we haven’t had more than weeks as a couple.. the rest we’ve spent like this and I'm so damn tired of this conversation we always have…”

  
  
  


**Jamie POV**

 

Jamie waited impatiently for her to continue but she remained silent. He was starting to get scared now, She was focusing on all the bad things.

 

"I know Claire, we have tried this before but I know it will work this time! I’ll do whatever you want, anything!! " he said and he wanted to beg on his knees.

 

"Ask me!" 

 

"Ask what?" Her smile confused him.

 

"Ask me what you where going to ask me in the elevator in Paris Jamie...” His heart stopped and it took a while for him to understand how she could have known, but then he remembered that he had written it down in the letter he gave her. 

 

Jamie slowly walked towards her and he went down on his knees, the tears trailing down and he said with his heady voice.

 

"Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp, will you marry me?"

 

"About time you asked” she said and pretended to look upset and then she screamed “Yes yes yes!"

 

Jamie got up and lifted her up from the ground and gave her the longest and hardest kiss and their faces were wet by as they cried.

 

"I'm tired of having this conversation for the answer is always the same Jamie. I choose you. And I'll choose you over and over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing you.”

 

"Claire, I can’t explain how it feels like to hold you again, ever since you left I've lived in the shadows and when I came here and I saw you it was as if the sun returned and cast away the darkness. I would give up everything I have to be with you.”

 

"So you would be willing to stay here?"

 

"Where you are Sassenach, is my home."

  
  


**Claire POV**

 

Claire didn’t mean to talk about all the bad things between them but she wanted to make her point that it didn’t matter how many times they did this, she would always say yes, her love for Jamie was endless. When he stood here in Thailand, in her home, she couldn’t imagine it without him.

 

"I have no ring with me. I never thought it would end like this.”

 

"Oh, I don’t need a ring Jamie. Right here and now I don’t need anything."

 

They went down to the beach hand in hand and they sat down in front of the water. Jamie sat behind her and he seemed overwhelmed by what just happened and he didn’t say anything at first, he just held her.

 

"When I woke up today, I expected the worst Claire, that you get angry that I came here.  I stood half an hour outside your classroom before I dared to look in through the window. I listened as you talked to your students and was totally amazed that you could speak Thai but most of how confident you seemed to be in your role as a teacher and it was a minute I was thinking about leaving. How afraid I was destroying what you've built here.” He said after awhile.

 

”I know that people say you'll get over it. I have said it too. But I know it's true. Oh you’ll be happy again. But you won't forget. Every time you fall in love it will be because something in the man reminds you of him. But no one could ever be you Jamie, it has always been you.”She turned around kissed him.

 

Everything was so new but so familiar, it had been almost two years since they touched and she had lived in celibacy during this year in Thailand. But god it felt good to hold him again, Claire sat down on his lap as she kissed him and they became more eager as they kissed more intensely but when she saw her neighbor out on his porch, she stopped and a climbed embarrassed of him. It seemed to take while for Jamie to understand what happened, but when she waved to her neighbor, he laughed and said. "Maybe we should go inside."

 

He seemed nervous when they entered the house and Jamie didn’t seem to know what he should do. But Claire walked down to her bedroom and she felt nervous as she heard his footsteps close behind her.

 

Claire started undressing in front of him, Jamie stood in the doorway and still looked nervous and she undressed until she stood in front of him completely naked. Her time as celibat made her so crazy out on the beach that she felt brave enough to control where this was going. She didn’t want to hide that she wanted him and she got wet just by the thought of him.

 

Jamie didn’t seem to be able to move from the door as she stood before him naked, so Claire walked slowly, trying to remain confident as she she took his hand, pulled him next to the bed and she started to undressed him until he was as naked as her. 

 

The room was slowly getting darker as the sunlight was disappearing and Jamie stood tall and beautiful before her, she became nervous. "I haven’t done this in a long time," she whispered and they stood standing immobile opposite each other. 

 

"Me neither," he whispered and he took a step closer, lifted her up and Jamie laid her gently on the bed. 

 

His soft lips lay over her mouth, but his tongue was hot and burning when it searched for hers and she burned as much back. “God I have missed you” He stopped kissing her and looked at her and he answered low “I’m never letting you go again.” 

 

Incapable of speaking again, afraid she was going to cry she used her body to speak the words she couldn’t say in that moment and she kissed him lightly. 

 

But she needed him, she needed to feel him more, Nothing was enough until them was as one and she smiled as he grabbed her ass hard and he pressed himself closer to her and she felt how hard he was against her abdomen. Jamie put his hand between her legs and as he teased her with his fingers she slowly felt like she lost all control of her body when she spreaded her legs wider open to him.

 

Claire took him inside and Jamie fell heavily over her and she felt the resistance for a fraction of a second, then he was through and her celibacy was a mere memory. She moved with him as he pushed himself further into her almost violently and they moaned into each other’s mouths. It wasn’t pretty but a struggle of possession, he wanted to own her and she let him, she wanted nothing to be his.

 

Claire drilled her nails into his naked skin and she crossed her legs around his hips, His lips left hers and his hands grabbed her ass underneath them as he worked deeper and deeper into her. Waves of heat rinsed through her body and every wave became stronger than the previous one. Jamie got up on straight arms, looked down at her and she squirmed as an obsessed under him but he didn’t move, he just looked at her. She tried to smile and say something but It was too much and she felt how her smile faded when he began to move again. 

 

“Jamie..” she moaned when she felt how close she was.

 

“Come Claire.. come for me” his voice was low and he fell down again. Jamie’s body pressed against hers, Moving faster, harder and they clung to each other while they fell deeper into oblivion.

 

Claure don’t know how long it was before she became herself again, Jamie was still inside her and she felt like she never could let him go. She smiled at him with a smile that she didn’t know shs had.

  
  


Still inside her, sweaty and exhausted, he looked down at her and her smile was everything and a feeling began to bubble up. 

 

_ He was home. _

 


	18. Chapter 18

Present - Jamie POV

 

They woke up early by Claire alarm, she had a job to go to. He had fallen asleep in paradise but woke up to reality. He had tried to make her stay in bed but she really needed to go. She promised that she had a short day that Tuesday and would come home around 4 o'clock.

 

Jamie had called Jenny once he had landed in Thailand but he wanted to call and tell her  about everything that had happened after that. He still could not understand that she wanted him to propose or that she said yes.

 

When he got up from bed, he saw that she  had put out extra keys on the counter and the coffee that waited for him. Jamie stood in the window, that faced the beach and drank his coffee, he could definitely stay here. A perfect setting for writing as well he thought.

 

Jenny had been happy for his sake but still very skeptical about him moving to Thailand. "You're leaving everyone behind brother..." she said and Jamie got sad about the thought of everyone at Lallybroch. But he would see them again soon because he needed to fly home and arrange and pack his stuff.

 

Jamie walked around in her house and he knew he shouldn’t sneak around, but he was too curious about how her life looked like now. The house was modern, big with large glass windows right by the water, must have cost a fortune he thought. Not a lot of personal stuff up, just some pictures on her family and a little bit of nicknacks. Her bookshelf had many of those books they published over the years and a private collection of her favorites, even his book Sassenach was there.

 

He took it and opened it, he could see that she had read it a couple of times but also that she had ripped out some of the pages. It was so long ago he wrote it that he could not connect which pages she had ripped out. He put back the book and went on to her bedroom. Their clothes from yesterday was still on the floor and he had not made the bed after he got up. He sat down by the bed and hesitated but opened her nightstand. In there was his letters and a lot of pictures. A picture that made him stop was the picture of him and Claire their first year when they became acquainted with each other. He looked so in love, how could not everyone see that, he laughed for himself. He ignored the condoms. He lifted up some paper and saw a ring.

 

He had seen it an ex-number of times when it had been on her finger, John's ring ... his jealousy combined with anger over the condoms took off immediately and he wanted to throw it out of the window. He calmed down and put back the ring and closed it. "Stop it.. She's entitled to save it. John means a lot to her and you have no right over anything that has happened before yesterday." He had managed to get angry with her before even 24 hours had passed since she agree to marry him. They had always had a rather explosive relationship since they both had a bad temper. They often said a bit more than you should and took it way to far. That woman always managed to bring out all his good but bad sides and knew exactly what buttons she would push.

 

But he did not want to fight about this and definitely did not reveal that he had been in her nightstand. But it frightened him that he didn’t dare talk about some things right now because everything was so new and they were finally together again. He was afraid that if he picked up heavy subjects and they started to fighting, she would realize that they are too much together that it would never work. He almost hyperventilized at the idea that she would cancel their engagement. "No, I will not talk about that ... We'll enjoy each other and be happy." But he knew that the longer they put things on hold they would nevertheless end their "honeymoon" at some point. They were going to live with each other forever and he would have to take the bull by his horn and talk about what was on his mind. "But not today."

 

He made the bed and put their clothes on a chair at the corner and put on his shirt. He wanted to sit in the sun and write, after all, this was paradise.

  
  


Claire POV

 

"Claire Fraser .... Claire Beauchamp Fraser .... or should I be modern and keep my own name? No Claire Fraser! Mr & Mrs Fraser we can see you now ... haha " Claire sat the whole lunch and dreamed of weddings and surname and Jamie.

 

She had been on clouds on her way to work and, as a result she even let the girls see a movie instead reading on her first lesson so she could keep dreaming. Claire had said that she did not need a ring but when she looked at her empty hand, she secretly wanted that he would buy one anyway.

 

The whole day was fine until her colleague Alec, the same Alec she met in Australia, had questioned her engagement. "So you have not been together for two years and he flies here and he proposes and you say yes without blinking?"

 

"Ah well... yes but we love each other." She said surprise.

 

"Yes, absolutely based on what you have told me, you have love each other for several years, but have you talked about important thing? How would a marriage work when the foundation for a relationship is not there because you have not taken the time to build it? It ended for one reason and my opinion is that you have an extreme lack of communication and point of view. You cant see what you're doing wrong and then you bolt and he can not admit his mistakes and he stays behind...” Alec said and looked skeptical at her.

 

Claire just stared at him, how could her friend / colleague have gained such an understanding of her and Jamie's relationship. He haven’t even meet Jamie. Had she really talked so much about it that Alec could predict their future?

 

That they were impulsive people would make mess and not be able to solve it? That their bad habits would be repeated ... She had not thought about anything of this. Just because they were unhappy without each other didn’t mean they would be happy together. She thought her head  was about to explode.

 

"Kiki calm down! I just care about you. Everything can be great too! You love each other and seem to be drawn to each other no matter what situation you are in. Do not listen to me! ... when can I meet your future husband?” Alec said when he saw that Claire was freaking out.

 

When Claire came home Jamie had cleaned the whole house,The dirty dishes was removed and he had a vacuum the floor. Which really is absolutely unnecessary when you live in a house at the beach, the sand would come back in again soon. She found him down at the water with his laptop. He looked very focused, but it was difficult to take him seriously when he was wearing her big sun hat. She walked down and sat beside him. "Hey what are you doing?" she said and kissed his cheek.

 

"Writing, how's your day been?" Jamie answered and drew her back for a real kiss.

 

"It was fine. I see you have gone all in for the housewife role. "

 

"Hehe yes I've was writing but it was way too hot so I took a break and started cleaning."

 

"I can get used to this. Come home, kiss you and then everything is cleaned and the food is ready on the table. "

 

"Do not get used to the cleaning, but I would like to cook. Do not want to get food poisoned Haha "

 

"Once it happened ... but you maybe can cook tomorrow? Because I was going to invite a friend I want you to meet."

 

"Maybe we can go shopping after work tomorrow so can I fix something for your friend. I would have to pick up my suitcase and check out of my hotel, I suppose I live here now.” Jamie said and looked nervous at her.

 

"Yes, you are staying with me James Fraser. We can go later tonight and get it. Maybe we can even buy the food tonight, so I and Alec can come right after work. "

 

"Alec?"

 

"Yes, my colleague, he and I have known each other for a long time. He was the one who fixed the job for me at school." She saw that for a second he had reacted that her friend was a man but she did not want to address the fact because it did not matter it was her friend.

 

They had gone to Jamie's hotel and picked up his bag and then went food shopping. It was nice to see the fridge so full of proper food and ingredients, She liked having a man who appreciated good food.

 

"Jamie, I was thinking about a thing?"

 

"Aye?"

 

"What do you want to do now? You have sold the company and  your writing on your book, but is it all you want to do or do you have any plans? "

 

"I miss sitting in my office and working with people. But I think I want to be the author at the moment, not the boss. "

 

"You've always looked like a writer and you looked very cute in my hat and your glasses down there on the beach today. What are you writing on now? "

 

"Got a little idea I'm testing."

 

"May I read what you have written so far? What is it about?"

 

"You can read it when I've written more, at the moment there are only several cohesive chapters” He said and almost looked like he was blushing. “We should  eat. The heat here makes me constantly hungry”

 

 

Jamie cooked and Claire sat by the table next to him, still not the best at cooking, better as an audience.

 

I called Jenny today and told her we got engaged.” Jamie said while he cooked.

 

"What did she say?” Claire said and remembered she hadn’t called her parents yet.

 

"She was happy for us. Surprised but happy. "

 

"I was sure you would say she thought we where crazy haha.  It's the reaction I expect from my parents. I know they like you Jamie, but we've never really managed to get this to work before and they'll probably be worried."

 

"Are you worried?" He said carefully and looked at her.

 

"A little maybe ... I was not earlier today but I talked to Alec and he made me realize we might be a little impulsive.”

 

"This Alec seems to be a close friend? I don’t understand Claire, you wanted me to propose and now you starting to regret it?” Jamie said and looked away from her.

 

"No Jamie! I don’t regret but he is one of those few friends I have here. He meant nothing bad with it, just that we should talk about some things. "

 

"I've had the same conversation with myself all day and I'm afraid that when we go into those deeper subjects, we'll start to argue and I'm terrified you would want to end the whole thing."

 

"What do you want to talk about then?"  She said and smiled to reassure him that they didn’t need to argue but still he looked a little scared.

 

"I do not know if I want to stay here forever, I've always wanted my kids to grow up near Lallybroch.”

 

Jamies POV

 

Jamie hadn’t realized that he didn’t want to stay there until she had asked what he wanted to talk about. He could definitely stay there for a while with Claire but at some point he wanted to go home. He wanted all of their imaginary children and live in a big house in the same land where Lallybroch was. He wanted his and Jenny's children to play and grow up together.

  
  


"But this is my home now Jamie. I don’t want to move, I want to stay here.”

 

But he had promised Claire that he would do everything she wanted and he would keep his word but to never move home again, that thought made him sad.

  
  


"But maybe we can compromise? That we stay here until we decided to we want children and then move home?”

 

"So if I get pregnant now, I'll move in 9 months and leave everything here? My life is here Jamie .. My house and my students are here.” Claire said and beginning to sound angry, just as he had predicted.

 

"I said I would do everything you wanted and if you want to stay here we'll do it .. but you can you please just think about it."

 

"I do not want you to do everything I want Jamie, you also have things to say but you must understand that my life is here now and if you can’t fix it ... then maybe it's better to realize it now.”

 

"Claire if you want to stay here we'll do it." He said and he realized it was not worth staying anywhere else if she wasn’t there.

 

But when he went to bed that night, he dreamed of children, running around the meadows, Claire dressed in white and of Lallybroch.

 

Claire POV

 

When Jamie had fallen asleep and she listened to his light snores, she had thought about their conversation. "Children" She really wanted children, Every single one they talked about several years ago and now when they were together it was now an possibility.

 

Since Claire moved to Thailand sex wasn’t something she had and she stopped taking her pills. She was still young and if they decided to try to get pregnant in the future, that would probably be easy. But Claire wanted to wait, they clearly wasn’t ready and they needed to find each other again and get to know the new people they were now.

 

The next day, when Claire sat in Alec’s car on their way home, she felt nervous. The two men in life her life would meet. She felt that it seemed to be a repeating pattern she had and then she thought of John and mourned their lost friendship. But Alec was just a friend, they never had another relationship and she'd never saw him in another way.

 

When they got home, Jamie had set the table out on the porch and he stood in the kitchen and cooking. Jamie and Alec had greeted politely and shook hands, yet she could not miss the look Jamie gave him. "What are you cooking darling? Smells incredible.” Claire said and looked at the food he was cooking.

 

"I experimented a little and it became grilled Salmon in coconut sauce and a melon salad. Thought I take the custom where I am and do something experimental. "He looked proud of his creation then he kissed her on the cheek and returned to cooking.

 

Claire really had to take shower after her long day at work and left Jamie and Alec alone in the kitchen.

  
  


Jamie POV

 

"So how did you get to know each other?" Jamie asked Alec when Claire had left to take a shower.

 

"Found Kiki alone and wandering in Australia and then she followed me and my friends here."

 

"Kiki? So when Claire came back here you fixed a work for her?”

 

"Yes that’s my nickname on her. Yes she's a natural and I'm so glad I helped her find her calling. All the late nights I spent teaching her Thai was so fun.” Jamie stood with his back against Alec but he knew that Alec was trying to provoke him by talking about late late studying alone. He had taken a tougher grip on the knife when he chopped the vegetables but tried to ignore what Alec was saying. Claire was his.

 

"So you're from Thailand?" Jamie continued casually

 

"Yes, born and raised a mile away” Alec replied proudly.

 

Jamie and Alec talked about everything and nothing and the were polite, but Jamie understood that there was something with Alec that did not add up. He tried far too much to provoke him and when Claire came back from the shower he became a completely different person. Jamie did not like this, it felt like he wanted Jamie to get upset and get an outburst that Claire would see and use against him.

 

Their dinner was okay but he could not stop thinking about Alec, who sat next to Claire smiling all the time and how he had been in the kitchen. "You know Jamie, it’s thanks to Alec, my Thai is good, I have gone courses but speaking to someone who speaks fluent and having day to day conversations is so much better."

 

"Yes, he said so," he glanced at Alec, who just smiled at Claire.

 

"No, he did not like this at all," he thought.

 

When Alec finally went and they stood and washed the dishes together, Claire told him she thought Alec might be gay cause she never seen him with a girl.

 

"Oh, Claire, you're so blind .. You've never seen when a man is in love with you,"  Jamie though, and when they went to bed he made sure Claire was his and when she whispered "I love you Jamie, we will make it this this time."

 

He fell asleep with the knowledge that she was his.

  
  


Thailand began to grow on him. The two weeks had been wonderful, They had spent their evenings eating good food, talking on the porch and made love at night and the days she was home, they traveled around nearby and went to different places and swam in the ocean. He struggled but tried to write on his book when Claire was at school and he had even learned a little Thai. He started to see what Claire saw here and when his days to go home to Lallybroch to get his things came closer, Claire had taken a few days off. She wanted to show him her favorite places that were farther away.

 

They took the boat to the infamous Full Moon Party at Haad Rin Beach in Koh Pha Ngan. They had walked and went hiking and set out on the path from Thong Nai Pan to the perfect Bottle Beach.

 

Claire had said that one of the best night markets was in Thong Sala, the island's most important city, where they ate fresh, grilled squid, spicy papaya salad and wonderful rice with coconut and mango. And he understood why she didn’t want to leave

 

They had a perfect trip and when it was time for him to fly home they both had cried at the airport.

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Jamies Pov**

 

Jenny had picked him up at the airport when he landed in Scotland, and he told her how amazing they had in Thailand in the car. Jamie had a week before he was flying back again.

 

Everything looked the same at Lallybroch except that his sisters children had grown at least one meter each. Jamie had most of his stuff in a warehouse after selling his apartment, but most of them would be sold or thrown out and there was not much of Lallybroch's items that he needed to have so his week was going to be most enjoyable with Jenny, Ian and the kids and fix all the paperwork for his visa and move.

 

Given the time difference was 6 hours, Claire had already quit her job around the time he woke up and when she was going to sleep, it was at mid day for him. They talked a lot on the phone but both of them had things to so sometimes there was short talks. But they still managed to talk as much as they could.

 

Jamie had called Claire on Wednesday, the same week he came home and Alec had answered, He said that Claire was in the shower and would him call up later. Jamie had been furious but he played as politely as he always did to Alec, even though he hated him into his bones. 

 

Alec had been over for dinner a couple of times after the first one to talk to Claire and Jamie had left them alone to let them work and so he would not hit Alec every time he touched Claire.

 

She seemed ignorant of Alecs feelings and it made him feel better, he was never worried but he hated Alec and for Claires sake he would play along. So when Alec consciously answered her phone, he became crazy. 

 

"Jamie, if you're don’t let go off the phone it will break." Said his sister after his conversation with Alec and when Jamie explained the situation with Alec to Jenny, she had recommended him to talk to Claire but he knew she would never believe him, in her eyes he was an innocent friend, who was always so kind. But Claire never called him up that day.

  
  


Claire POV

 

One week without Jamie would feel like eternity. Their two weeks together had been better than she could ever imagine. They lived in their own little paradise and their future looked brighter. 

 

His face had gotten a lot of freckles from being in the sun and her new favorite hobby was to count them in the evenings they lay in bed and talked. Everything was so different this time, a new environment just seemed to make them stronger. They had talked about children and how it would be when it was their turn. Jamie wanted to have children as soon as possible but she wanted to wait a while.

 

They traveled in Thailand when they had vacant days and just being them. His new book seemed to flow but she had still did not read it. She had tried to read a little over his shoulder but did not really see anything. "A week will go by fast Claire, see you soon," he had said but a week in her big house as she realized what was far to big for herself was horrible, but when Alec offered to come and hang, it felt better.

 

"Kiki is dinner done soon?"

 

"Alec you know I'm not good at cooking, it takes its time ..” Claire answered annoyed when Alec asked for the third time.

 

"How are you and Jamie doing now?"

 

"It's fine, we are doing as you said. Taking our time and building a foundation on our new relationship. We have not really talked about a wedding yet but he said he would bring the ring with him from Lallybroch.” Claire answered and smiled if the thought of Jamie.

 

"That sounds good, but has he changed his mind about moving? He didn’t want to raise your children here.” 

 

"I think he has changed his mind."

 

"I heard him last week when he was talking on the phone and he told someone that he didn’t have to move his stuff from the store and that he had all the time to hang out." What Alec did not mention was that it was obvious that Jamie's conversation had meant were that Jamies was planning to sell or throw away most of his stuff, because there was no need to ship furniture to Thailand.

 

"Well that’s a bit strange ..."

 

"Maybe he would want to save all the stuff in the storages in chase if you moved back."

 

"He wouldn’t do that, he knows I’m staying here." She said as confident as she chould but a sead if doubt began to grow inside of her.

 

The next day, Jamie had told her,  it had been some problems with his paperwork and with his visa application so Jamie needed to stay a few days extra in Scotland. She had asked worried , "You're coming back right?" And he had spent the rest of their conversation convincing her that as soon as everything was ready he would sit on first and best flight back, to her.

 

**Jamie POV**

 

But after two weeks, Jamie could not understand how his paper still was not ready, until Claire told him that Alec's cousin was working on the embassy and would try to help.

But he knew that that said cousin must be the reason why his paper did not go through in the first place. And for every day that went, he heard how insecure Claire was on the phone and he tried to assure her that he was missing her and wanted to come home.

  
  


Four weeks later and Jamie paper had still not gone through and this whole situation began to be ridiculous. He was going to call Claire today, and tell her that the one who obviously lay behind this was Alec. 

 

She had laughed at him and said that he sounded crazy. "Okay, if you do not believe me, try this one ... tell Alec that because I can’t come to Thailand, you'll go to Scotland until everything's resolved." He said and was getting angry that she laughed at was obviously the truth, Claire had after a while taken him seriously. Now he just had to wait.

 

"You might just let it be Jamie?" His sister said when he ended his call with Claire.

 

"Let what be Jenny?"

 

"All the trouble to fix the papers? If it doesn’t work then she'll have to move here. "

 

"No, I'll fix this!" he said and looked angry at his sister for proposing he would lie to Claire.

 

"How are you going to fix this? It's a whole embassy that working against you..you want her to come home to Scotland” 

 

"It's not a whole embassy but one man. It does not matter what I've wanted! I want to be where Claire feels happy and it's in Thailand Jenny! Let it be, I'm solving this now.” Jamie said and ignored the look of disapproval his sister gave him.

 

It took exactly 2 days after his conversation with Claire before Jamie sat on a plane, on his way home to Claire.

  
  
  


**Claire POV**

 

Jamie was finally on his way home and were landing in a few hours, Claire was so happy she felt like she would crack. There was only one problem left she needed to take care of, Alec.

 

Jamie had been right, when Claire called Alec and told him that she was thinking about flying home to Scotland, he even become a bit aggressive. “You can’t go Claire..." Alec said on the phone, sounding stressed.

 

"What do you mean I can’t go? I don’t want to sit here waiting for Jamie ... I'm sure when I get there we can solve everything and ..."

 

"But it is obvious that he down want to come back. Stay!” Alex Interrupted her and she hung up.

 

Jamie called early in the morning, the day after and said his paper had miraculously appeared again and she finally understood where the problem had been. Claire felt so stupid that she spent several of weeks being with Alec and thought that Jamie was the one who delayed the papers on purpose. Claire had called and invited Alec and said they would celebrate Jamie homecoming, But really she was going to confront him.

 

Alec looked different as if he had slept badly when he came to her house that night and Claire felt a bit ill at ease that she was going to confront him and began wishing that she had not choose her own home as a meeting place.

 

She couldn’t say why, but the man who stood in front of her in her house did not resemble her friend at all. Claire started nervously looking for the capsule opener so she could open his beer. "So Jamie is on the plane now?" Alec said behind her.

 

"Yes, he should land soon.” She said and gave him his beer, she started to think how she was going to ask him.

 

"Hmm"

 

"Alec ... did you have something to do with Jamies paperwork?" He did not answer just continuing drinking his beer.

 

"Why would you do that? I thought you were my friend? You know how sad I've been that Jamie was gone.” She said irritated, talking his silence as confirmation.

 

"I know how sad you were when he hurt you time after time. When he chose to lie and disappoint you. I would never do that.” Alec said calmly.

 

"It does not matter you had no right to ...."

 

"I love you Claire, dont you see that!!!"Alec interrupted her. " I would never do what he did to you..”

 

"You dont even realize that you have already done so when you chose to keep us in apart ..." she said and she looked at her friend disappointed

 

"Who was there to pick up the pieces after what he did to you?" 

 

"I appreciate everything you've done for me and your friendship Alec, you know that!" He walked closer to her and grabbed her arm hard.

 

"Alec what are you doing? Stop!” Claire tried to get away. “It hurts! Let me go!" she screamed but Alec let go, but took a harder grip. 

 

He started dragging her into her bedroom, The panic began to come and she tried to get get away. "Claire, you'll see that we belong to each other." Alec whispered over and over again. 

 

Claire started to beat him with her other arm when they were standing in her room and she managed to pull the other one free. She looked at him terrified and was desperately thinking what she where going to to.

 

Alec stood with his back to the door and Claire knew she had to do something drastically to get past him. She started looking for something to grab and to use as a weapon, but he saw what she was doing and he was faster, managed to throw himself on her m before she got an hold on anything.

 

They rolled around on the floor, she was  desperately trying to get away. Alec took a hold of her hair, dragged her back and hit her hard on the jaw, then once more right next to her eye. The pain caused her to stop, she could feel that she was bleeding. She looked up at Alec and she couldn’t stop crying.

 

The panic got bigger and she thought she were going to die and Alec was sitting on top of  her and whispered "I’m sorry" and she managed to stop crying and whispered back.

 

"Why are you doing this?"

 

"Can not you see how much I love you !!"

 

"Why do you hurt me then? This is not love! Jamie is coming home soon, you can not stay here forever” She hoped that he was going to get scared and leave.

 

"He is not coming...” Alec said and his dark eyes looked like they were completely black like an demon, He was not her friend anymore. 

 

When Alec  kicked her, Claire thought that the smartest thing she could do was play along with his insanity, she tried to make him believe she wanted to leave Jamie for him.

 

He had not believed her at the beginning and instead became angry and accused her of her lying . She had pulled her hand gently on his face so calmly and cautiously as she could and kissed him while she forced away her tears that ran out of fear and sadness of what might have happened to Jamie. The panic that nobody would come or could hear her was just below the surface. Even her neighbor was far enough away and if she could escape, she would never get so far without being caught.

 

Alec took her to bed and she started to imagine the worst but he just held her and cried. "We belong together Claire"

 

"Yes, Alec." She responded so lovingly she could.

 

A few hours later, Alec had fallen asleep, and Claire layed next to him, with her eyes shut and pretended to sleep and listened until she heard him snoring. His arm was still hard around her waist and she tried to gently loosen his arm. It took a while, each time she moved, and he took a new grip on her and when she finally got out of the bed she began to crawl out of the room. Every step hurt after the kick he had put in her stomach a few hours earlier. 

 

She needed to get to the kitchen where her phone was, she needed to call for help.

 

Claire didn’t dared to turn on the lights so she crawled around in the kitchen searching for the phone. She couldn’t find it and the panic started coming back when she suddenly heard footsteps. She started to think what she would do and when he rounded the corner of the kitchen, Claire stabbed him with the kitchen knife and then she ran out to the porch and down the stairs to the beach. 

 

"CLAAIREEE" Alec screamed after her and when her feet touched the sand she realize she would never make it to her neighbor. She looked back and saw that Alec was stumbling down the stairs, so she ran, into the water and swam under the surface as far as she could. 

 

When she got up again, She saw him walking with the same bloody kitchen knife she stabbed him with in his hand and as he climbed into the water and under the surface, the horror set in.

  
  


When the plane was about to land in Thailand, Jamie felt relieved, it was just matter of an hour or so before he was reunited with Claire again. When the lights to take off the seat belt began to flash, Jamie flew out of his chair to take his bag and began to get of the plane. When Jamie came to the security checkpoint, he started to feel  that something was not right and just moments later there were men who drew him to a room. 

  
  


No one told him why they had taken him into custody. They spoke Thai and probably waited for an interpreter to come and talk to him. Jamie had no suspicious in his bag so he assumed it was about something else.

 

When the interpreter came, she told Jamie that they had recived an anonymous call, saying that Jamie had smuggled something into the country and that they were going to hold him until they found it and that he were at high risk of going to jail. 

 

He was entitled to one call and the only number he had in his head that could possibly have enough influence and understanding was John.

  
  


Jamie had got an hold on John and managed to explain the whole story, without him hanging up the phone and John promised that he would do all he could to help Jamie out and call Claire to tell her where Jamie was. It was impossible to know how long he had been in that room, but for every person who came in and talked to him, spoke in a language he did not understand, he became more and more pissed off. 

 

He even had been close to become violence when the interpreter had said that they needed to do a body search. But Jamie realized that all he could do if he wanted to come out was to obey. 

 

When they finally released him, he didn’t know if it was thanks to John or that they did couldn’t find anything. But he didn’t want to question why they let him go, he just wanted to get to Claire as soon as possible.

 

As Jamie approached Claire’s house, he saw police cars and ambulances and that the house was surrounded with yellow lines “crime scenes do not cross”. 

 

The panic he received caused him to get out of the taxi before it even stopped and when the policeman stopped Jamie when he tried to get inside, he started screaming, trying to explain with the few words he knew that it was his house but they refused to let him go . 

 

When he saw the bodybag everything went black.

 

Jamie woke up on the ground. Probably where he had fainted. He was far too big for someone to move him. Jamie turned his head,  saw the door and he remembered what had happened. The bodybag that showed wet dark hair and he knew that Claire was dead.

 

Claire is dead? Jamie couldn’t stop thinking about her and repeated it in his head until it ended up from being a question to confirmation. Claire is dead.

 

Jamie wanted to scream at this god-given country where nobody seemed to understand English. The ambulance man hadn’t understood him, just shook his head and touched his shoulder, he seemed to understand that he had lost someone. 

 

Jamie sat on the ground again and cried for the loss of the love of his life.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4 more chapters then it’s done!❤️


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry I never got the time to make this story better. I completely understand if you can’t read it because of all the mistakes.

**Present. One month later.**

  
  
  


“Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

  
  


Jamie sat by the gravestones, just outside Lallybroch when he thought back to that horrible day when he sat outside Claire's house in Thailand. 

 

All the people who moved around him and the buzzing sound when his phone called, the screen that showed John's name.

 

"I never got a hold on Claire, are you out of the airport? Jamie I checked out that Alec and he is wanted in Australia for abuse and persecution on at least five different women. He seems dangerous Jamie. You need to get to Claire.” John said in the phone, sounding hysterical.

 

"It's too late John, I came too late.” Jamie said, still on the ground.

 

"Jamie ... what are you saying?"

 

"She's dead."

 

John continued talking but Jamie seemed to lose his hearing and he just stared out towards the road. 

 

What attracted his attention was when he heard her voice. Jamie thought he was getting crazy, but when he looked up there she was. Claire was running with a blanket wrapped around her and he barely picked up his arms before she had thrown herself into his arms.

 

"Jamie. You're here!!!" “Claire said said as she held on for dear life.

 

Jamie still couldn’t believe it, he cried and whispered "You’re alive, I thought you were dead.”

 

“God, I thought you were dead.” He whispered again and she held on tighter.

 

As after what felt like hours, Claire lifted her head and looked at him. 

 

"Bring me home Jamie, take me home to Lallybroch."

 

So when Jamie sat by his parents gravestones and thought back to the worst day of his life, he prayed to God and thanked him for Claire's survival.

  
  


**One month earlier.**

  
  


When Claire sat at her neighbors house, She told the police that Alec had attacked her and that she managed to escape. Then she told them that Alec had swam after her with the knife she had stabbed him with. 

 

Claire told them she had started swimming longer and further out while he was swimming after her, but it seemed that his injury made him to tired and when Claire turned around again, she saw that Alec had stopped swimming and then she saw when he slowly sank down into the water.

 

Alec never came back to the surface again and after a long time Claire dared to swim to land and she ran straight over to her neighbor and she stayed there until the police had arrived.

 

Alec's body had drifted ashore and Claire saw when they carried him away from the beach.

 

She wondered where Jamie was and she was terrified that Alec managed to do something to him before he came to her house that night.

 

The policemen all agreed that it had been self-defense and they let her go. As she began to walk over to her own house, Claire saw Jamie in front of  her house on the ground and she ran all until she jumped in his arms.

 

"Jamie ... you're here!!" she said while Jamie whispered over and over "you're alive" and with relief that Jamie was safe and to hold him again, Claire cried until she had no tears left and then  she asked him to take her out of there and take her home, to Lallybroch.

 

Claire never walked into that house again, Jamie had gotten inside and packed their things and then they had gone straight to the airport and got on the first flight home to Scotland.

 

The first few days, Claire had nightmares and she dreamed that she was drowning. Each time when she woke up, sweating and crying Jamie comforted her, all night until she fell asleep again. 

 

He never let her go.

 

Each new day was better than the one before and Claire managed to get out of Jamie's room. She either sat with Jenny, playing with her kids with Jamie right next to her or she accompanied Jamie out to the stable when he convinced her to get some air and she watched when Jamie took care of their horses. 

 

Claire’s parents came by and when Claire told them the story of Alec and what he did, Claire saw her father cry for the first time. Her mother was hugging Jamie, who also were crying and they all were relieved that she had survived.

  
  


Every day Claire stayed at Lallybroch, the more she could see why Jamie had wanted to live and raise their future children there. Her soul seemed to heal there.

 

One day after Jamie had been visiting his parents graves he found Claire sitting in the kitchen watching Jenny cocking.

 

"Claire, I want to show you a place." Jamie said and Claire could see that he had been crying.

 

"Okay, are we going to take the car?" she answered nervously but relaxed when he smiled.

 

"I thought we would ride there! And before you say anything about your riding skills, you don’t need to worry. We’ll ride together at Donas.” Jamie said and smiled again over her confused expression.

 

They rode far into Fraser land and Claire was  thinking how beautiful and peaceful it was. Jamie was behind her at Donas and she felt safe again. Alec was dead and she had Jamie. 

 

When Donas finally stopped, Claire only saw a empty field, a place near the water,. Jamie jumped down from Donas and then he helped her down. Jamie looked at her and smiled.

 

"We have arrived."

 

"What am I looking at?" Claire asked confused and looked around.

 

"I am going to build you our home here." 

  
  


Jamie didn’t kidding when he said  _ he _ was going to build the house. Claire just thought he had meant that he would hire people who were going to build the house for them. 

 

Jamie is an fantastic, great artist but it's more about writing with words, not with tools. Jamie had spent hours drawing the blueprints and Claire had to admit that she was impressed with the house he was going to build for her. Her father and Ian had offered to help and Jamie told Claire that when he met John a few days ago, Even John had also offered to come and help. 

 

Claire had neither talked nor met John since the day he left their old apartment. But John and Jamie had seen each other a couple of times after they came home from Thailand, Claire hadn’t been feeling so good and chose to stay at Lallybroch when they met. She knew that it was thanks to John that Jamie managed not to be wrongly accused of smuggling. But meeting John for the first time made her nervous, regardless of Jamie saying he had moved on and started forgiving them.

 

“One step at a time Claire" Jamie had said about meeting John. “The first step is to meet him and talk and then see where it leads.” Claire had been surprised that Jamie was so understanding but she knew that after the whole Alec insisted Jamie was a changed man, everything he wanted was she was happy and everything in their past was just that, the past.

 

Jamie had said,  that John and Claire needed to talk, he suggested they should grab a coffee alone to get it over with before John would come over and help build their house.

 

Claire had John's engagement ring in her pocket and waited nervously at the table, at the place they decided to meet. She had already ordered coffee for herself when John arrived. He gave her a long hug and kissed her on cheek before he sat down, that calmed her nerves a bit. 

 

They spoke a bit neutral about his job and he told her that he had been involved in an accident that was very mild but made him unable to work for a while, so when Jamie had told him he was going to build their house, it seemed like the perfect distraction until John was able to start working again. 

 

"Claire .. It wasn’t easy when we ended it and I was so angry. but when I  spoke to Jamie and I thought you'd died” John said and She could see the tears coming down his face. “It was as all the anger disappeared and the only thing I was thinking about was how much I missed my friend.” John said and Claire wanted to throw herself over him, relieved that he had forgiven her. 

 

“I really want to try, to be friends” 

 

Claire took out the ring he had given her and she placed it on the table. "Yes I would like that John, one step at a time.” She started to cry. 

 

John took the ring, looked at it and took Claire’s hands in his.

 

They even laughed about old memories and she was surprised that John seemed genuinely happy for her and Jamie and he joked and said that he expected an invitation to the wedding. He already had a date in mind.

 

Jamie picked her up after her meeting with John, they were going to go look at paint. Claire was the one who got to choose what color their future house would have. 

 

While at the store, Jamie got annoyed at least four times over her choices and they had started to fight over it. They ended up leaving the store without any color at all and when they sat in the car, Jamie realized that he might have taken it a bit to far in the store but she had chosen extremely terrible colors and she couldn’t realize it herself. 

 

Claire had insisted that she would drive the car and he knew it was because she usually wanted to take out her anger by driving too fast and she knew that it annoyed him. Jamie began to talk a little about the weather to try and ease up the mood, but Claire responded short and showed that she was still irritated.

 

Almost home at Lallybroch and Claire where talking about something and she was obvious still irritated at him, but Jamie thought he would ease up the mood little bit more. 

 

Jamie's hand slowly moved over to her thighs and made small circles on her skin and she started to smile a little. He continued his journey encouraged by her reaction and saw that her face began to assume a light red shade on her cheeks as his hands wandered up towards her panties, he felt they were thin laced ones. 

 

They had barely had sex since they came back to Scotland after what had happened with Alec and with all the children and Jenny who seemed to be at every corner. but now In the car, alone, his cock got hard when he just thought of her. 

 

Jamie massage her over her panties and felt that she was almost pushing her body against his hand, she wanted more. He felt how her panties get wet through her fabric and she started to moan. Luckily the road was wide and there was no risk of crashing yet. He moved his hand under the fabric and gently inserted one finger. He just wanted to tease her but when she drastically turned the car into a small road and turned of the car, he saw how her eyes sparked of excitement.

 

Claire took off her seat belt, jumped directly over on his knees and she tried to get of his pants, but it was way too crowded and she got annoyed, opened the passenger door and got out. She pulled her panties down while trying to pull him out out the car. "Claire, we'll never fit in the car.” Jamie said and laughed.

 

"We dont have to sit in the car Jamie." She said with a seductive smile.

 

They were parked secluded but not sufficiently separated, that if you turned off the main road you would definitely see them and Jamie could hear all the cars that passed by.

 

"What if someone see us Claire? Last thing I want is somebody to come when I'm about to come "

 

"Then you'll have to be quick about it ..." then her stomach was against the car and she pulled up her dress. There she was almost naked with her ass out in the open. Jamie wanted  have liked to do much more with her, but when she stood there, waiting for him, he could not hold himself so he pulled down the zipper and he fucked against the car. 

 

It didn’t last for long, they heard how a car was coming and he pulled out his cock and they pretended to look at their  car like something was broken. As the car passed, he laughed so hard tears ran down his face.

 

Back at Lallybroch, they had not really got finish what they had begun and Ian had insisted on telling him that his uncle had sent over wood that were going to their house and that it would come at any time and that they needed to go and unload it from the truck. Jamie really wanted to get started with the house but just at that moment he had thought to do all sorts of things with his soon to be wife. Jamie sighed and they jumped into the car and drove to meet Ian's uncle.

 

Jamie knew that he had taken water over his head to build the house himself, but he had agreed to hire someone who would fix the electricity and the water. Claire's exact words had been "James Fraser, you do not touch the electricity if you do then the whole house to burn down to the ground."

 

It had been dark outside and they had definitely missed dinner. Tired, sweaty and hungry, he drove back to Lallybroch. Once in the house all the lights were of and Jamie went up the stairs to their room. He opened carefully to not wake Claire if she was sleeping. But it was not snoring he met when he opened the door but small noises.

 

Even though it was dark in the room, he could distinguish Claire in his bed and he saw that her eyes closed. He walked gently towards the bed and saw that she was touching herself. 

 

He really didn’t want to disturb her and he couldn’t stop looking at her. Her breathing became heavier and heavier and his cock became hard just to see her touching herself. He dragged his hand over his pants and his cock was trying to push out his pants of arousal. 

 

Claire started to increased her speed and he could hear she was close. Carefully, he clutched his pants and began to rub himself as he looked at her. When she was about to come, she opened her eyes, she became a little scared when she saw him standing next to the bed but she said nothing except just pulled of the blanket of so that he could see her.

 

Claire looked him into his eyes and she challenged him to continue. He was a bit embarrassed when he came all over the floor, but Claire just smiled, went up out of the bed and kissed him. "Did everything go okey today?"

 

"Aye, we're starting to build tomorrow." Jamie said and smiled.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Present. 2017**

 

**July**

 

Jamie and the guys had begun with the house and they were busy with laying the foundation with cement. Claire didn’t know anything about building houses so she stayed away. But after spending weeks in and out at Lallybroch she was starting to feel restlessness and bored, She was ready to start working again. 

 

There were two schools nearby she where going to apply to, Leoch Elementary and Fort William High, Both of them seemed interesting. At Leoch, Jamie's uncle Colum Mackenzie was the principal and according to Jenny, he was a kind but stubborn man and she said that if Claire chose to start working there he would certainly argue and question everything she did. At Fort William there was a Jonathan Randall who was the principal. Claire wondered if this Jonathan had a distant connection with her ex boyfriend Frank Randall. 

  
  


Claire called Jamie and said that she was going out on a small expedition, to check out the schools she were going to apply to. Jamie offered to come with her, but she needed to do this alone, she wasn’t scared anymore. Everything that had happened with Alec was starting to feel like a dream and she were moving on.

 

Claire knew that the schools in Scotland were different from the once in Thailand and she could not help to miss her old students when she thought of starting to work again. But she was sure she would find the right school.

 

Claire wandered around outside the schools, looking at the architecture and Both schools where intriguing and she decided that she needed meet both of the principals to make a decision. But it was something in her head that was distracting her.

 

The first interviews was with Jamie's uncle Colum. Claire understood exactly what Jenny had meant, Colum had an opinion about every curriculum and idea she had for her future students, He thought her way was too "cute” but she ignored his insulting opinions and played nice, after all they were soon going to be family. 

 

The second Interview at Fort William was strange,  she didn’t even meet the chief executiv principal as she had thought she would, but met their vice-principal Jeremy Foster. He was a very nice man and when he told her of their school, it almost sounded perfect, Jeremy liked her plans for the school year and said if she wanted the job, it was hers. Without thinking about anything more, Claire took the job at Fort William High, she was going to start the following week.

 

"Congratulations Claire, We have to celebrate this!" Jamie said enthusiastic and he suggested that they should go out to dinner and celebrate. Jamie really wanted to enjoy their last days before she started working and due to Jamie's new profession was being an author again, he wrote whenever he wanted and that would give him more time building their house when Claire was in school.

 

At the restaurant they talked about the future. "So we are going to build the house before winter and then have our wedding in spring? It sounds like a stressful year ahead of us, don’t you think?” Claire said after Jamie had told her his plans. 

 

"We dont have to stress Claire, if you want to postpone the wedding…” Jamie said and Claire interrupted him. “No, I don’t want to postpone it,  I was just thinking about you how much work you have with the house in front of you.” 

 

"I really don’t mind it Claire, I love that I am building our future home, For you and our children.” Jamie said and reached out his hand over the table and took hers in his. “Little hard work has never hurt anyone.”

 

"Haha don’t say that! Ian told me that he almost lost his leg yesterday” Claire said and thought of what he had said about their future children.

 

"He's just clumsy...”

 

“So you are certain it will be done until spring? I love your sister but I’m longing for privacy.” Claire said and took a sip of her water.

 

“I’m sure that the house is ready to live in around spring and then we can get married without any problems.” Jamie said and smiled.

 

"You know Jamie, we don’t have to finish the house first, we can get married anyway.” 

 

“The house is like a wedding present, I really want to finish it first.”

 

“And children?" Claire asked carefully.

 

"You wanted to wait, so we’ll wait until you have worked for a while like you said. It will come when it comes.”

 

Jamie didn’t seem to pay attention and based on her choice to drink was alcohol-free that night, Claire already guessed it was quite soon, she was already two days late.

  
  


Three days later and Claire had her first day at Fort William High, it went as she had expected. These children were around 14 years old and they where much older than the kids she had worked with before. So they all had the typical teenage attitude. Claire presented herself  and ignored the comments she got from some of the boys. She was their new English teacher and she had been nervous all day but at the end of the lesson she was very pleased with her performance, even the teenage boys seemed to accept and like her.

 

Claire still thought it was strange that she hadn’t met principal Randall yet, she had assumed that he would have called her to his office to at least introduce himself, but she hadn’t heard a word. But her colleagues seemed nice and she meet everyone one by one during the day. She met the History teacher Murdina Bug during her lunch and Mrs Bugs told her that her husband was the janitor at the school and even though they had been married for 20 years, they still were as happy at the end of the day after working together. Claire loved the older woman right away and but Claire's biggest thought that day was that she was now five days late and she needed to buy a pregnancy test, she was pretty sure she was pregnant. 

 

Claire didn’t feel bad as she expected to do when you were pregnant, she had no sore breast or had developed any super sense of smell. But her body couldn’t lie? Her period was late. She had to be pregnant? 

 

Claire hadn’t told Jamie yet about her suspicions, She didn’t want him to take anything in advance and she hadn’t really managed to process it herself. Claire wanted to wait until she could show him a positive test result. When her last lesson ended, Claire went to the parking lot, got into her car and drove to the pharmacy.

 

Inside the pharmacy, she just stood there for a long time, just looking at the shelves and tried to choose. Should she take the cheapest one or those with digital screen showing what week you are in or take the one who showed a smile if it was positive. 

 

_ This is ridiculous! _ Claire thought and she took one of each. The man at the checkout probably was used to hysterical women who thought they were pregnant and just smiled when she placed all the test a the counter. 

 

In the car Claire nervously drummed on the wheel as she turned into the road to Lallybroch. She was relieved that everyone seemed to be out and she almost ran upstairs to the bathroom. The packaging said you would have to wait  5 minutes before the results showed on the test. Claire peed in a cup, dipped all the tests and then she put them all in a row on the floor. 

 

"4 minutes left." She didn’t know if she wanted the tests to be positive or negative. She just wanted to know.

 

"Three minutes left." She looked at one of the cheaper tests she had bought that one had already a check mark that showed that they were working and she got nervous.

 

"Two minutes left." She was staring at the test but got scared when it knocked on the door. “Auntie Claire, I have to go to the toilet." She heard little Ian shout outside.

 

“One minute left," she whispered for herself, but Ian shouted higher and higher. Claire sighed , collected all the tests and put them in the laundry basket and she went out to let the boy go to the bathroom.

 

Claire stood outside and waited, he'd been in  there for a while. "Ian is everything okey?"

 

"You do not have to wait for me auntie," he shouted back.

 

Claire sighed he was right, it didn’t help that she was standing there so she went down to the kitchen to drink water and calm herself down, but all she thought was that there were FIVE tests upstairs that had a complete result by now. They either showed one or two marks, a smiley face, a sad face or the digital one that said pregnant or not pregnant. She impatiently walked back and forth in the kitchen and when Claire heard the toilet door open, she ran a little too eagerly to the toilet and closed the door behind her.  She took a deep breath, opened the basket and she lifted the shirt she had placed over the tests.

 

Two marks, a smiley face and the digital one that clearly stood pregnant.

 

"Pregnant, I'm pregnant." She whispered and the little feeling in her stomach she had felt all day was relief.

 

She didn’t want to admit to herself how much she really wanted this, so she had been netrual not to be disappointed if it had been negative. Claire tried to count in her head and because her period had been irregular, it was a bit difficult, but in early March 2018 it seemed about right. “God we are going to have a baby” she said to herself.

 

Claire began to think about her new job at Fort William High, how they might not appreciate that she would disappeared when she just had started. She thought about how she would tell Jamie, It was about two hours left before he was coming home.

  
  


The house was finally started to resemble a house, with the foundation all set and the stems up, he was really proud of their progress. Claires Dad was very helpful, he came every day and Henry had taken his neighbor with him, Mr Bishop was a construction worker and he spent the day double-checking their work. And he told him they was on the right path but didn’t believe that the five of them would have the house done by the time Jamie had wanted.

 

Ian was mostly always in the way, he stumbled across the tools at least twice a day and did more wrong than right. But Jamie needed all the help he could get, he would happily get the house ready as soon as possible so they could be alone. There was always someone who was bothering them or knocking on the door once they had started. Jamie missed the time when they were alone in Thailand but he was glad that they where home in Scotland, but he wished they had chose to go home because they wanted to, instead of what had happened with Alec. He felt worried for Claire all the time and she assured him that she was fine but he could see that she was struggling sometimes and he felt that the only thing he could do was to finish the house for her. A new start, just the two of them.

 

John had been extremely good with building the house and he always seemed to know what he would do. It took a little bit of Jamie's self-confidence that John had the knowledge of building houses, but Jamie knew that he had spent more time reading as child than being out with his father, fixing things when they broke down on Lallybroch. His father Brian never cared, but right now Jamie wished he had.

 

Jamie was completely done when they finished for the day, Jenny had come by with dinner for them earlier, so today he could just go upstairs and go to sleep straight away, Jamie couldn’t even think about taking a shower today. Claire was still awake when he came into the room and she sat up, reading. He took off his clothes as he moved to the bed and then he threw himself on the pillow. His eyes almost closed automatically by fatigue. "Jamie?" Claire said.

 

"Aye?"

 

"I thought we might get married now instead?"

 

"Now? Why?” Jamie asked confused, eyed still closed.

 

"I don’t need a big wedding and I think if we get married in the spring, I won’t fit the dress I want.” She sounded extremely cheerful.

 

"Why wouldn’t you fit your dress?" He was too tired to even question her and now wasn’t the right time to plan a wedding. But when it hit him, Jamie sat up, looked at her and said again.

 

"Why are not you going to fit in your dress?"

 

Claire smiled, turned over and she pulled something out of the night table. " _ We _ will not fit, the dress isn’t big enough for  _ two _ ." 

 

Then she showed him the tests. The one with two marks, the one with a smiley face and the digital that clearly stood pregnant.

 

Jamie couldn’t stop watching the tests.

 

"Are you happy Jamie?"

 

"Aye Sassenach, I'm very happy !!" Jamie said and kissed her, over and over again.

 

They talked for about an hour after Claire revealed that she was pregnant, she wanted to get married before she got too big and she told him all about her worries about telling her boss that she might need to take her leave soon. Jamie was delighted that they would have a baby, but the stress of finishing the house became even bigger and he decided to hire a construction firm, he needed help.

 

"Jamie?" Claire whispered, not sure if he had fallen asleep.

 

"What is Claire?"

 

"If it's a boy, I hope he looks exactly like you.” Jamie placed Claire closer, kissed her and they fell asleep in each other’s arms. Jamie dreamt of laughing children and Claire dressed in white.

 

Claire had an early morning and was already gone when Jamie woke up, He had two things to do today, call someone who could help him build the house and he wanted to tell his sister about Claire.

 

Jenny started to cry when Jamie told her that Claire was pregnant, she was almost jumping around the house, she felt the same the joy Jamie felt of getting his getting his own family. But still the worry about how early the pregnancy was still in his head, Jenny had her three healthy children but she also had a miscarriage behind her. Jamie remembers all to well how Jenny’s water had gone in the middle of her pregnancy and the daughter that had not survived. It was their first child and she was burried in the grave next to their parents. They had experienced to much, he was scared that they would have more unluck. He tried to imagine Claire, late in her pregnancy, her breast full of milk, her big stomach with a few stretch marks and he prayed to God. "Let her be safe, she and the child."

 


	22. Chapter 22

> **August.**

 

Claire was relatively early in her pregnancy but still she felt better than she had expected. Her job at Fort Williams was going fine, her students realized she was a good teacher and they usually behaved during her lessons.

 

Jamie had hired a company that where going to help out with the house but he was still there and helped as much as possible. He was constantly concerned about her pregnancy and he  insisted that she had to stop working and start unwinding. She had tried to explain that she was still in the early stages and that it is not dangerous to work until a few weeks before the baby was due. 

 

What made him finally calm down was when her mother, who worked as a midwife had come by and talk to him.

 

"Jamie, I understand you only care about Claire but you smothering her. I usually say to the soon-to-be dads that there is 3 steps a woman often goes through  1. Expectation of the slowly growing stomach. 2. The excitement over the baby’s size and feeling the kicking for the first time. 3. The Exhaustion at the end. But there is always a constant concern and worries throughout about the baby’s wellbeing and it does not help that you stress her out.” Julia said as she and Jamie was outside, taking a walk around Lallybroch.

 

“I know you are right Julia. I just have this feeling…” jamie answered and looked concerned to his mother-in-law.

 

“But the most important thing I say is that this will be the happiest adventure you have before baby comes and you will want it to be a happy time. I am going to be here Jamie, don’t worry.”

 

He had listen, more and more he started to relax and began to enjoy all the changes is in her pregnancy.

 

**September.**

 

Claire was on her way home to pick up Jamie, she had a surprise for Jamie in the backseat. She had been with Malva, one of the workers who was building their house. They had been out shopping for paternity clothes for Claire and they stopped at the children’s department. They didn’t yet know what the sex of the baby was but she had bought baby clothes for the first time. She had found this super cute body with the text; I love daddy. She was going to give it to him after their ultrasound. It was their first real one and she had been excited all day. Jamie was standing outside Lallybroch, waiting for her and he seemed equally excited as her when they were of to the hospital. 

 

Her mother was already standing in the waiting room when they came. “I am sorry we are late mum.” Claire said apologetic and hugged her. They went into one of the rooms and Julia asked her to lay down.

 

“Carebear, this is going to be a little cold.” Julia said as she put the gele on her stomach. Jamie sat bestide her, holding her hand and they watched when the screen light up. Her mother stopped moving and looked shocked.

 

“What is it?” Jamie asked anxious when he saw his mother in law freeze up and that she was crying. 

 

“It seems..” Julia said and wiped away her tears and smiled “You are expecting twins.”

 

“Twins??” Claire and Jamie said at the same time.

 

“Haha here is baby number one.” Julia said and moved the stick and showed them. “And here is baby number two.” Claire just stared at the screen, she didn’t realized she was crying until Jamie kissed her hand and they started to laughed.

 

“Oh god. twins.” Jamie said and Claire just thought of the body she had bought earlier, she needed to buy one more.

 

**October.**

 

Claire was now pregnant about 4 months. She was at Fort William High and she had just told principal Jonathan Randall that she would have to take maternity leave around February. It was the third time since she started at Fort William she met him and she hated every second she spent at his office. He hadn’t said anything inappropriate or even raised his voice, but his tone showed extreme dissatisfaction. 

 

Claire had told him a month earlier, the day after their ultrasound that she was pregnant and since then Mr Randall had ordered her to work overtime on being the supervisor at detention and he gave her more paperwork than any other teacher. Her new colleague Joe Abernathy, the gym teacher, had become a friend and often stayed to help and keep her company.

 

Claire was so done at the end of that day and when she came home, she was not at all in the mood to listen to Jamie about neither the house nor the upcoming wedding, she just wanted to sleep.

 

“One week left for the wedding Sassenach and Jenny have remade your dress so that it will fit yet  _ again _ and she wonder if you can test it.”

 

“Jamie please, I have to sleep. Can we do this tomorrow?” Claire said and closed her eyes.

 

"Claire, we have postponed the wedding  _ twice _ now, we have to take the time.” Jamie said and he sounded irritated.

 

"But dont you understand anything!!” Claire screamed at him. “I'm completely exhausted, my feet hurts, it's finally Friday and I need to sleep.” Her irritation grew every time he spoke.

 

"I know you're tired Claire. But we have a gap for the first time and I’m trying to fix everything before and you're working all the time. I would put on the dress myself if I thought it helped.” He was trying to remain calm but she could see that he wanted to scream in frustration too.

 

"Maybe we shouldn’t get marry at all until the babies has arrived..” she said low.

 

"I know you do not mean that Claire…” 

 

"Yes.. no… I dont know ... it feels like we are going to be on our way to church and Randall will call me and force me to go to work.” Claire said and started to calm down. She wanted to get married she was just exhausted.

 

"I've said it before and I'll say it again. You may want to consider to quit at Fort William, Randall is a terrible person who just is evil out of fun.”

 

"I can not just stop working Jamie ..."

 

"Yes, you can! You can stay here at Lallybroch until the babies comes. "

 

"We need the money! Almost all our savings is going to that damn house..”

 

"I'll make money in a another way if that’s what I takes! You are my first priority, you and the bairns”

 

They had this discussion several times in the last past week and she couldn’t have it anymore. She worked full time at school and Jamie was trying to write his book again after hiring people to build their house, but he still spent a lot of time over there anyway. Claire passed by the house sometimes to check out how it went, but most of the time to see Jamie. Everyone who worked at the construction company was very nice and they always wanted to show her how far they had come and asked her how she wanted it. 

 

She had become friend of the female carpenter Malva, she reminded her of Geillis and she had even invited Malva to attend their wedding. Claire wanted to set her up with John.

 

On Saturday morning feeling, Claire felt  refreshed she went down to the kitchen and as usual it was full of running children, Jenny was cooking and wee Ian tried to help as much as a 6 year old can.

 

"Good morning Claire, how are you?"

 

"Hey Jenny, it feels like I've finally has slept for once. Where is Jamie?”

 

"He is at your house, working as usual."

 

"Alone? There is nobody here today.”

 

"Malva came by an hour ago and said she had forgotten something so he drove her. He really wants the house to be ready so ye can move in ye know.” Jenny’s tone showed that she probably had heard them last night.

 

“I know..” Claire said and felt embarrassed how she had yelled at Jamie, she knew he only wanted the house to be ready and the pressure he was feeling lately with planning their wedding with Jenny. Claire hadn’t been involved at all.

 

“Are ye up to test your dress today? I've made it a bit bigger so it’s not as tight around ye stomach.”

 

"I am, i just want to thank you Jenny, I know you've done a lot with the wedding and I'm so grateful for all your help.” 

 

"It's no but my pleasure Claire, it's just been fun, Now we just wish that you can get married next week."

 

The dress had been perfect but when Claire stood looking into the mirror, she saw how extremely tired she was. She pulled her hand over her stomach and it was like she saw for the first time, how big she had become. Claire worked so much that she never had time to enjoy her pregnancy, Even when they had been on the ultrasound she still was surprised how big she was but when her mom told her that everything looked good and they were expecting two healthy little children, twins she understood why she was bigger the average. They had both agreed and chose not to find out the sex of the babies as a surprise, But she was sure they were boys.

 

Claire was really looking forward to getting married, to be Claire Fraser. But the last few weeks had been hard. She was always tired, angry and she took it out on Jamie. He tried to be understandable, but he also had his limits and so he spent more time at their house. She knew he was stressing out by the fact that there was two on the way. She felt stupid allowing Jamie to plan everything for the wedding by himself, but she had no energy left.

 

Claire sat down on the bed in her wedding dress and looked at her stomach, the babies little puffs looked through the fabric and she whispered "Mama can’t wait to meet you, let's go and apologize to your daddy.” Claire took of her wedding dress, hung it up and walked downstairs. “Jenny I’m leaving, going to Jamie.” She shouted as she was going out the front door. 

 

When she parked the car outside their house, she saw that they had finished with the porch and she smiled thinking of her wedding present to Jamie. She had written a letter to the head of (don’t know what it’s called) asking them if she could buy the bench outside the airport, the same bench Jamie had sat on, waiting for her.

 

She went inside the house and called for Jamie, they still hadn’t any put in any furniture so it just looked empty but she liked it anyway, it was theirs. “Hey Claire.” Jamie said as he walked into the living room, he looked nervous. “What are ye doing here?”

 

“I just wanted to apologize, for last night.” 

 

“Forgiven.” He said as he walked towards her.

 

“No, stop forgive me this easy Jamie.” She said and he started laughing.

 

“Claire.. you can scream and yell how much you want, I love ye all the same. You were tired last night and I went on and on.”

 

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” She said low and tried to hug him, her stomach was kind in the way and she started to laugh too when they hugged in awkward position.

 

“Where is Malva? 

 

“She went home...”

 

The house was almost ready on time and Jamie was proud of himself and grateful for all the help he received. He had been worried that they would encounter problems along the way, which meant that the house wouldn’t be done but now, just before the winter came he had succeeded. All that was needed now was to paint and decorate all rooms, He hadn’t told Claire that he had finished the twins room first so he could surprise her. That door was always locked so no one could see.

 

Malva had offered to help him out and they had mounted all the furniture early in the morning. Not even Jenny knew. He didn’t want her to accidentally to say anything to Claire.

 

Jamie hadn’t noticed anything at first, Malva was a nice girl, she was there first in the morning and she was the last one to go home. Malva worked hard and she was extremely good at her work, She had also became a  very good friend of Claire.

 

When Malva had offered to help him, he had only appreciated it, a woman’s touch could be useful he thought. But when they went and looked at cribs for the twin,  she had joked with them in the store that they were the once who were expecting twins, he laughed but still thought it was a strange thing to say.

 

Then it could be that she walked past him and touched his arm a bit too long, he tried to convince himself that he was crazy but he wasn’t stupid. Malva was always texting him late at night, about her plans and ideas for the twins rooms that he had to erase quickly so Claire would not detect anything. He didn’t think it was a real problem until he realized that she did not understand where the limits went and texted him all the time, asking if they should met up all the time, Malva never said something inappropriate but still.

 

He didn’t do anything, he ignored it but the worst part was that he didn’t tell Claire, he really didn’t want to destroy the surprise.

 

He loved Claire, nobody else. He looked forward to the birth of their children and he counted down the days until she became Claire Fraser. There was nobody else ...

 


	23. Chapter 23

**October**

 

Claire woke up alone, They had decided that Jamie would sleep in their house and she in their room in Lallybroch. Today was their wedding day.

 

The house was full of life and she could hear Jenny screaming orders downstairs. Their spring wedding had been transformed into a fall wedding.

 

Claire hadn’t been involved in planning their wedding at all because of her job, so when she stepped down the stairs and saw what magical work Jenny had done, she began to cry. The twins were as active and twisted around and kicked, it was as though they felt it was a special moment.

 

"Claire why are you crying?" Jenny asked troubledly when she found her in the stairs.

 

"I can not understand we finally doing this and you have done such a wonderful job. It feels like a fairy tale.” They hugged for a long time in the stairs, and then Jenny said she wanted to show her everything.

 

Their wedding cake was simple with white glaze and with raspberry and chocolate flavor. Jenny herself had baked a cake with their favorite flavors, chocolate for Claire, Raspberry for Jamie. It was three floors and the at the top it was decorated with a miniature pregnant woman and a redhead Scot standing close to each other.

 

Jenny had refurbished in the living room and they had made an altar and placed chairs for the guests to sit. The ceremony would be held indoors and simple. Their number of guests were few, only family and closest friends.

 

They had bought and arranged a big party tent outside with heat lamps so they could sit outside and eat dinner later and it was filled with candles and flowers as decorations. Claire couldn’t understand how Jenny had done it or how she had done everything before Claire had even woken up that morning, but she was sure that Jenny had to come from a generation of witches, for what she had done was pure magic.

 

Jamie and his best men had strict orders to stay away. Even Jenny's children were with them so they wasn’t being in the way.

 

Mina, who was Claire's maid of honor, had stayed overnight in one of the guest rooms. She had brought her entire bathroom with her to do Claire’s make up and hair. Her mother was going to come earlier to help, and when Julia stepped into her bedroom, she began to cry immediately.

 

"Mom stop crying ... I'm the one who's supposed to be over hormonal. You will make me cry again..." 

 

"I’m sorry Carebear ... it's not every day your only daughter gets married. You have not even got your dress on and you are glowing my darling. "

 

"That's thanks to your grandchildren.” Claire laughed and hugged her mother.

 

"You have to stop or all our mascara will be ruined!!" Said Mina who also started crying.

 

Mina put up Claires hair in a simple braid and the rest in a bun behind, A little light pink lipstick and a touch of eyeshadow and Claire looked at herself and for the first time in a long time, she didn’t look tired , she looked beautiful. 

 

Her nerves began to grow about going down the altar and see Jamie, but it felt like she had been waiting for years for this day. From the day they met, they had been destined for this day.

 

"Fuck Fuck Fuck !!!!!!” Claire screamed.

 

"What is Claire ???" her mom asked in panic.

 

"The dress is too small. Can’t close it !! " Claire pulled the zipper up as hard as she could, but her belly had grown more than they calculated, it was impossible.

 

"Can’t we fix it?" Mine tried.

 

"We don’t have time for that!!! Claire shouted back and she began to cry.

 

Mina ran out of the rooms and fetched Jenny and they tried in vain to sew the dress, but it was pointless. Clarie was allowed to go through her maternity clothes and she found a dress neither fitted for a wedding nor white but it fit.

 

With her white/grey striped dress Claire stared into the mirror. Caressing her stomach, she tried to see the positive in her situation that she actually caring twins and therefore she wasn’t able to wear her dress. She thought it might be because Jamie had seen her dress last week, so they had bad luck now. 

  
  


"You are beautiful Claire," her father said when he entered the room. “Are you ready?”

 

“Yes.”

  
  


Jamie was standing next to the priest, twisting his hands nervously as he waited for Claire. He had dreamt of this day since they where in the elevator on their way up the Eiffel Tower. He knew exactly how her dressed looked like but when Claire came down the stairs, he only saw her face, he didn’t even wondered why she was wearing something else. As she walked slowly towards him, his heartbeats started beating so fast, she looked so beautiful and when she smiled at him she was glowing. Henry kissed Claire on her cheek when they had walked down the alter and then he turned over Claires hand to Jamie’s.

 

Her hand felt different he thought, like he had been away from her to long that he had forgotten how it felt to hold her and he knew from that day on, they were bound to each other, forever.

 

“I have spent years, trying to find myself. I have traveled thousands of miles to find a purpose. Every decisions I have made, has always lead my on a path or direction that has led me too you. I choose you. And I'll choose you over and over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing you. Jamie you are my future, you are my destiny and I am going to be yours in this life and the next.” 

  
  


When Jamie listened to Claire's vows, he couldn’t hold his tears back. He himself had written his vows on a piece of paper, but when it was his turn to speak, he put the letter away, back to his pocket and then he spoke from his heart as he looked at her, She was always his inspiration.

 

"With this ring I give you my heart and I promise from this day forward you will not walk alone. May my heart be your shelter and my arms be your home. Claire, You are the poem I never knew how to write and this life is the story I have always wanted to tell.” Jamie said and took out his mother’s old ring and as he placed it on Claires finger he said.

 

“I choose you. And I'll choose you over and over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing you." 

 

When the priest said he could kiss her, he didn’t want to stop. The applause of the guests shone out and all he saw and heard was her. Whether she didn’t wear the dress he expected, he couldn’t imagine any one more beautiful. 

 

After the ceremony everyone went outside and the wedding party began. One by one the guests stood up and held their speeches for the bride and groom. Jamie became touched when his godfather stood up, without his own parents there, Murtagh was the closest to an parent.

 

”A great marriage doesn't happen because of the love you had in the beginning but how well you continue building love until the end.”

 

Jamie was also pleased with the location of Malva and John next to each other. They seemed to get along and they were laughing with each other. Jamie longed until till they had to say goodbye to everyone and go to their new house. He had during the day with Joe, John, Ian and Murtagh picked up some of his furniture from his old apartment so they could sleep in their own house for the first time together. The house was not done, but enough for them to start living there and he could finally show her the twins room.

 

After all the speeches, the music was turned on, they were presented for first time and it was their first dance as Mr and Mrs Fraser. Everything was perfection, Nothing could have made the day better and when they stood close, trying to dance with her stomach in the way and with their children kicking between them, they laughed and cried at the same time. Neither one of them was great dancers so they just stood still, swayed back and forth and they found a comfortable position with Jamie's big arms and Claire’s head against his chest, right by his heart. She could hear his heart speaking the sound of love as she closed her eyes.

 

The rest of the guests acompany them when the next song began, Claire danced as long as her feet allowed her but it only lasted three songs before she had to sit down and overlooked the dance floor instead. Jenny and Ia almost looked like teenagers when they danced around, laughed and kissing each other, their Weddings seem to remind everyone about love and the promises of forever.

 

John sat down beside her and he gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I thought we would be the ones who did this, but when I see you and Jamie, I realize that we were never meant for each other Claire. But I hope I'll find what you have someday. "

 

"That means so much coming from you John, you know I love you and words can not describe how grateful I am that you are here today." Her pregnancy hormones made her cry when she talked to John.

 

"By the way, thank you for trying to fix me up with Malva.” 

 

"Oh, what do you think?"

 

"Well, maybe a little young, but what was the disadvantage of my part is that she isn’t available..."

 

"What? I was absolutely sure she was single. "

 

"She told me when we danced that I seemed to be a nice guy but that she has someone special.."

  
  


When Claire's feet no longer managed to stand up and the dark was upon them, they drove away from the party, to their new house, they went home.

 

"Jamie, you can not carry me over the threshold haha .” Claire laughed as Jamie tried to lift her.

 

"I can and I will carry you, all of you.” Whether he was as tall and big as a medieval Viking, she was far too pregnant and after the second attempt, he gave up.

 

In just a week the house had changed drastically, all the tools and dirt were gone and she saw some familiar furniture from Jamie's old apartment that had been temporarily placed in the house. They hadn’t bought any new furniture yet but when she saw her old green armchair where their first sexual encounter was placed in the living room she couldn’t stop laughing and Jamie almost dragged her to the room at the far end he eagerly waited for her to open it. He took out the key he had in his jacket and when she entered the room she saw his nervous look of her approval.

 

"Do you like Claire?"

 

"Jamie.. have you done this? It’s incredible! I love it.” She took his hand and pressed it against her stomach to make him feel their movements as confirmation of his children was safe and waited. “The twins will love it too.” Jamie smiled down as he felt his children kicking against his hand.

 

"Shall we go to bed Mr. Fraser?"

 

"To bed or to sleep?" Claire giggled and she gave him her most innocent look she could while walking towards their new bedroom.

 

She was still naked after they consummated their marriage and Claire woke up in the middle of the night when she heard Jamie whispering. Claire pretended she was asleep when she heard him speaking to her belly, she didn’t want to disturb the intimate moment he had with their unborn children.

 

"Today I gave your mother a promise and I want to give you one too. I can’t promise I can fix all your problems, I can’t promise you never will be sad, I can’t promise you will never experience heartbreak. But I promise both of you that you will never have to face them alone. I will always be here. I can’t wait to meet you..."

 

She waited and listened, and when he whispered again, she realized that he wasn’t talking to the children but praying to God.

 

"Let me be enough."

 

That night she dreamt of an different shade of red. She dreamed about little children running in the fields behind Lallybroch.

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m really sorry for the bad grammar, but I don’t have the time to fix it.

December - 

  
When Christmas was around the corner, the house was done, everyone was going to celebrate Christmas at their house. Everyone in the Murray family, Beauchamp and Fraser were going to celebration Chri together.

  
Her mother and Jenny were cooking and They both said that she was so pregnant now that she needed rest and that she could sit and watch, but she knew that it was because of her bad cooking skills they didn’t want her to help.   
  
With just a few weeks left until the date of the Caesarean section, her mother, also her midwife had made her go on early on maternity leave.

 

Claire had begun to bleed a little at work just a week after the wedding and everyone had become hysterical and said she needed to stop pushing herself and that she needed rest.   
  
She didn’t argue with them, to get away from Randall, she was more than pleased to go. He didn’t care nor respect that she was pregnant in the first place. She even thought about calling Jamie's uncle and say that she wanted to transfer to his school when the twins was big enougt. But for now, she would enjoy the last few days before the twins arrived.

 

  
In the first week she had been so bored and had disturbed Jamie at least 435 times that day when he sat in his little office and wrote on his book. But he had just laughed at her boredom and they had spent the day washing and folding babies clothes.

  
She had been feeling surprisingly good throughout her pregnancy, besides her swollen feet that came from nowhere, she began to long for February 17th. 

 

The babies was due in March but when they measured her stomach, she was bigger than average, they discovered during the ultrasound that the twins were bigger than usual and they thought it was good to take them out a little earlier, The Fraser genres were strong. She was scared she were expecting giants.   
  
But no matter how much she looked forward to becoming a real family, there was an uncertainty about becoming mom. She had never had the dreams of getting married, having children and settle down. But with Jamie everything felt right.   
  
Jamie, who had lived around her sister's children, had the usual knowledge of children, but herself as a only child had no idea how babies worked. Her only experience was her students and they were big enough to take care of themselves and now she would have two children. Would she be enough? Would she be able to breastfeed them? What kind of diapers are good? What did she do when they screamed? She had millions of questions and her mother had insisted that one learns how her own children work and if she couldn’t breastfeed, it was okay, there are a lot of mothers who gave bottle instead she assured her.

  
Every night she dreamed of different children running around and playing in the backyard or about Jamie.    
  
She woke up every morning and was grateful that she wasn’t alone and that she had Jamie, he would be the world's greatest dad.   
  
  
Claire watched when her mother cooked, suddenly out of nowhere she got this extreme headaches and started to feel nauseous.   
  
"I need to lay down and rest a little. Come and wake me up when we're going to eat? "   
  
"You okey carebear?”   
  
“I'm just tired mum and my feet are killing me.”    
  
But Claire woke up with contractions, she was used to getting them when she was overworked but when they began to hurt she became worried.   
  
Claire didn’t want to tell the others yet, if it was a false alarm. She tried to lay on the other side and see if it felt better, but they started coming closer she became stressed. 

 

It wasn’t ime yet. She knew that if the children came today, they wouldn’t be premature but big enough. But still she wasn’t ready, she needed more time. She hadn’t read all the books and hadn’t even packed an overnight bag. 

 

They came with 7 minutes apart.   
  
When it was so bad she had to focus to breathe through them, she tried to get out of bed. But with her size it was always a challenge.   
  
She walked three steps to the door when she heard a clicking sound and then everything got wet.

  
"JAAAAMIE ??"   
  
Jamie came running, looking shocked saw he the water.   
  
"My water broke ... get my mum."   
  
After that, everybody starting to run around. Jamie helped her into the shower. Her dad sat silent and tried not be in the way, her mother rang her hospital and told them to prepare a room for her.   
  
"Claire, you bleeding!!!"

  
Claire looked down, she saw that the water had a light pink shade and than the water got completely red. 

 

She saw the panic in Jamie’s eyes when she started screaming, the pain got to much.

  
Then everything became black.   
  
  
~   
  
Jamie didn’t want to wait for the ambulance but Julia had insisted. They agreed that he would stay behind and pack a bag and that Julia would accompany Claire.    
  
Claire's father Henry would wait for him and then drive him to the hospital.   
  
His hands had shaken when he stood by their wardrobe and he was supposed to choose clothes for Claire. It ended with him standing paralyzed and watching Jenny running around and packing for him.   
  
Jamie was grateful that Henry drove as fast as he did, he had driven pass two red lights and when they saw the hospital, Julia was waiting outside the entrance waiting.

  
"Claire is on her way to surgery, my colleague said that she have lost a lot of blood and that they need to deliver the twins straight away"   
  
They had gone in to the waiting room, he wasn’t allowed to be in the operating room, but Julia promised to update him when she knew more.    
  
They gave him a lot of form to fill out, one of which was a paper that would be if the worst thing happened,  He had to write down who they should prioritize. Claire or the children.   
  
How could he choose?   
  
suddenly, he saw a lot of doctors running past him. Jamie got up and he followed them, a nurse had tried to stop him, but his gaze made her let him go.   
  
He went down the long hall and looked through the window on the door. Claire was laying on the operating table, still unconscious or perhaps sedated.

  
When he saw the surgeon lifting up the first baby, he saw that it was Claire's mother who stood ready  in scrubs and received the baby. From his point of view through the door made it hard to see where Julia did. He held his breath and waited for the second baby, when he heard the scream of another baby, he relaxed a little. But then he looked at Claire and began to cry.   
  
“Please god, don’t take her.”   
  
When he saw Julia coming to the door, he moved to the wall, she rolled out the babies in an incubator and after her came another woman who started pushing him away from the door and asked him to let the doctors save Claire.   
  
"Jamie, let them work. Come with me"   
Julia Said.

  
Reluctantly he left Claire and followed his mother in law and his newborn children.   
  
"Is she going to be okay?"   
  
"They said it she has preeclampsia, it's very common but...." Julia replied a bit annoyed.   
  
"Why didn't you notice this earlier ??" Jamie accused her.

  
"I don’t know, I have examined her every week, I've taken samples every time !!"   
  
"How could you have missed it?"   
  
When Julia looked at him, her eyes showed that she already blamed herself and he knew that her grandchildren was the only reason she wasn’t falling apart. She couldn’t elp Claire but she could take care of the twins.   
  
"Forgive me Julia .."   
  
"It's my job to see these things, but I watched her just a week ago she was fine, but with preeclampsia.... I can not understand that it has gone this fast and that she reacted this badly. "She started crying while driving her grandchildren to the pediatrics-floor.   
  
He realized that hadn’t even looked at his children as they approached the room.   
  
"Two healthy boys." Julia said when he looked at them.   
  
"She was right ..." he whispered and began to cry again when his son took his little hand around his finger.   
  
"Stay here Jamie, I’ll be right back!”   
  
When he sat alone with the twins he just looked at them.   
  
They looked identical except for the hair, one had red hair and the other boy was brown. A perfect mix of both of them.   
  
"Your mom loves you, she’s coming soon.” He whispered.   
  
  
Jamie and Julia had been sitting beside Claire after they rolled her in after surgery. The surgeon had promised she would be okay but could not explain why Claire had become as bad as she became. Everything suggested that it was preeclampsia but it was extremely unusual to react like this. But he had taken tests from her placenta and sent down to the lab to see if they found something that looked abnormal. 

 

But the fact that Claire had survived was the only thing that meant anything right now, he got to keep his wife and his two sons were doing fine even if they were where born into this world to soon and were premature. 

 

It was a real Christmas miracle.   
  
But because Claire still wasn’t awake after her surgery, he had been given a special made little bottle for premature babies to feed his sons. 

 

When the nurse picked up one of his sons and she started walking towards him, he didn’t know how he would manage to keep his son without hurting him. His big hands did not feel like they should hold such a small person. 

 

But the nurse seemed to see the panic in his eyes and she assured him that children are not as fragile as you can imagine, she told him to sit down to then she carefully put the child in his arms for the first time. He gave out a little scream and immediately began to look instinctively for something to suck on. His little lips got a good grip after a few attempts and almost seemed to fall asleep straight away, but Jamie was still a little nervous and looked over to his second son who got his own bottle from his grandmother Julia, who looked much more confident than himself.   
  
None of his sons had any names yet, they had talked about it several times during her pregnancy but he needed Claire to choose. So he he had nickname based on their hair colors in his head until Claire woke up.   
  
No one could really tell how long she would be asleep, but the doctor explained that she lost a lot of blood before and said that when she woke up she would be very weak and probably experience extremely amount of pain and were under no circumstances aloud the first few hours or maybe even the first day to carry one of the babies or even leave the bed when she woke up.    
  
Claire's mother had joked that her daughter would certainly try to leave the bed anyway. That Claire was too stubborn to listen to anyone. It warmed his heart to hear her talking about Claire in a living state and that she truly believed she would wake up soon.

  
People had called continuously to hear how everyone was doing but he was too busy with watching the twins or to worry about Claire so when the doctor had assured him more than once that Claire was doing well, he left the room for the first time and called Jenny.   
  
When he went back to the room, he met Julia sitting on a chair outside Claire's room. he looked inside and saw that everyone was safely asleep and he sat down next to his mother in law.   
  
"When Claire was around five years old, I was alone with her one evening after having worked a late shift at the hospital. Claire was a very imaginative and stubborn girl even as a child and often used to find different kinds of stories about why she could not sleep. It either was because she was thirsty or there was a monster in her wardrobe and that could go on for hours. So when she that night began to say she couldn’t sleep because her tummy hurt, I was tired and inattentive and I was sure it was another attempt to stay up ... But when I found her in her room ,shaking and almost on the verge of unconscious, we had to call for an ambulance to take her to the hospital. After that day I have always believed in her words and been extremely aware of her wellbeing. But how could I miss all the signs with her today? With my experience and education ... how could I, as a midwife and most of all, as her mother not see all the obvious symptoms she had today? "   
  
Jamie had been silent next to Julia and held her hands while she was talking. He had spent several hours blaming himself too, but seeing his mother-in-law so despaired, he realized it did not matter how educated you were or how much you loved someone, it was impossible to predict that this would happen.   
  
"It's not your fault, it's not somebody's fault. The doctor himself said that he couldn’t even understand how she became this bad Julia. We just have to thank God that everyone is alive .. "   
  
"Thank you Jamie ... I'll probably feel better when she wakes up. I just can’t stop crying...”   
  
"Where is Henry?”   
  
"He's sitting outside the hospital, he said he couldn’t be inside these walls until she woke up. He's still in shock, I think .. "   
  
He was just about to offer himself to go out and see how Henry was doing when he heard one of the babies started screaming in the room.   
  
Julia had put the incubator next to Claire's bed, when he entered, he saw Claire's head facing the children and her hand moved gently to try to touch it.   
  
He rushed to his wife and sat down on the floor between her and the twins. She looked tired and but when she still managed to give him a smile, he could finally breathe again.   
  
"Hi," she said very low ,while trying to raise her hand to her throat, she was trying to talk but after having a tube down her throat, he could understand that it felt uncomfortable to talk.   
  
"Shhh Claire, everything's okay." He said while driving the incubator a little closer to her. She looked down and saw her children for the first time.   
  
"You were right, two healthy perfect boys Claire." He looked at them back and forth to really absorb the moment, he wanted to remember every detail of their first meeting. 

 

Claire began to cry even more when he managed to drive the incubator close enough for her to reach out her hand and touch them. Her second hand raised her throat again and she tried to talk again.   
  
She put her hand on their red-haired son and whispered "William" and then she laid her hand on their brown-haired son and looked up at him again and smiled and whispered again.   
  
"James"   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left!❤️❤️


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very short chapter and the very last chapter. I wish you could see my face right now becuse I’m crying. Silly, but this story is so close to my heart and when I wrote this last piece I felt sad. Thank you for all the love you have given me throughout this story, from beginning to end. 

They never got the five kids they dreamed about, but William and James were enough. They raised their twins in the house Jamie had built for them and forty years later, they still lived there today.

 

But instead of feeling sorry for the children they never had Claire and Jamie were blessed with grandchildren, eight to be exact. Their pride and joy, they often came visiting and Claire sat with her grandchildren, out on the porch, sitting on the same bench Jamie had been sitting when he waited for her, telling them stories about things their fathers had done when they were small. Memories that was forever imprinted in her heart.

 

Each day was a blessing, they never took life for granted. A lifetime with Claire had been more than Jamie ever could had dreamt of, his biggest adventure was loving her. Their story will never be forgotten, Jamie wrote it down and he published it 2041; **_She chose me._ **

 

One cold night in October, Jamie passed away in his sleep, they had been talking about their life, how he never wanted to change their story. Claire felt when Jamie stopped breathing. She didn’t panic, nor scream, she just kissed him and said.

 

“I choose you. And I'll choose you over and over and over. Without a break, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing you. I love you.”

 

As she lay next to him, Claire closed her eyes. She dreamt of different shades of red and her heart stopped beating.

 

**The end.**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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